A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I came out and asked my BF if I am his only girl... because of past trust issues. He cheated to be with me and we have been together for about 14 months. I have asked him this a few times before with no concrete evidence. Just fear maybe because he already cheated to be with me and I am hoping he is reformed and will not do it to me someday. But the fears come out and that is when I start to question.The latest round of questions came on as a result of his not being able to orgasm the other day with me and I automatically thought he had sex with another girl and wasn't able to reload in time for when we were together. I surprised him and sex with me was not planned on that day so he was not expecting it. He still was up for it. He was able to get it up and please me for quite some time. Just did not come.Of course he will deny it. Maybe because it is the truth. I get it. He might be telling the truth.But what if it isn't?Can you guys give me signs that your boyfriend is lying to you?He seemed very calm. Not mad. Said he does not have anyone else. That I am all he needs and wants. That he is trustworthy. He said to me "are you still thinking that?" in reference to the possibility of him cheating because I have thought that before.It was on his way out that I asked. So he answered matter of fact and then left. Not sure if he was leaving quickly to avoid further discussion because I have brought the subject up before and it only gets us into an argument. Or is he leaving because he is guilty and wants no more questions thrown at him?But the biggest thing is he seemed calm. Not angry. And he did not look at me initially when he answered but he did look at me later saying he had no one else. But I am not sure what to believe. Some men are pretty expert liars. It almost seemed like his answer was rehearsed. Said in a way to be believable instead of the truth. Or am I making a big deal out of it?Sometimes I have a gut feeling but no hard evidence except for the fact he has cheated before.How do I stop making him pay for that while still trying to guard my heart against the possibility he will do it to me again?I know I have to let it go and trust. But that is so hard. It is like a defence mechanism, trying to catch him so that I can break free before I invest more feelings into him.So would a guy cheat after 14 months??? The sex is really over the top and adventurous. He is so beyond satisfied so why would he? Why have another girl? I just don't get men!! I do everything for him. Treat him like a king. He knows it. He has even said I am the best he has ever had and that nobody treats him as well as I do...Or am I over reacting???I just don't want the relationship to end over mistrust but the trust issue has been the devil on my back all along. :(
View related questions:
liar, orgasm, sex with another Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2014): Janniepeg, it's the OP.Thank you for all your advice and insight. You have really made a difference.How did you get to be so wise??? ;)A lot of the things you say are really bang on.After I accused him yet again, the next morning, he sent me a kissy face by text. Initiated by him. Seemed even more attentive to me. So I feel better.You are right. I seem to have this huge fear hanging over my head that he will latch onto the next best thing once he is done with me. And I am always trying to outdo myself in the bedroom from the last time to keep the spark going. I am constantly looking for new ideas, outfits, all of that. And don't get me wrong, he loves it and we have the most incredible time and sex together. But yes it is exhausting and all consuming. I have a life too but that life suffers because I am so focused on delivering his fantasy. He does not ask. He likes simple too and has said so. But I put pressure on myself. The spark has not died down at all since we first began seeing each other. And it was him who asked for us to be exclusive only a few months in. Weird that he wore a condom for the first few months and then did not wear one anymore. Wonder why?That is my only worry. That I will be discarded for the next woman who he finds too attractive to turn down. And what a huge worry it is. It consumes me completely. When it does, I back away from him in order to protect myself because I convince myself in my own head that he is doing something wrong and I begin to detach. And sometimes want to avoid him because I do not like this feeling. Even though it probably isn't true. But I do this over and over again. It is so hard emotionally. :( Because he comes after me, we are close again and I let my guard down and enjoy what we have. But then it creeps up.... always.It isn't because I think I am not good enough. I am very attractive and much younger than him. It is just because he already cheated and everybody keeps saying once a cheater, always a cheater. He will do the same thing to you. How you get him is how you lose him. If he does it with you, he will do it to you. But surely not everybody turns out the same, not every situation is the same, or every man is a serial cheater. Or every man cheats on every woman he is with.He says I am beautiful and much more than looks. I am the whole package. He says other woman can be attractive but he is not interested in them. He has the mental and emotional connection with me. He is interested in me. Not anyone else. He keeps assuring me of this. Keeps assuring me he is not looking. His actions always show he is into me and committed to me. But FEAR is a very hard thing to control. The thoughts in your own mind are very hard to control.So, I am trying to find a way to move forward and enjoy what we have because it is pretty special... neither of us has felt this kind of chemistry before... without being paranoid. But also being able to recognize red flags which could be disguised as paranoia. I just do not want him to be doing and saying all the right things to keep me there. Acting. Playing me for a fool. So, I try not to let my guard down. But why should I have my guard up in a relationship??I want to trust him. But deep down, I do not think I can fully trust him. I have my moments when I can but then I cannot. It is a work in progress. And honestly he has done nothing concrete to show he is unfaithful.
