A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of five years will be moving in to my home soon. I am excited but also a little anxious. He would prefer i sell my home, or rent it out and get a place together. I have a mortgage which i manage on my own and can't afford to rent it out and rent elsewhere (this is also my first home so theres a bit more sentimental value than just any house). I also have two large dogs which would make it quite impossible to rent! He seems fine with paying the high rent cost of someone else's house (half would be a min of $180 a week each plus all bills etc) but we've had some discussions about money etc but differ greatly. He would prefer to just pay half the bills (gas, water, electricity). While i don't want to make any money out of him or anything, i feel he should pay something (similar to board/rent) so he isn't living here for hardly anything. Im curious to know how others have done it. A few suggestions have been to have him pay $50 a week plus half the bills or pay $100 a week including bills. We would split the food but even that has caused complications. I buy and make my lunch and he buys it from cafes. I also have to buy dog food. Then theres our own personal things we need. I can see him now bulking at the idea of having to contribute to tampons!I don't expect him to pay for it, but how do we do it? making 3 trips to the grocery store seems silly. THanksfor any advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): I also don't understand how is it ok to pay a stranger and not to you. What difference does make to him? If he is ready to pay for himself to live out of his parents house, why he can't pay you, why does it make it ok to pay a landlord but not you? Is it a matter of principal to him? In my eyes it's just nonsense . Also how he argued with you about food and dogs not a good sign.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 May 2014):
 YOu say "boyfriend's name here, we have to talk about money. I realize it's not romantic and it's not fun but to just move in together willy-nilly would not be wise."
then you figure out what your utilities are (assume that they will go up a bit when he moves in) and say "HALF of the utilities are this right now. In six months we will have to re-evaluate and if they go up, then you will have to incur half that charge too"
Then you tell him "if you lived as a roommate in a home with others you would have to pay your fair share of the rent. Here is the same thing... the mortgage is $xxxx.xx and since you are the only other adult here you need to pay half of that which is $xxx.xx"
"I will handle MY dogs." (if he wants them to be his dogs too then you say "dog expenses are this : Food is xx.xx monthly, vet visits are xxx.xx per year... you will pay half of all food and vet bills if they are your dogs too"
as for groceries... maybe till you figure it out every man for himself. I will tell you my grocery bill doubled when my husband and i moved in together... I eat fruits and veggies and try to be healthy. He eats crap and wont' touch fruits or veggies and WE FIGHT Over this.. he wants me to NOT buy fruits and veggies and thinks them a waste. I'm just waiting for him to die of an impacted colon.
Who will be doing the cooking and cleaning? how is laundry being handled? all of these things need to be worked out.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 May 2014):
 I have a suggestion then, that your boyfriend might agree to (because its all about you and him agreeing, and not what we think). Whatever place he'd like to rent, you can take half of that rent as rent to you. Because that would be the amount he would be willing to pay if you rented a place. Because he isnt unwilling to pay rent... Hes not a freeloader. He would pay if you rented a place together, so Id start with that and see where negotiations lead.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): I absolutely agree with the posters who say he should contribute something towards living in your home. I am due to give up my rented flat and move in with my boyfriend (who owns his home) in the next few months, and I have offered to pay half of everything - mortgage, bills, the lot. And why wouldn't I? I'll be paying half of the rent I am now because we are splitting it between us, so it benefits me, and I'm getting to live with the person I love. Maybe it's just me, but I would much rather give that money to my boyfriend than a stranger anyway. I'm not expecting anything back from him if things don't work out, just like I wouldn't expect anything back from a landlord either. I'm seriously struggling to understand why some posters think it's better to pay rent to a stranger than your significant other? In both scenarios, I will have no claim on the house, but by living with my boyfriend I'm saving half what I'm paying now. So why is that bad? He bought his house, and until such a time as we get married, it quite rightly should stay his. Just because he has done well enough to buy a house doesn't mean that I should either live rent free or have a claim on his house. That's not fair or right in my opinion.OP, if he thinks you should pay everything then I'd question this whole relationship if I were you. He should not expect you to pay the majority of everything, and this attitude makes me think that you'll have a lot more issues in the future because he sounds very cheap and money orientated. I'd maybe think twice about letting him move in until he proves that he's willing to contribute his fair share.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (11 May 2014):
 OP, I read your first post and then the follow up. I really don't think you two are ready to live together. He's used to living rent free and probably having his bum wiped still, and won't even discuss rules with you. Red flags.
I agree with what ChiGirl says, but what one of the anons brings up in terms of interest rates is totally valid. A large bulk of my mortgage bill is interest rates, and unless you are on a mortgage where you're only paying off interest rates, then why shouldn't he take a hit financially? Make it clear to him that he's not paying off capital for your property, he's paying his share of the interest on your investment. Every penny you pay of your mortgage is not going into your pocket unless you have 0% interferet.
