A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I've been struggling with some issues in my relationship. My girlfriend of a year has remained in contact with some exes. She has stated that its not a big deal they just message her on occasion and the conversations do not really go beyond "hello". It has always bothered me and I've probably brought up the issue far too many times for her to know and realize uncomfortable I am. I really do trust her; My issue is not her talking to them but rather not understanding why she chooses to keep that line of communication open when she is with me. Should this bother me the way it does? I know she is serious about me, she has told me she loves me and has even moved in with me. They are not aware of this. She is a very private person.Recently, I made the mistake of googling one of her more serious exes. Upon doing so I saw a picture of them as his profile picture and some suggestive posts that are reminiscent of her. I tried talking to her about it. She tells me its nothing and basically does not like talking about the subject (I'm sure I come off as insecure). Frankly, he contacts her more frequently than I would like. I have not met her family, or any of her friends. Her exes do not know that she is in a serious relationship (or lives with me) just that she dates. She is not one to publically share her business and I respect that; So for him to publically display their photo whereas I have not even met her mother, kind of makes me feel unimportant. Granted, she has done wonderful things for me, and lives with me - I feel when I try to talk to her she feels like I am accusing her of something else and being unappreciative of all she has done. How do either get over how I feel, or simply ask her to state to her exes that this kind of behavior is inappropriate and violates my relatoinship with her.I do not need validation of how I feel. I really need advice. I love this woman. I know I have some growing up to do. At what point has a relationship boundaries been crossed and the necessity for privacy to go by the wayside?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): If the exes are the ones contacting her, and it is just friendly and neutral and not of a flirty nature, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. What is MORE wrong is trying to control who your gf talks to. She is an autonomous person, like you are. She has a right to talk to whomever she wants. If you don't trust her enough to "let" her talk to whomever she wants or to exercise her judgment then you shouldn't be together.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2013): Well, remember that they are exes for a reason, they are no longer together and she is choosing to be with you now. I guess that her keeping in contact with them seems in contradiction to her choosing to be with you. But it isn't, in my opinion. As long as there are no lingering romantic feelings going either way, there's nothing wrong with staying casual friends or acquaintances with exes. her ex putting a picture of them as a profile picture. Now that would make me uncomfortable because it suggests to me that HE hasn't moved on from her. Therefore, that violates what I said above about when it's appropriate to be friends with exes. but then again, the picture belongs to him, so he has a right to put it up as his profile. I would try to view it as, "sucks to be him, she's with me now, tough luck for him!"When you talk with your girlfriend about this, what is the nature of the conversation? Are you asking her to cut off contact with them? If you've already talked about it a few times, and she continued to stay in contact with them, then surely bringing it up more isn't going to make her change her behavior? I'm just saying that there comes a point of diminishing returns where "communicating" more isn't going to help and instead can create negative effects like polarizing you more. "I can say that I love her unconditionally. I do not think she is quite there with me. We've known each other for quite some time, but it was really due to my persistence and desire that we began dating. I think she does find me attractive and enjoys some of my qualities, but I certainly would not go as far as saying she would consider me 'the one' or her 'true love'. I really just do not think she is to that point."I think this is the root of the problem. You have an unequal and unbalanced relationship - you love and need her more than she does you. Therefore, the way she is behaving feels perfectly natural and normal to her, just as the way you feel about it is perfectly natural and normal to you. If she felt more 'committed' or "into" you, I think her behavior would reflect it. She would want to protect the relationship as much as you want her to. But since she doesn't feel that deeply about this relationship, her behavior is authentic. she may in fact already feel that she is compromising more than she "should have to." So I think the real problem is not her keeping in contact with her exes, but the fact that your relationship is unbalanced, with you having a greater emotional investment in it than her. That is bound to create conflicts such as this, and more to come. But since you can't 'make' someone feel more invested than they do, you're just going to have to adapt to this undesirable situation for now and perhaps start to really examine what you want from a relationship and whether this is heading there or not and what to do if it isn't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2013): I am the OPs girlfriend. Thanks to all the responders. The guy that said I was immature. Frequently means once every couple of months? I do not keep any line of communication open, I did not have my exes on my Facebook and some are blocked. He saw that an ex contacted me on email, and he SAW that I never answered back.Out of our time together he has seen that I seldom get contacted, and once he even made me reply to an ex that had msged me to tell him stuff to make him feel bad.I've closed facebook, so I do not have any way to contact me. Maybe you are right and I am immature, but everyone knows I am with this man and all my exes know I am in a serious relationship. Once