A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in need of some advice. I don't know what's going on with my life. I'm only 21 And Ive been with a older guy for the past 2 years and a half.. He has always had the control of the situation because I moved from my home town to all over with him. Every time we fight he will kick me out.. Every time I can't even count the amount of times I have been kicked out. I suffer from depression as well and he is very verbally abusive. He can be a great guy though. Supports me finacially .. But always throws it in my face. I've recently became pregnant .. And I've been feeling very lonely and frustrated . I kinda had a bad mood towards him being out at a bar and he has kicked me out. PREGNANT. I can't go on with this pregnancy as I am job less. I have no car and I'm pretty much homeless. Wouldn't be far for the little one . I can't even support myself. He then messages me today saying that it's my fault and that I put him in a bad mood every other day and that nobody's going to deal with how I express myself emotionally. I do everything for him .. We got a house last summer.. Well it's his house. But I clean, cook take care of the dogs everything and even bend over backwards for him when ever he has a bad day. I just feel so messed up. Lost and confused .. He always takes me back and ugh I'm so hurt what do I do I feel so worthless. I'm living at my friends right now and can't even give her money. I have 4 dollars to my name...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2015): You need to try and take some deep breaths and relax a little. You are panicking (understandably) but you need to think rationally. It's a given that you shouldn't stay with him. It is an abusive relationship and you will never be happy.
You say you have been kicked out by, then returned to this man a few times which is why your family are refusing to help you. They assume you will go back to him. I know I had a friend in the same situation. Always promising that she'd stay away but she didn't although in the end he found someone else.
You say you suffer from depression. Do you take medication for it that you can take while pregnant? If so then you must make sure you continue. If not then you must seek medical help.
You are dependent on this man both emotionally and physically. If you truly want a life of your own then you must take steps to remove him from your life. It's early days and your family will come round if they believe you really mean it.
I live in a different country to you but there must be some kind of welfare assistance for you. Ask your friend to help you. People will be more keen to support you if they really think you want to move on.
I wish you luck. You are 21 now and an adult with a child on the way. Whether you keep it or not is your decision but you must look after yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2015): If you can clean and take dogs walking, then that's where you need to start.
Offer these services locally and pay your friend some money for putting a roof over your head. Your very first task is to find a job, any job, to start paying your own way in life.
Go to the doctor and explain that you are very troubled about your forthcoming pregnancy and need help with housing and with counselling. You've made some seriously bad judgements in the past and you need a counsellor to help you to change that for the future.
In a sense you are right. The guy probably did give you all the stuff so that he could feel like he owned you. And it seems like you tried to contribute a fair share. But he is an abuser, so that kind of 'fair contribution' simply won't work with him.
Your family / Dad are probably not going to 'come round' immediately because they don't believe that you won't go back to this guy again. If he's thrown you out before, many times, and you keep going back, they are probably thinking that you are a lost cause. You have to prove to them that you are not going back and lesson is learned.
If you need a loan from your Dad offer to do something to pay him back - again, cleaning or help with whatever he may need, until you can stand on your own two feet.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo I asked for help with a car so I can start my own life. Go out and get a job and such. Not to go be with him. If I wanted that I could just walk down the road as he just lives a couple blocks away. I want a car to be independent . When I was with him I got into a car accident and haven't had my own car since. He had a work van and I drove the ram . Its almost like he gave me all this stuff just so he could enjoy taking it from me. He though I should bow down to him. Because he gave me everything . Made me feel like I wasn't capable to do anything on my own. And now I'm screwed .
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 April 2015):
 You called your dad to help you figure out a way to stay with this abuser by asking for a car.
I'm betting if you were willing to leave this guy and go NO CONTACT with him that your parents might be a bit more forgiving. But do not lie to them and say you won't contact him and then do it.
You really need to consider leaving this guy and going no contact.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy family doesn't talk to me because of this guy. So they are not a option I tried reaching out to my father yesterday to see if he could help me find a cheap car so I can get around and look for work. He wants nothing to do with me or helping . .
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 April 2015):
A man that abuses you (verbal abuse or mental abuse or emotional abuse is just as much abuse as hitting you) is NOT a great man.