The 'fair' way of doing this is keeping your flat but renting it out and then renting somewhere with this guy (as he suggests). You could find somewhere that would let you have dogs, but it's clear that you don't want to move and I totally unstand why. Rental prices are too high; your home is your home.
The alternative, and better solution financially, is to rent out your place and buy somewhere WITH your boyfriend. This is what my sister in law did (after she married my brother). She still has her own flat and rents it out. But I don't think you two are ready for that at all (especially him, since he has no experience of independence or financial responsibility).
If he baulks at the idea of sharing food and pet bills, he's not ready. Don't do anything without having something in writing, drawn up by a solicitor. If he disagrees to that, he's without doubt not ready. If he tells you to 'chill out' or whatever - to avoid argument - another red flag.
Sorry to sound so negative. I was on the fence (but largely in support of ChiGirl's advise) until I read your follow up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2014): On an additional note - I think that "essentials" should be split equally e.g rent/mortgage, fuel bills, council tax, TV licence, house-insurance,water rates etc.
Grocery shopping should also be split 50/50 as well as "household goods" such as toilet paper and washing up liquid.
Personal luxuries should be funded out of the individuals pocket. I would say that eating out in cafes is a luxury (not an essential) if a packed meal is an option. Likewise, owning a pet is a luxury and one that YOU decided to have - even if he reaps the benefits too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2014): Hi, I wrote the original post. Thank you for the replies.
I certainly don't expect him to pay off the mortgage, but if he pays 'rent' it isn't likely to go off the mortgage.
I didn't mention everything in the first post. He currently lives at home and pays nothing weekly and doesn't contribute to the bills. I worked out what all my bills are, and even with a bit of increase, he would roughly be paying less than $25 a week to live. I know its my house and im the one who chose the mortgage but i have to pay for all of this for the roof over my head and he pays for nothing?
And the food issue - you wouldn't think so but he already bulked at the idea.'im paying for half of your lunches' when i said i buy/make my lunches. Despite the fact he would eat twice as much as i do at dinner. My food bill is considerably small, i will be paying double what i am now. Thats were his money would probably go!
And the dogs - yes they are mine but he thinks they are his to and constantly tells me this but doesn't want to pay for anything for them.
I wanted to get things out in the open of what is expected and whats not. He doesn't want to have 'rules' and if we argue we argue.
A couple we know, before they married he had the mortgage and she moved in. He paid for the mortgage/house hold bill related things. She paid for all the food and they split the bills. I can't even get him to do this!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2014): Maybe the situation is different in Norway, but in the UK if he is on the mortgage and paying towards it then he has equity in the house. that means that in the future if you guys split up, then he is entitled to a proportion of the property. It may mean that you have to take out a loan to pay him back, or sell the property.
I wouldn't put him on the mortgage unless you are happy with this risk. As for the idea that he's being charged and getting nothing in return, surely he's getting a roof over his head? If you rent a property, you don't end up with equity in that property. It still belongs to the owner, even if you rented it for 20 years.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2014): How is it equal, Chigirl, that OP is paying for her shelter and he doesn't ?
She is paying, and he doesn't, it's as simple as that. Yes, after she pays it off the house it's hers, but for right now she is paying huge interest rate, and I can see it clearly with that particular boyfriend all repairs will be hers also.
" Because he is paying rent, he is paying down on the mortgage". Why is he paying down on the mortgage? Said who? to be a tenant you DO NOT NEED LEASE. You can pay month by month, it also can be verbal agreement. A tenant doesn't need separate refrigerator, it can be a roomate situation where 5 roommates are using the same appliances.
You comparing this situation with using a car that one person is making payments on. Actually, my son when he moved it with his girlfriend and when they realized they can getaway with one car, started using her car which was paid for, but he still paid half of the insurance.
The bottom line there is no such thing as free shelter unless you live in a paid for house. Still there is property tax and insurance. He is not her son, and not her parent that he can get away with not paying.
As you said, things need to be equal. And to be equal, he needs to pay for his shelter. I am not saying he needs to pay half, but something.
Because they are not married, and no one knows where it leads, my strong advice will be to treat your boyfriend as a tenant. What if in a year you split, and he ll be just happy to live rent free for all this time.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (11 May 2014):
And people, please, you all need to know that there is a big difference between renting out a room to a tenant, and deciding to share a bed with your boyfriend... Where there is a landlord and a tenant the roles are very different. In a relationship there needs to be equality.
This is why it has been recommended that people MARRY before moving in together. Then this wouldn't be an issue. But in effect, you are going to live as a married couple, sharing the same bed, eating the same food etc.