my bf even saw my say to thr ex he has the problem with "cant talk now Im gonna go to dinner with my bf!" Has a problem with my ex that seldom contacts me because we ended on good terms.About the profile picture, I had no idea as I had him blocked on Facebook, but I said to my bf I was going to speak to him to put it down. I haven't spoken to this person on over a month.and hr does not know my family because we live 8 hours away, and my family would not approve of me moving so abruptly with a man, and I can understand why now.Maybe I am "immature" but I have dinner for this man every night, I clean the house and do not even leave the house without him. I am extremely committed to this man, and I do not collect my exes.I am so sorry that I am inadvertently causing his insecurities to be worse. On my defense I do never initiate any contact and barely respond, and he has read my responses to them.When I am contacted I tell him immediately, so no I am not collecting anything or being immature. I try my best to get thus man to trust me, even though I've done nothing to be doubted.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2013): Honestly, when it comes down to it, people have no business being "friends" with an ex when they weren't friends before they dated. Even if it ended on good terms. Sure, you can be adults and be courteous to each other when you run into them, or contact them if there is an absolute need. But there is no reason to keep a frequent open line of communication with multiple exes. It's not fair to you. This sort of behavior speaks about what kind of person she is, and what to expect when your relationship runs its course. She is probably afraid of rejection, and has some sort of complex. Or is just plain immature. It isn't normal or healthy for either of you, the exes, or your relationship. Sure, everyone has an ex they still may converse with once in a blue moon, or even one that may actually be at "true" friend status after, but multiple? Regularly? It's definitely a huge sign of immaturity on a personal level for her, and it shows where exactly she holds your relationship because she still can't let go of the past (or multiple pasts). Especially, since it makes you uncomfortable, which it should, and you've expressed your feelings to her.I'm not saying people can't be adults and talk with a person they used to date. But there's a big difference between that and what she's doing. There is a line and its being crossed majorly. The guy who still messages her frequently, and still has their picture together as his profile pic? Big problem. He's obviously not over their relationship, and she is manipulating him, whether she knows it or not, by stringing him along and not cutting ties because it's obvious he isn't over it. What else is a huge red flag is her secretive nature about your relationship with these exes, and her family. She moved in, but you don't know her family? Sorry man, but shes not taking this relationship seriously. I dated a girl exactly like this. *Notice, "dated" as in past-tense* This is very immature behavior. Don't let your guard down on this one. And DO NOT let her do this to you if you break up.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2013): The boundaries are quite simple: - Has she told her exes she is dating? Has she told them she is with someone? Has she denied being in a relationship?You stated she did tell her exes she is dating. This means she is not denying the relationship, or hiding you. She just may be a private person, and could be the kind to tell people when things get very serious. This includes her family. If her family is traditional, she may be waiting until things are even more serious and stable to introduce you.I feel you are taking this as a personal matter about you,when meeting a significant other's family should be something you both desire. Have all her exes met her family? It sounds like you are jealous of exes that have met the family. I never took girlfriends to meet my family because of how my mom reacts to them, maybe she has a valid reason for this too.You want to be known how? Facebook? Myspace?twitter? You want her to wear a tag, a shirt with your name? How exactly would you like to be known? Have you expressed this to her? Does she flirt with other men at school, or work, or online? Does she ACT SINGLE in ANY way?If you know the conversations are harmless think this:if it is with all of her exes it might be an ego thing of her juggling them all at once, Does she CONSTANTLY TALK TO ALL OF HER EXES?. If it is just one, and as you say the conversations are innocent and she tells you when she is contacted by them, so obviously she is not trying to keep it a secret. You do not want to push the issue to the point where she does not trust you to tell you anything, or worse where she may see you as an insecure male. If you see anything out of order that is when you should act.Would you feel better if she hid this from you? If so, let her know.Remember she is a woman, and a person of her own. She has the choice to speak to whom she chooses, as long as she is not stepping boundaries. It seems more of a control issue on your side, because you want to be the only man in her life. Just because you are dating it does not mean all men will stop talking to her. I think her independence and confidence scare you,since they are a sharp contrast to the insecurity you feel against her exes. The issue lies more within you than in her.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 May 2013):
 Hi
I am very sorry that you feel I miss her identity. I guess for me it is the fact that she needs to keep you under wraps and does not publically acknowledge you as her boyfriend that bothers me.
I am sure she enjoys the obvious respect and care that you lavish on her. I think that is lovely that you love her unconditinally.
But sort of a challenge that she is "not quite there" with you yet.
Recogniton and acceptance and acknowledgement is indeed important to most and very important for many people, some more than others. Some people simply expect respect but don't care if they don't get recogntion or not, as they are self sufficient in themselves that they are on the right track.