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (8 November 2014):
 I had been accused of cheating when I had no one else and I can tell you gut feeling can be wrong. This was when my boyfriend was still paranoid. Nothing I answered was good enough. I got angry, I tried to be calm and answered matter of factly. I swore to god and bombarded his phone all night about the bad things, the pain and torture that would happen to me if I had cheated. So nothing worked until I couldn't take it anymore when he said he was sure I had cheated many times. I just slapped him, twice. Then he never talked about cheating again.
I am not saying he did or did not cheat. I am just saying you can't fully rely on your gut even though people say women have a keen sense of intuition.
If you are feeling this way now, it could be your guilty conscience talking because you were responsible for the break up between him and his ex. You thought that to be happy with him meant that you are a bad person. Maybe it is karma. Before you thought you were better than his ex and now you worry who's your next replacement. Focus on the good and the things he did to make you feel loved instead.
On the other hand, if you are sure what he is capable of, and can be selfish then you shouldn't be with him because to continue this would feel like there is an expiration date or a time bomb waiting to explode. You will exhaust yourself trying to keep up with the excitement and passion alive. He has to show you he is content with a simple life also, and not to blame things on his girlfriend when life gets boring.
A person cheats because one partner is not enough for them. A person like this has an insatiable ego that there is never a perfect girlfriend for them. And it is a woman who has a shaky self esteem and needs outside approval to be sucked into a situation like this. It's a lose lose game that no one should sign up for.
If he had said that with his ex, things were perfect and he still got with you then I would worry. It sounds like their relationship was just ending when he got with you. And what does perfect mean? Passion and excitement all the time?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2014): Thank you for your answer. It's OP.But... Do you think he is cheating?I understand what you are saying but him cheating is what I fear the most. What would destroy me the most. Because although we have a good relationship, it is highly sexual and incredibly good that way. So, for him to go outside would make me feel like I failed. Like I did something wrong. Like I was not enough for him. It would hit me right where I lived.And he goes on and on about not wanting me to ever go with another man. That it would devastate him. That he is the only one for me. The only one who can keep me satisfied and make me happy.And I do LOVE him. However, every woman's nightmare come true is when the man she LOVES is cheating! Especially when he vehemently denies it and goes on about how amazing she is and how he is happy with her and does not need anybody else! How could someone lie like that? Why would a guy have to even take on another woman in the bedroom when he has EVERYTHING HE NEEDS WITH ONE?????And do you think his not being able to orgasm is a sign he was fooling around? This raised a red flag or did I just compound my paranoia?And I want to dismiss my gut that tells me he was lying when he answered me. Just something I cannot put my finger on.... Could I be that wrong? :(It is a tough situation because I find it hard to enjoy what we have because he is a CHEATER. And cheaters are selfish and will do what is best for them in the end. They will not consider your feelings. I know what he is capable of and this scares me beyond words. If an opportunity comes up will he really turn it down? What if it has already come up and he is screwing her? WHY WOULD HE EVEN NEED ME???? WHY DOES HE EVEN WANT TO KEEP ME???It is going well but my worries will always creep up again. He knows how I feel. I told him it would be SO OVER if he was cheating and I found out. I have been faithful to him. Because I want to be. He holds my heart.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (8 November 2014):
It is important that the relationship is not based on sex alone. What makes a relationship stick is that you and him form an emotional connection so that when the passion fades you have something to fall back on to support each other. Your relationship started on an overlap.
When you do nice things for him, it should be from the heart. There is a difference between pleasing and giving. Pleasing is expecting something back and worrying that when the nice gestures stop he would leave. Giving is a generous flow of love without concern of getting anything back.
The only one you can trust is yourself. Worrying more or less does not make him more loyal or disloyal to you. He answered your questions honestly. With a paranoid person no answer is ever good enough. A calm answer could mean knowing how to cover it up. Being angry could mean he is guilty of something and deflecting blame.
The road would be smoother if you could accept any outcome. You are torturing yourself with what might happen in the future. You think you might have a break down if he cheated on you. You think that being cheated on means you are not good enough or pretty enough. Realistically he would be freeing you from a bondage. You have to be the one giving confidence to yourself. You think by preparing a crisis before it starts it would hurt less when it actually comes but really this is hurting yourself more when you question him every day.
You were with a taken man because you felt a need to compete and to prove you are better than his girlfriend. Now strive to be a different person than that. Unconditionally love yourself and have faith that no matter what happens you will be fine.
You try to make men the problem here when the truth is that women cheat just as much, with the same reasons. Like needing attention and praise. Rather than thinking he cheated to be with you, think, he lined up someone else before he had the guts to end it. There was something wrong within the relationship but instead of fixing that he looked for another girl before ending it. He shouldn't have done that. He knew it was wrong. A real cheater is someone who gets off on the secrecy and the hiding. Someone who comes back, begs for forgiveness but cheats over and over again like an addiction.
...............................
|
