A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of a year just broke up with me, and I don't know what to do or how to feel. As a reference, I'm 19 and he's 17, so while we may seem young, we're both very mature and understanding of the world around us. It was the first serious relationship for both of us, and we were really close friends for a while before he asked me out. We had an amazing relationship, and we really learned a lot from each other. I truly believed that we were going to grow old together, and we talked about the future and how we would raise our kids together all the time. We communicated everything that we felt, were completely open, and held the same view points on nearly everything.In the last month, we had two fights where he said he felt like he was doing most of the work, that I didn't appreciate him, which I didn't understand because I told him how much he meant to me on a regular basis, and that I wasn't empathetic enough. I told him that I would try to be more understanding of his problems, but empathy is something I've struggled with my whole life. About two weeks ago, he started becoming really distant, not responding to my texts for 8-10 hours and making excuses to not spend time with me. I have a habit of always assuming the worst, so I was scared that he was about to break up with me.About 4 days ago, I confronted him about him distancing himself, and he claimed that it was only because he's been busy with school and other projects, which was true. He claimed that he still enjoyed spending time with me, and he made me feel a lot better about my worries. I was back to feeling confident that everything was alright and that he wasn't going anywhere.The next night, we went out to dinner and he took me to a private place in the woods we like to go to talk sometimes. There, he told me that it seems like we don't get as much satisfaction from spending time together anymore, that he doesn't feel appreciated, and that we don't connect and understand each other as well as we did at the beginning of our relationship. Then he suggested that we break up, and I started bawling. I didn't agree with anything that he'd said. I thought we were doing fine, and a few fights didn't mean that we didn't understand each other as well. I told him that I still enjoyed spending time with him, and that I was sorry that I made him feel unappreciated. I told him that I could do better, but he was adamant that we should break up. He had been thinking about it for months and had decided the night before, after I confronted him about being distant.Two days after we broke up, we met again to discuss anything that we wanted to. I asked him again to reconsider, and I even wrote him a three page long letter telling him how much he meant to me. It didn't change anything. His reasoning had become somewhat more clear, and he admitted that he realized that he wanted someone who was more empathetic than I was, something that I've never been able to call myself. I said that I could be that for him, and he said that it wouldn't be right. I should be who I am, and we'll both find people who are more suited to who we are. All of the other minor problems stemmed from my lack of empathy, and while he enjoyed our relationship, he was convinced that we both deserved something better, something absolutely perfect.This boy changed my life. I've grown so much because of him, and he's grown because of me. We're the closest friends either of us has ever had, and I can't imagine not being with him anymore. I want so SO badly to have him back, but I know he's made up his mind. He says that he'd like to stay friends, and he even said that if our relationship was truly meant to be, it'd find a way. What do you think I should do? I really want to stay his close friend because I do value him as a person so much and I love his input on things. I have a secret wish though that if we stay friends then we'll be able to get back together soon when he realizes just how compatible we've always been, but I'm scared I'll only hurt myself with that kind of thinking.What should I do now? Stop thinking about him for a while or keep in touch, hoping that I'm right and he'll come back?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2014): Like you said, you are still both young and he's at an age where he might have exams, work, uni or apprenticeships to think about.
At this age (speaking from experience last year), you have so much on your mind that relationships become more of a stress and worry than an enjoyable experience.
The best thing right now might be to give him his space, there's a reason you both broke up and he needs to run that through his mind because he may have felt trapped or like things were moving too quickly for him at this age. Talking about raising children is a massive step and although he joined in the conversation, he may have panicked about that, I'm not saying that's the cause, it's just an example.
Although you say you're both mature, boys often appear more mature than they actually feel and so it could literally be that you're too emotionally and mentally mature for him at this stage.
Take a step back, evaluate your own actions and think back over some of the conversations you've had. Give him time and space, if he wants you back then he'll come back.
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