To test how much a person needs recognition then just try taking away that recogntion for a week. Not in a mean deliberate way. But perhaps you have a demanding task to achieve, a place to go, or some time you choose to spend with some long term friends. Do those things for you but let her know in advance that you will be too busy with those other things and you'll catch up in a week.
You hinted that your persistence and desire eventually won her over.
Try not trying too hard to show your desire and persistence to win her overfor a week and se how much she tries to regain your attention.
Then watch her reaction. If she is nonchalant and not too bothered about your absence for a week. If she is not super excited to see you on your return. Coupled with the fact that you are her secret love.
It is not that I have anything against your loving girlfriend who has done so many kind things for you.
It is just that I don't like to see someone who is genuine hurt by someone who wants to keep that boyfriend a secret and who keeps in touch with several of her exes. Who enjoys collecting boyfriends, breaks up with them, but still keeps them on a string - leaving them all hoping for a reconcilliation. After all, to them, she is still single and available.
And since she is such and engaging charming nice girl and they think she is still single and available then why would they not try to win her back.
That's what I think is unfair on you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Abella - I agree with some of your points regarding previous relationships. I do not agree with her as having an ego or 'needing' attention. She has always been very self sufficient. In terms of true love; I can say that I love her unconditionally. I do not think she is quite there with me. We've known each other for quite some time, but it was really due to my persistence and desire that we began dating. I think she does find me attractive and enjoys some of my qualities, but I certainly would not go as far as saying she would consider me 'the one' or her 'true love'. I really just do not think she is to that point.
However, this does not mean that my relationship should not have, what I consider normal, boundaries. I think this is more of her own independence and consideration conflicting with our relationship. She makes many efforts in other areas, maybe she feels I am asking her to compromise too often. I do not know how to have her understand my plight. I do not want to seem controlling by issuing ultimatums. I always desire her to 'want' to do right by me.
Regarding attention, would you not say everyone enjoys attention? I think the issue is the source. I do not think she intentionally 'collects' the attention. She is a very attractive woman and will receive plenty wherever she may go. I doubt she needs this from her exes. However, I do not think she is naive. So what other reasoning can you offer me other than what you have suggested? Your evaluation of my girlfriend seems to miss her identity, but perhaps that is my poor bias translated here.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (23 May 2013):
thank you for your follow-up. I think you are too generous to call her more mature than you. She is certainly giving the appearance of confidence and assured.
But there is something about her actions that trouble me.
If a previous relationship is not 100 per cent satisfactory, then a break-up often occurs. If there was great love and passion then often one party is more aggrieved than the other. Or the relationship falters due to 'issues' sych that each party walks away. With little or no wish to reconcile.
But if the relationship was more of a friendship (but without great passion) where everyone was very civilized and friendly then they may be able to continue as just good friends because that's all they ever had.
Whereas where there was huge passion and adoration followed by some sort of
action that led to a sense of great hurt or betrayal then a breakup can be bitter and hurtful and just seeing the other party can still cause hurt months later.
For those who have never experienced such huge passion and
Such strong feelings then maybe they don't understand.
Or they can suggest that hurt one is 'too emotional'
But my thoughts on her continue to be that she likes attention. That her relationships are friendships, not grande passions. That she likes having a stable of ex-boyfriends who all keep hoping she will want to be friends again.
That she collects boyfriends who are friends, then she breaks up, but keeps them as friends.
Their attention to her is wasted.
She does not want to lose any of them. She enjoys their continuing validation that she she is attractive.
She does not want to lose the attention of any of who exes, who are her friends.
That is why you are a secret.
If you complain too much, or if someone else intrigues her, then you will become an ex too.
Then if she keeps her next relationship secret you will live in hope of a reconciliation.
So rather than being truly confident I think there is a need and an insecurity to be loved or feel she is loved.
She is looking for 'the one'.
A man she claims to love can be assured that she means it when she reaches a point where she finds a partner who becomes her major sole focus as her love interest and she publically declares her love for him, to the whole world. And to all her exes.
Right now she does nothing to discourage her exes.
She likes the attention and the validation that they bring to her life.
Because of her actions I am not sure if she truly understands what true love really is. She is still steadfastly loyal to her exes as her friends.
If she could translate that loyalty and empathy to her current love then perhaps there is hope. But to make it official I believe she then needs to tell the whole world about her new love, forsaking all others for him. And informing her exes that they need to move on as she has found true love.
While she does not want to forsake all her exes then I think no boyfriend, be they current or ex, has her sole attention and love. Because the attention is all about her own ego needs. She likes the attention. There is an insecurity there and what she wants is very very important to her. She likes to be reminded of all the guys who've tried to woo her in the past.
