Boyfriend is best friends with ex...wife?

A female age 30-35, *lmo120790 writes:

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for about a month now. I am 20 and he is 27. We have a lot in common and have become extremely close rapidly, we knew each other for 11 months before dating. From the beginning, my boyfriend had been honest with me about his past relationship. He was married to a girl he has known for 18 years, they were best friends before was in an 8 year relationship with her, and married her for 4. They divorced 3 years ago. She is 26. She filed for divorce from him because he was immature, drinking a lot, and spending a lot of money after he lost his job. They were both irresponsible with money and ran up a $15,000 tab on a joint credit card which they still owe about $6,000 for. Upon divorce, the bill was split. As far as I knew, his relationship with her consisted of him paying her once per month for the remainder of the balance (obviously he would attain receipts, etc.) After they broke up, he was hurt by the situation and she moved on and dated someone else. He didn't really complain, as far as I know, but I know he wasn't over her. Regardless, she and her boyfriend broke up. He later admitted to me that after her break up, they had physical relations a few times, the soonest being about a month before we began dating. When she found out that he and I were seeing each other, his first relationship post-divorce, she sent him a message asking him about me and whether I call him specific nicknames. He told me that she said to do what he wanted. This was message number one. However, it seems like her frequency in random messages has increased. His grandmother passed away, and she sent him a message to pay her respects, number two, also asking when his mother would return from Mexico so she can send her something in the mail like flowers. This was totally understandable. Message three consisted of telling him to listen to the song "Marvin's Room" remixed by JoJo that has an obvious message to through a blow at someone's "new chick" and insinuates that she is better than the said "new chick." I found this really out of line. Now, the first two emails he admittedly told me about. The subsequent song "dedication" one he did not tell me about. He wanted to listen to it and told me a coworker had played it at work and he wanted to hear it again. I discovered the real reason for playing it while snooping in his emails (he deletes all emails, I found the response in the sent file) and yes, I am very aware that that is an invasion of privacy and I have promised to not do it again. Now, I told him that this bothered me a lot and apologized for snooping. He explained to me that he did not want to make a mountain out of a molehill and thus he did not ask her why she wanted to send him that song, etc. I chose to attempt to ignore it. Now, she began messaging him two days ago, which he said was to ask whether his mother is back home yet. This conversation was pretty lengthy for just one purpose. This upset me. Later on, after deleting all the messages, she texted "text me later sucka" which could be construed as common courtesy or a real request. I expressed again that I did not see the reason why they had to speak so much, that the reason he gave me could not explain a lengthy conversation. As I said before, the relationship between them, as far as I was concerned, was solely based on paying her. Now, we had a bit of an argument because of it. He explained to me that he's just not a mean person and doesn't really want to make a big deal. I feel like he's being a push over. He told me he told her that he was with me at the time. I asked him what kind of impression that was supposed to make, you're with your new girlfriend but you're texting your ex? He explained to me that he and her had gone through a lot in life together, and that she knew things about him that he wouldn't even ever tell me (my response was, "wow, that makes me feel even more confident.") He told me that she is like his best friend. I told him that although they have gone through a lot and she likely knows him a lot better than I do, they do not have children, and I don't see why anything prior to their marriage/divorce is relevant to his current situation. I don't care about the friendship they had before they got together in the first place. That isn't a justification to maintain excessive contact because they jeopardized that friendship when they chose to take it to the next level. Now, this is my problem, I can tell my boyfriend is not 100% over his ex. He has a lot of old pictures and notes, not out in the open, but in his phone and in photo albums, etc. He feels responsible for the failure of his marriage to her, and he probably is the more accountable one, I understand that, but he has no reason to use his guilt for things not working out as almost an obligation to be there for her. I asked him specifically, "if your ex called you today and said drop everything and come move back with me, would you do it?" He told me no. He told me that because he said he doesn't think she would be saying it out of genuine feelings, and solely based on the current situation with he and I she may just be trying to ruin us. He said he didn't know how she would be in a hypothetical "month" from now in that said situation. Yesterday, I snooped again, and discovered two sent emails. One from two days ago, the day she said text me later, at 9:30PM saying "goodnight homie," and a second, sent at 4:30PM after I had picked him up from work, which was the ultimate smack... The subject was "do not reply she's here" and the content was the name and artist of a Spanish song that consists of "if I don't hold you in 24 hours I am a dead man, my world will end, I'm sorry for calling you and I know this wasn't what we agreed on, but I'm still here waiting and you told me we would be together again someday. Tell me you love me." Now, I specifically promised I would not snoop again but I had a bad feeling, so I can't admit to seeing it. I was extremely hurt. I don't know if she asked him for the name of the song or whether he sent it out of his own will. I told him yesterday after speaking to my best friend that if he did not tell her to back off, and on the off chance that I would manage to see her saying anything about me again NOT via snooping, I will tell her to back off myself. I don't appreciate this whatsoever. I'm very hurt and confused. I don't want to get hurt again, and this man has done nothing but make me happy other than in this situation. In fact, other than this situation, and before it really escalated, I have never been more happy with a new guy, it's like everything I deserved in another person, and that's a pretty deep thing to say but I wouldn't say that if I didn't mean it... Any minimal argument has never been because of anything between he and I, only because of her. I think she is trying to lodge a wedge between us to cause an end to our relationship. What am I supposed to do now? I don't want to be second-best. I don't want to compete with her or be compared to her. I don't want her to keep trying to lodge herself in his head on a regular basis. I don't genuinely believe her motivation is solely based on friendship with him, I believe that she wants him to be her back up plan. How am I supposed to let him know that this is unhealthy to our relationship and unfair?

View related questions: at work, best friend, broke up, co-worker, divorce, ex called, flowers, grandmother, his ex, immature, lost his job, money, text

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A female reader, Abella  +, writes (21 August 2011):

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