A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I went through a rough patch because i found out he was texting girls inappropriately. I decided to forgive him and he said he'd show me his phone and give me all his passwords in an effort to regain my trust.Now, at first, I declined but its now proving harder than I thought to get over it.I asked to see his phone and he said no.Then he said he'd just like me to take his word for it now and he wants to build trust.He said he has nothing to hide but he doesn't want us to be going through each others phones.I get him but now its made everything worse. He was adamant that i wasn't going through his phone and he'll show me in his own time but he had nothing to hide.Does he have something to hide?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 April 2015):
 Honestly? Going through his phone make you trust him more. He can EASILY delete things he doesn't want you to see.
What you NEED to ask yourself is... WHAT do you NEED from him in order to start trusting again. HE has to do the work, NOT you. Rebuilding trust is NOT just about YOU having to "just" trust him again. IT DOESN'T work that way.
Some people find that going through their partners phone can help, but MORE (from what I have seen here on DC) is that it starts to become an obsession FINDING SOMETHING.
And once you start checking and double-checking or snooping you will start to FEEL a little crazy. YOU CAN NOT make a GUY behave like a DECENT FAITHFUL fella BY going through his phone/e-mail.
Like Auntie Bim Bim asked... WHAT has he done to HELP rebuild the trust?
YOU have decided to forgive him. BUT that doesn't mean you will forget what he did. Forgiveness means you are willing to put HIS actions in the past. Giving him a second chance is YOUR choice, HE can now choose to BE faithful and HELP build trust or not.
I do think it's kind of LAME that he offered transparency and when you asked to see the phone he back peddled. Which to ME seems like NOW that YOU agreed to forgive, HE doesn't have to do ANYTHING to move past this, and THAT is pretty selfish of him.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 April 2015):
 If he said you could see his phone and have his passwords and now he's backtracking and saying no i would assume he has something to hide.
OTOH I don't have a need to go through my husband's phone at this point and i have nothing on my phone I don't want him to see. Neither of us lock our phones and if we did the other would have the password.
If you have to ask you don't trust him. If he won't show it he is either testing you, teasing you, or hiding something from you especially if he previously offered transparency after getting caught and some time has passed and he has had time to put more stuff on his phone.
Trust is like a china tea cup. It's all perfect and works great till you drop it once (lose trust) then you can glue the handle back on with super glue so that the tea cup (your relationship) works but it's NEVER as strong or as solid as it was before it was broken.. there is still a crack that is a tender point that can more easily break the next time the tea cup is dropped.
It can take a very long time for the glue to set on the broken handle and it may LOOK like it's perfectly ok from a distance but UP CLOSE it's still cracked and while you use your favorite tea cup, you are always a bit more gentle with it now because you don't want it to break again.
I once got to 9 months of my ex husband where i was just starting to relax and think that I could trust him again... and poof he blew it... note he is my ex husband.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (3 April 2015):
 Trust is something that takes time to gain, but can be lost in an instant.
Maybe he has something to hide, maybe he doesn't, his actions in the past caused you to lose trust in him.
What is he doing to help rebuild that trust?
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