A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My bf cares about me deeply, but he is extremely absent minded and has a very difficult time expressing himself emotionally. Arguments are awkward and drawn out, because he freezes up and frequently asks what I want him to do or say, because he does not know how to proceed.I am at loss on what to do. How can I get him to understand in his terms? I try hard to bring up my issues in a very logical, un-emotional way so he can understand better, but even that leaves him confused. Or maybe I am doing it wrong.The only thing that offers some kind of solution is that when he writes me short emails when he is upset, he very easily says exactly what I needed to hear. Even though they are short, he sounds like a completely different person who is able to express his view of things?Since he is currently at school, the computer is our only means of conversation. Suggestions? I really want to make this work. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2011): just stick with emailing then. why not?
during arguments he freezes up and always asks what you want him to do or say? sounds to me like his problem is he's afraid of conflict. He's afraid of "saying the wrong thing." Why? because saying the "wrong thing" has consequences. you need to make it "safe" for him to say whatever he wants, however he wants, which includes as little as he wants.
if he just plain does not want to communicate, don't pester him to. It's true that relationships with a severe lack of communication will be in trouble, but pestering someone to communicate when they don't want to, will also drive a wedge between you.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 November 2011):
 I prefer arguements in writing (my ADHD makes it hard for me to be verbal and keep track of what's going on)
It makes my BF nuts because he has a mind like a steel trap and forgets NOTHING... we are working with a therapist to figure out how to communicate so we can survive...
if you are ok with writing... then do it that way....
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (18 November 2011):
 I was going to suggest he write things down and since that seems to be working I say keep doing it.
Some people can think and respond quickly, on their feet, while others need time to sort and process their thoughts. Trying to change him implies there is something wrong with him and there isn't.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2011): look, that's natural. i mean some guys are just shy from women and this thing happens a lot. you just have to do one thing which is to sit alone with him and have a private talk between you and him and to always be there for him when he needs you. that's all what u have to do and good luck!
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