Just because he supports you financially he is not a great man. Stop giving an immature abusive man a pass because he pays your way.
Where are your parents/family? have you contacted them and asked if you can come home. IF not why not?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): Older men very often start relationships with younger women because the younger woman is less 'worldly wise' and often naive in terms of equality within a relationship - very often these older men can be women haters and misogynistic and no woman of their own age would ever put up with what they say and how they treat them.The older guy simply cannot be bothered to treat a woman of his age with the respect and equality that any woman deserves. He looks to a younger woman as far easier - men like this cannot see real beauty in a woman but just gravitate towards younger women for shallow reasons and because their youth and naivety is very appealing both visually and psychologically. The guy that you are with is obviously extremely dominant and controlling and abusive. I bet if you looked into his past he's had failed relationships with women because of how he treated them and now he's found an easier time with you because he can victimise you and you keep taking it - one way or another you keep going back. And this is really what you should be focussing on - NOT that he keeps throwing you out but that YOU keep going back time after time.You are probably doing this because your self esteem has been ground down into the dirt by this man. And he then makes you feel amazing when he does show you a bit of kindness or affection. Can you see the logic in this though? That if a person is deprived of kindness and love they will react much more intensely when they do finally get some? And believe that the person really does love them because the feeling is so intense?Stable relationships don't have that same intensity, just a strong, dependable, lovely feeling of trust - a completely different kinds of 'intensity' that's nothing like the roller coaster ride this man is taking you on. You could find countless men, today or tonight, who would quite happily have sex with you and let you clean their whole house and then throw you out. If you don't believe me try it. My point is that he is ten to a penny - there are millions of men who are all too happy treating a woman like dirt and they will NEVER change. He doesn't care about the child you are carrying, that's very obvious. He is only interested in treating you like an unpaid slave, with no rights of your own. In fact he is behaving like he hates you and the child as soon as you stop obeying him completely. So if you think he will change after it's born you are deluding yourself, hoping that the bits of affection he sometimes gives to you will all kick in at once and his abusive side will stop forever. It won't. You are young and maybe your pregnancy is not so advanced - it it too late to terminate? You actually sound like, underneath, you don't want to bring a child into this situation. It would be extremely damaging. You have time on your side in terms of your youth. As it is, you are keeping house and providing sex for a horrible man who doesn't appreciate you one bit. Even a cleaner would be better treated, or a housekeeper.So if you think you have no chance of standing on your own two feet then think again. If he throws you out then you contact the police and you get help for your own safety.Women's refuges can help you to get back on track, but ultimately the decision HAS to be yours, to change how you let someone treat you - it will all begin from there and it won't be easy at first, but if you decide you can do it then you will. It really is YOUR choice, not his.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much!!
I really appreciate the advice
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (3 April 2015):
 honestly, this is not a secure, safe or loving relationship and you need to get out. Whatever you do, do not go back to this guy - you are stronger than you think and you have so much life to live, without this man in the picture. Whether you have this baby or not is not anyone elses decision to make, but regardless of whether you go ahead with the pregnancy or not, you should not go ahead with trying to reconcile this relationship. He is done and you are better off without. There are a lot of resources out there for you and it will just take a few calls to figure out your next move. Call local churches and the YMCA and even your local library and they will help to point you in the direction you need to go - you can pay your friend back in spades later for being there for you, now and you will be in a better situation sooner than you realize! I wish you all the luck in the world - please do not go back to this loser. He doesn't deserve you.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (3 April 2015):
honestly, this is not a secure, safe or loving relationship and you need to get out. Whatever you do, do not go back to this guy - you are stronger than you think and you have so much life to live, without this man in the picture. Whether you have this baby or not is not anyone elses decision to make, but regardless of whether you go ahead with the pregnancy or not, you should not go ahead with trying to reconcile this relationship. He is done and you are better off without. There are a lot of resources out there for you and it will just take a few calls to figure out your next move. Call local churches and the YMCA and even your local library and they will help to point you in the direction you need to go - you can pay your friend back in spades later for being there for you, now and you will be in a better situation sooner than you realize! I wish you all the luck in the world - please do not go back to this loser. He doesn't deserve you.
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