A
female
age
41-50,
*eelingCrushed
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, we live together and he splits custody of his kids(13 and 14) with his ex-wife. History: she left him for another(the gardner) and he wouldn't take her back when she realized her mistake. I've gone along to the kids events and out for dinners with all of them - (like for my boyfriend's birthday which was weird). The kids and i have a great relationship. Recently things have become harder with the ex, she gets upset when we do things with the kids she wants to do (we canceled our plan to drive the daughter to alaska for a road trip) and the kids say she gets upset when they slip and mention me. Anyways my big problem is he is in alaska right now with her and the kids for two weeks (the ex and kids will be there all summer). He'll be going back up there again in august. They used to live up there and the homestead(off-grid) is in her family trust, she says she needs his help maintaining it or she'll have to sell it and he wants the place to be there for the kids. Last summer he went up twice for 10 days and i had a hard time so i've tried proposing ways it could work. Like we could get a cabin or camp by the property and he could spend the days there and nights with me or he could just stay somewhere else. Or he could go up first and she could come up later so they're not staying on the property together then she could leave early and he could close the place down for the winter. He said that wouldn't work after he asked her about it. So now he's there and i'm feeling distant towards him. I need for something to change. I resent him for not listening to me and feel it overshadowing my desire to be with him. I don't think he's physically cheating on my but i feel he isn't healed emotionally to stand up for himself or us. She is the only thing we have conflicts about and i'm questioning if all of this is worth it, plus i want to have my own family, sometime soon, and i feel stuck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): Vow, reading this made me think; yeah, often there is lots of conflict and hurt after a divorce; I understand his feelings for the children; I can also ee how the ex is manipulating his feelings for the kids, to suit herself and is probably trying to create conflict between the two of you on purpose;
From what I read, I don't know if this guy will be ready to commit and have a family with you soon; I do think you have to decide about your relationship; you need to talk to him about the future of the relationship; it might be that your needs are totally different to his, and that you are not seeing the future the same way;
It does sound as if this guy still needs time to heal;
are you prepared to hang around and wait? How long will it take? Nobody knows, and meanwhile you have to tolerate the ex; not easy; the ex won't stop as long as he allow's her to pull the strings; you will not be able to do something about that, other then live with the frustration; he might stop it when he is healed; but I do know of situations where it never changed;
You will really have to use this time to think about your future; I wish there was a easy solution, but unfortunately his children will always be important and the ex knows how to take advantage.
Nobody can tell you what to do; you have to decide on what is best for you;
I know this will be difficult, but good luck.
Best wishes,
A
female
reader, feelingCrushed +, writes (8 July 2008):
feelingCrushed is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for responding - sorry if this is long again.
He feels very guilty for the kids having a broken home. He cries sometimes when they're not here and never feels like he's doing enough for them.
The ex did not say she would stop contact, she just said she'd have to sell the homestead, which is where he believes the oldest will live one day. He does bend over backwards for whatever she says to keep the peace though.
We have talked and talked and now we fight, i don't think he wants to let go. So i feel i have to either swallow it (which is going to cause resentment) or make a drastic stand(which would be either leaving or going to counseling). I can't get him to understand there are other solutions, he just says nothing else is right, this is what is best for the kids.
I just want to make sure i'm not out of line for feeling this or maybe i'm just not cut out to be someone that has to deal with an ex.
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A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (8 July 2008):
 Is he feeling guilty in some way for the split?? Maybe he is keeping the peace for the kids sake as she has threatened to stop contact if he doesnt toe the line.
You really need to talk to him about this and find out where he is coming from as you are right this is not the way things should be. Yes the kids are important but he has to be able to live his own life too x
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