If you want to keep him as a tenant you need to provide all the things a tenant cam demand. His own fridge, his own room, his own bed etc. You'd be responsible for any fixings on the house, reparations that need to be done, light bulbs that need to be switched, all the things that you would be legally held to. Such as drawing up a lease, and you wouldn't be allowed to just kick him out either, even if you broke up. Imagine how much fun that would be.
You need to decide, do you want to live with your boyfriend, or do you want a tenant?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (11 May 2014):
"Do not put his name on the mortgage. Not sure why Chigirl suggested this as you would be giving away half your equity."
Because if he pays rent, then he is paying down on the mortgage as she owns the house. That means he is entitled to his fair share of the house, as he's been paying for it. Doesn't mean he gets half, automatically. He would get whatever he's paid for, and if he moves out she'd have to pay him out of the mortgage, that's all.
It is only fair to pay rent when BOTH parties pay rent. In this case, the poster isn't paying rent, she's paying her own loan for her own property.
Picture this, what if we're talking about a car here? Everyone can easily imagine the scenario. So you move in with someone, and you share the car. The car belongs to one party, not to both. The person who doesn't own the car will be pitching in for the gas etc, because they will borrow it from time to time. But should they also pay the loan of the car, the same way as the person who owns the car does? Just because they also use the car? And that car will not be in their name?
Please tell me, would you pay down the loan of a car that isn't yours? The same principle is applied to the house. If he doesn't get to own it, he doesn't have to pay for it. He pays for the daily use of it (as in the gas for the car, in the previous example), but he doesn't pay for something that isn't his.
The person who owns the house is NOT paying rent. The person who owns the house is just paying to themselves, through the mortgage. It is not rent, it's just money into their own pocket. When living together things should be equal, and when one party doesn't pay rent the other shouldn't either.
Imagine they both owned houses, and he had his own mortgage, as well as she has her own mortgage. They want to live together, so he moves into her place while still paying mortgage on his own home. Is it fair then that she asks for rent? So what if he sells his home, because why would he leave his old house empty? Effectively, she would earn the profit of that sale, because he would pay rent to her.. while she still doesn't pay anything besides to herself. Still fair?
And what if he rents out his old house? Say the people who rent in pay just enough to pay down his mortgage... and he needs to pay down rent with her as well? Then his payment is still bigger than hers, because he pays rent.. while she again doesn't.
It's the same as him asking you to sell your home and start paying him rent for a property he owns. You wouldn't do that, would you? Because financially it's like shooting yourself in the foot.
It isn't fair. And I don't recommend anyone agreeing to such an arrangement, because it is simply a way to suck you dry financially to the benefit of the house-owner.
Now, since the OP wasn't aware, and was just asking to get informed, I don't think you're trying to take advantage of him financially and leave him in a poorer financial situation than you'd leave yourself. But you need to see that it isn't right for him to pay rent when you don't. Things need to be fair and equal. If you're in need of cash, rent out to a tenant instead.
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A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (11 May 2014):
Come to think of it, go and have a chat with Citizen's Advice. Just to make sure.
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A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (11 May 2014):
I should have said. Keep your separate bank accounts but have a joint one for the part of his rent that you save.
As an aside, you could quite reasonably ask for rent, I agree with that. The important thing to do is make sure that he doesn't try to take advantage and hopefully he will not. The plus side for you is that living in your flat should not cost too much more and the financial side will ease for you by during the burden.
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A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (11 May 2014):
Do not put his name on the mortgage. Not sure why Chigirl suggested this as you would be giving away half your equity. Work out what half of the utilities costs and a rough shopping bill. Half that for him. Buy your dog food and personal items such as clothes and make-up separately. Just put them at the end of your shopping at the till with a plastic separator. Ask him to put a little aside each month instead of paying rent (£200?), into a joint account. This may be used for anything that you decide together. A holiday, moving costs, meals out, new fridge. In the event that you split it would be shared, but looking at things positively, it would be useful. It doesn't sound quite fair that he lives rent free, but neither do you want him tangled into your current montage. Hopefully the situation is temporary. If you do buy, see if you can rent out your current home, keeping it in you name and start from new together. Otherwise have a deed of trust drawn to protect your equity for you. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2014): Totally disagree with chigirl. It's HIM not you getting a free ride here. What? Putting his name on a mortgage if he pays rent. Noway!!! If I were you I would get a legal advice. He is renting from you, the same as he would be renting from anyone else's. If he rented from a total stranger , he would need to be on a mortgage also? That's just insane.
There is such thing as verbal agreement, sometimes leases are not even written, lease or no lease, he lives at your property, sleeps in your bed or a spare bedroom, it doesn't matter, he pays for a roof over him.
