A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello allPlease do not misunderstand my intentions. My boyfriend is struggling with Schizophrenia, he has also been mentally and physically abused by a cruel sadistic woman. I know this is very hard for him to deal with but he wont be close with me anymore. we're both young and he is still a virgin. I know i shouldn't but i really want to be with him i love him and want to be close to him.I know that given his situation i should understand and for almost a year i have been but i need the closeness not necessarily sex but a hug a kiss a cuddle. its depressing me as i know he loves me so much. I dont want him to do anything he isnt comfortable with i know that would not be right so how do i change what im doing so i dont feel this way.I guess im just sexually frustrated and feeling guilty for feeling this way when he is struggling.Any thoughts would be appreciated.
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (5 May 2011):
 You are welcome! Thank you for your lovely follow up
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice the sentual things are realy working last night was wonderful thank you guys so much. And abella the chocolate idea was a godsend omg :p
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): Well, I understand your pain. Several of my family members suffer from schizophrenia. For most, it's a lifelong debilitating disease. However, my brother is in a three year long relationship which as far as I know is healthy and they seem set to be together forever.
The no physical intimacy in your relationship is going to be tough, but with time he may improve and become more affectionate. It is truly amazing what drugs and therapy can do for schizophrenia.
Firstly, I think you should consider what this situation is doing to you. It's extremely stressful and upsetting to be close to someone with schizophrenia, if this is seriously impacting your happiness and sanity I'd take a step back. If the only thing about it that's really affecting you is the physical side, then staying with him until he's ready would probably be the best thing.
As for your guilt, stop. I've been there and for as long as your with this person you will always feel guilty until you find a way to resolve it within yourself. Why do you feel guilty? Because he is seriously ill and you're struggling with the consequences. Remember that you did not make him a schizophrenic and it's okay to feel upset and frustrated about it. Life is unfair and this is a terrible thing that has happened to both of you - you're allowed to feel angry/unsatisfied/neglected because of that. It's going to be very hard for you because those are things that will largely go unchanged, but things can get better when you fully accept the situation, what it means, and how you feel about it.
I can understand your boyfriend's not wanting sex, but no physical intimacy at all is a little bit severe. You can help him by very very gradually introducing him to touch again. Does your boyfriend go out much, or have many friends? You should encourage this and try and 'normalise,' ie, introduce him again to the social world and the REAL world. As for you, do not make your boyfriend your life. Work hard at work/study and see your friends. If your boyfriend becomes your entire life, you'll begin to forget the real world too and just resent him more and more. If it ever gets too much, you should also join a group of people who have partners/relatives with schizophrenia. It helps so much to be around people experiencing all the same emotions.
Lastly, educate yourself as thoroughly as you can about his disease. It will help you understand him more.
Good luck, and keep smiling because there's always something to be happy about :) xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello there
Thank you for all your responses. I cant just be freinds with my bf i love him im not tieing myself down to him.
I see were you are comeing from in being his freind and ill be sure to remember that.
My bf is takeing medication and going to theropy sessions. Were not haveing sex because he is not ready mainly because of him being abused. Thats why im so fustrated.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (2 May 2011):
This is a very heavy burden and you must really care about him very much, to ask this question. Raise the issue with his psychiatrist and see what the Doctors thoughts are.
If you do not know exactly what this other woman did to him you certainly do not want to do anything that would remind him of what he endured with her.
Ask the Doctor how you can introduce anything that will be OK for him, but which can also help get him comfortable enough to start to address meeting your needs too.
I do believe that you do not want to do anything that would make him feel worried, nor would you want to ever take any action that might trouble him.
But very gentle sensual things should get the nod from the Doctor.
If Doctor thinks it will not harm him:
Even his medication might be temporarily holding back his sexual sensations. If so that would leave him very frustrated. But his medication is essential. So ask the doctor could be interfering with his responses.
But don't do anything that might make him come off his medication. Because he needs his medication. Often Doctors have another option and another option, if this is happening.
Delight him any way you can think of. For example take actions, often very small, that just gently demonstrate your love.
TASTE: drizzle the apricot sauce around his icecream into into a heart shape.
SIGHT: put on an apron to serve him his breakfast in bed. JUST an apron. He will not realise until you turn to walk out of the bedroom. Say nothing. See what reaction you can elicit.
HEARING: record a soothing love note or read from a love poem that is just for him, from you.. Record it and then make it into a dvd. Then suggest he play it.
It means he can listen to your voice, even if you are not there. And your voice will be full of love.
TOUCH: make a mit from a very soft plush immitation fur. Look as if you are dusting, but as you reach him run the soft mit over his skin, repeat only if he says he likes it.
TASTE: you can't beat chocolate. Smooth it on your fingers and ask him to lick it off.
As you busy yourself cutting brownies into heart shapes.
FEELINGS: talking about his feelings may be too much for him. But do try to focus on everything that makes you feel good about him.
Focus on what you can also do to put some 'zing' back into your life.
Some might say this is too much for you.
People who do not know your inner strength might say 'walk away' but you have come this far. I think your boy friend is very lucky to have such a great girl friend. And i think you have the staying power. As long as you do make some time for you, your friends and your family.
Some people are mature, empathic and smart at 16. Some people are none of those things above, and may never ever be as wise as someone young and wise like you. Yet they are years and years older than 16.
You are correct to think about your own sexual needs while your boy friend is very ill. And your boyfriend may not yet be ready, while he is still hurting. Yet between the Doctor, maybe the social worker, maybe a therapist, you and your boyfriend it may well be that your boyfriend also feels very sad that he feels unable to meet his own sexual needs. Have patience and slowly you and all the parties above can consider this as just one more aspect of his recovery.
Best wishes for the future with this issue.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (2 May 2011):
Well. Schizophrenia is very bad news. And, I'm sorry to say, but you are a little too young to tie your life to someone who could never heal at all. Anyway, if you are fully determined to stay with him, you will have to give up things like this (sex), and a lot more.I think you should change your relationship with him and stay friends. I guess that won't help him too much, but it could be better than cheating on him or leaving. Staying friends you can go on with your life and still be there for him.The worst part here is, you can't discuss it with him, I guess. His condition prevents him of being fully connected with reality.In the end, I guess you have a decision to make. Whether you are willing to give up a lot of your youth for staying his girlfriend. Again I think that there is this middle point where you can move on without abandoning him.
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