Maybe ask her to tell you what she thinks represents 'true love' in the mind of a person who thinks she is truly in love with her partner,
ain of a break-up is often so distressing that the
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Abella - no she is about a year younger but certainly much more mature than I am. I truly admire her personality and behavior. I just think sometimes we have some communication issues between our different personalities. I truly believe she is indifferent to them contacting her but wishes to not be rude. What concerns me is that she is a wonderful woman and it does not surprise me that these men have not moved on. I do not think her having communication with them helps any party involved. @anon - I have seen some messages while in her presence. And she tells me when they contact her usually. I really have no desire to read get private emails or her Facebook. The fact that I let my curiousity and insecurities get the better of me in a Google search was more than enough punishment. Like I said I trust her. I do not want to control her life. I just want to feel like a more important part of her life.That being said, we both moved to an area with little to no friends and far away from family for school. I currently work. She is studying. I don't know the frequency that the contract her. I'm sure it's infrequent. Does not bother me any less. I have spoken to her about my feelings and my Google search. I think she is frustrated that I do not see how kuch she has given up for me and think that these guys matter when they do not. Its like abella said.. I do not want to bea secret but I am not sure why she does not want me more known. I guess our relationship has not reached that point for her. I was just hoping for some advice concerning my own insecurities. I really do not question her love or sincerity to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Abella - no she is about a year younger but certainly much more mature than I am. I truly admire her personality and behavior. I just think sometimes we have some communication issues between our different personalities. I truly believe she is indifferent to them contacting her but wishes to not be rude. What concerns me is that she is a wonderful woman and it does not surprise me that these men have not moved on. I do not think her having communication with them helps any party involved.
@anon - I have seen some messages while in her presence. And she tells me when they contact her usually. I really have no desire to read get private emails or her Facebook. The fact that I let my curiousity and insecurities get the better of me in a Google search was more than enough punishment. Like I said I trust her. I do not want to control her life. I just want to feel like a more important part of her life.
That being said, we both moved to an area with little to no friends and far away from family for school. I currently work. She is studying. I don't know the frequency that the contract her. I'm sure it's infrequent. Does not bother me any less. I have spoken to her about my feelings and my Google search. I think she is frustrated that I do not see how kuch she has given up for me and think that these guys matter when they do not. Its like abella said.. I do not want to bea secret but I am not sure why she does not want me more known. I guess our relationship has not reached that point for her. I was just hoping for some advice concerning my own insecurities. I really do not question her love or sincerity to me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): I was also jealous of his exes and eventually pushed my now ex to give me the passwords to his emails,he was also private and had even deleted his Facebook.so I checked his email constantly even more than I checked my own, it became an obsession to me and I found out his exes didnt really contact him often.. and when one of them did he went on and on about our relationship and how good he had it with me.How do you know how often they contact her???have you check her cell or email??? if it is every day then I would be concerned but if it is once a month or something it could be they still love her...but they know she dates at least so that is not her fault. Unless she has denied you were dating?????maybe she just likes the attention, if you know their talks dont go beyond beyond hellos and everyone knows she is taken I would not worry too much. My biggest fights with my ex were because he changed his email passwords and I was upset that I coulnt snoop or that he had his cell locked and I didn't have the pin...I was also insecure and it is not attractive so maybe try to be more secure exercise or do something else go to school and think if their conversations are really serious or nothing to worry about.maybe ask why you have not met her friends..invite them over???? Has she met your friends??? If not then you are bein unfair to her too..I dont see a lot of harm in just hello if it goes beyond that and she doesnt stop it I would get upset as well
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (23 May 2013):
Is she older than you? By how many years? Because it sounds like she is very confident and that she feels able to juggle her exes.
What is more worrying is that she is not being transparent with those who matter to her and she has put you into a compartment in her life. Where you are available for her. Yet not that obvious that it will put off her previous lovers. I think her ego apprecites that she can still keep her exes on the side.
Why do you need to be the secret?
If she is 100% into you then her exes should not be intruding so obviously. In fact she should be disinterested in her exes if she is completely interested in you and she should be eager to share her happiness with others about the wonderful new man who is now 'the special one' in her life.
I think she enjoys the attention of multiple exes. In fact I think her ego needs this level of attention.
At least one of her exes is still sweet on her and has not yet got over their breakup and is yet to move on. She does not discourage this activity.
It is nice that she has done some wonderful things for you. It sounds that you are grateful for her support.
But is this an equitable relationship that is fair to you? I think she is dismissing your concerns as she has no intention of making any changes to the status quo.
Next time she has a work function to attend, where partners are welcome, then see how she will feel about you accompanying her to the function. If she comes up with an excuse about why you can't go, or worse if she does not introduce to her work colleages as her "boyfriend" then I would question if this is an equitable relationship that is fair to you.
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