Don't let him to get a free ride of you. Consult a lawyer if you want, but this is my opinion. Or let him stay where he is now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2014): Coul you clarify. So you paying for your house now 360$ a week, which makes it 1440$ a month, correct?Of course your boyfriend PREFERS to pay only for bills. And half of it. Lol. What is it, 200$ a month or even that? I think he needs to grow balls, your boyfriend, and not to live of his girlfriend. And this exactly what he wants to do. It doesn't matter that the house is yours and he does not own it. He still needs to pay for his living space. If you had a mansion that you were paying for 10k a month that it would be unreasonable for him to split the cost, but to pay 700$ a month is not that much at all, considering that he still paid if not more where he is at now. I think what you were going to offer him is very generous. I am surprised though that you know the guy for 5 years and you still guys counting pennies. Tampons??? How much can you possibly spend on tampons. Ussualy women go through max.5$ a month for tampons. Are you kidding me?!! He is going to calculate that also?Lunches, how much can possibly can home made lunch cost? Couple dollars? He is a man, he probably eats more at dinner. Overall, the situation with penny pinching is never good, especially with your boyfriend of 5 years. To split equally everything to the penny is difficult and exhausting. If you guys are going to calculate each others tampons, shaving creams, and so on it will be a lot of strain. With that said this is what I would do. I would give your boyfriend a little break from rent what he is paying now, but not by much, unless he is moving in with you because he had difficulties paying his existing rent. All bills should be split in half. As far as groceries go, why don't you substract your dog food, though its his dogs now too, and the rest both of you should chip in equally. And really never mind lunches, it's just a tiny expence. People in a relationship for 5 years Ina perfect world should be more loyal to each other an trusting as far as finances go. Also,please don't buy anything with him as big as property unless you are married!!
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (11 May 2014):
Here's how you need to do it. And this isn't what I just make up, but what is common practice, and more so: it's what any lawyer would tell you to do.
You own the house, so he does not pay rent. You would pay everything whether he lives there or not, and the mortgage is in YOUR name. That means, once you pay it down, it will be your money, your house, your fortune.
If you were merely renting a place he would have to pay half the rent. But you don't rent, you own. So whatever you pay down on the mortgage is in YOUR benefit. Why should he pay down YOUR mortgage for YOUR house? You're not married.
If you want him to pay you rent, then his name needs to go on the mortgage as well. If not, and he's only renting a room at your house, he needs his own room, his own this and that, a lease etc.
So no, when you own a home, he doesn't pay rent, unless you put his name on the mortgage too.
The utilities you split in half.
Groceries are bought together. Set up a budget on how much you want to spend, then each throw in half for the food-budget. Then you buy dinners and soaps etc for the week so that everything is in stock. Tampons can go into this budget too, as well as his shaving foam, condoms, and other things you use on a daily (or monthly) basis.
Or, you can just have the same grocery-budget, and buy items for the bathroom and bed separately.
Extra luxuries are paid separately. Say you want to go to the movies, or buy a perfume, and he wants an x-box. That goes on your private budgets, not on the household budget.
Now, in the end, if he wants to be generous and throw in something you help you pay down your mortgage, then he's free to do so, but it should not be demanded of him.
And as for your dogs.. they are your dogs, your luxury, you decided to get the dogs. So you pay for them on your own private budget, unless he offers to pitch in.
A boyfriend moving in does not mean you get a free ride. You still need to pay your bills. But you also need to remember that things WILL be easier, both financially and otherwise, when you share living facilities. For one, he can walk the dogs from time to time. He will chip in on food and electricity bills, so those will be cheaper for you. It is cheaper to buy and make food for two people than for one. And he will do half the chores around the house, which leaves more free time for you.
You will also have the pleasure of seeing him often, spending time together etc.
And, if you and him break up, the house is still yours... So you wont have lost anything financially speaking. Which is why you can't demand rent from him.
And write a contract. This is very important when you live together without being married. Write up how the bills will be split, who owns what, who's responsible for what etc. This is to make it easier if you break up and part ways.
There is also a trick to buying things together, such as furniture, a car etc. There needs to be a contract, or a clear division of who owns what. If you buy things together thats fine, but in case of a break-up, or in case you sell the item in question, it needs to be clear how you will sort it out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2014): If he's happy paying rent somewhere else, I don't see it would be a problem for him to pay you rent. I would make sure that you get an agreement drawn up (sounds a bit over the top, but will save you problems later!) and make it clear that he is not paying your mortgage.
I'd treat him exactly like a tenant, charge him rent, expect him to contribute 50% to the household bills. After all if you moved in somewhere else, that's what he'd have to do. As far as the groceries are concerned, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Unless your grocery bill runs into treble figures each week, I'd just take his share out of his rent.
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