A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay, my boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years. For the longest time, up until several months ago he was very much "into" me, and I mean by giving me a ton of his time/attention. He text me nonstop and was always sharing details about his day and made me feel like a part of his life. I never had to sit and wonder what he was doing, or where he was at, when I wasn't with him because he shared those things.Now, it isn't like that. He hardly contacts me except when he wants me over. During the week he basically ignores me (he'll miss a day, then speak the next, maybe the next and miss the next) but is contacting me on the weekends when he wants me over. He's gotten too damn comfortable in this relationship. He's taking me for granted. He's become lazy and is putting forth absolutely NO effort, whatsoever. When the weekend comes and I act like I don't want to see him (after being neglected all week) he makes comments such as "if you don't come over just delete me from facebook and go on with your life then" and other bullshit remarks. However, when he thinks I'm starting to really leave him he goes back into contact mode just like he used to be.He's become so lazy, and unappreciative and I'm fed up with it. I love this guy to death but I'm being taken for granted. What can I do to make him realize he has to put forth effort like he once was? I don't think I should have to go to his house when *he* decides (we do have sex) when he can't even make the effort to have any decent conversation with me through the week. He sent me a voice message last night at 11pm saying he loved and missed me and to be careful if I went out due to the weather. I haven't heard from him since but I'm sure he'll be texting me tomorrow wanting me over. I don't think that's right and it hurts. I'm sure some of you are like "he goes one day w/o contact and you're complaining? really?" but it wasn't always like this. For years he was blowing up my phone. Now he doesn't and it isn't because he's too busy. He's just gotten where he has to do no work and right there I am. I want to break this cycle without having to actually leave him. Is there a way?
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 January 2014):
 I think you have to pretend you are dating him as if he's a different man who does not like texting. What he's doing now is normal compared to the average guy. He is only lazy and unappreciative compared to how he was at the beginning. You were used to him texting all the time, basically "spoiled" from the hourly attention he gave you. In reality only a small percentage of men act like this. Even smaller percentage of men who could persist this habit throughout life. Maybe he wanted to quit the habit long before because it just didn't feel natural anymore. Instead of a gradual slowing down of text he went to the extreme of not texting you. Not taking someone for granted also means you don't insist everything to be the same, and that you can learn to be more flexible to changes.
What he said about deleting him from facebook was hurtful. He's getting defensive and couldn't understand why he doesn't feel like texting anymore. Relationship goes through stages. Love is more than just reporting your daily activities. He's at a stage where he wants the relationship to be more serious. He's taking a long time but it's getting there. No one is telling you to fake interest but a request for him would be to at least understand why you are feeling the way you do. You want him to be authentic at the same time being able to reassure you when the change seems so sudden. You could say to him that you are getting used to the new him and you really want to connection to last.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for the replies. He finally text me last night but there was nothing to it. Basically just a reassurance(?) text that he hadn't forgot about me. There was no mention of today, and I haven't heard from him yet, so I have no idea if we're even still on for our "date" night. I'm so frustrated. I will admit that he did contact me everyday this past week, but it's not the same anymore. There's no real emotional connection coming through on his side when we're apart and therefore it's affecting the way I interact with him when I *do* see him.I saw him Tuesday night, for the new year, and everything was going alright so of course we had sex a couple of times. The last time, I had to stop it mid-way through because I wasn't "feeling" it. I just sat up in the bed and he asked me what's wrong and I told him "this", "us". I told him something's missing and there's this "distance" between us and how making love doesn't even feel the same anymore. It's going to be the same way today if I do see him. He's pulled back emotionally during the week and expecting me to act the same when I'm around him. I just can't do it. I can't fake it. This hurts like hell. I feel like our relationship is crumbling all around me and there's nothing I can do to stop it. It's not that easy to just let go when we've been together for so long and shared so many things with one another. He's the first man I've ever fallen in love with so this really blows. I see him, after the week, things feel odd for me. He acts the same in person as he always did, but so drastically different away from me, it leaves me feeling pissed, hurt, heartbroken and confused. When I see him I don't want to run and wrap my arms around him, kiss him for hours, be intimate with him. He's starting to feel like a stranger. I just don't know what to do. If I see him anytime this weekend I don't even know how to bring it up (again).
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 January 2014):
 Do you know that prayer?, one which more or less says " God grant me the strength to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I cannot accept, and the wisdom to know the difference ".
Now, this is a problem going on since several months, and it's not as if it has been swept under the carpet. You have talked to him about it, maybe even fought about it, you have told him what you'd like him to do, he does it for one day, then it's back to square one.
It's not as if he does not know or suspect or realizes what you feel. He knows but he won't give you what you want.
So I think you need to be realistic and accept that he is not going to change. You can't make people do what they don't want to do, unless at gun point, so I guess you have to assume that he does not want to communicate more with you during the week. Now, that's not necessarily such a terrible thing per se . You say there's no other woman, he is not ill or stressed out or overworled, he has not stopped loving you, he takes you out on dates- just, for reasons of his that aren't quite clear to us, or to you, his desire for more frequent , regular communication is not there. And if he hasn't this desire / need / wish to woo you and pursue you and reassure you , there's no ploy or game or ruse to extract it out of him.
So, it seems to me you cannot change this behaviour . Then, can you accept it ? You must think long and hard , and weight accurately pros and cons. On one hand he still sees you regularly, he still wants you sexually, still is loving and affectionate when you are together, still makes you part of his life , introduces you to his friends etc. On the other end, he does not give you all the attentions that you want, he does not blow up your phone, he is not as romantic as you'd want him, he does not tell you all the minute details of his life, he does not call you for no reason other than telling you he is thinking of you, etc.etc...
How important are those things to you ? Only you can answer and can decide. If you ask me, a man who blows my phone up every day to tell me, now I am at work, now I am at the dentist's, now I am at the supermarket, tonight I am going to see such and such movie, and then I am going to X pub th drink X brand of beer... oh gosh, that's MY idea of a nightmare ; I don't think it would make me feel loved and cherished, it would just make me mad. But I am a person who even when is sappily crazily in love still needs her space. Maybe you have a more fusional idea of love, and can't really feel it ,if it is not constantly reiterated in words , and if you don't share absolutely everything with your man. I am not judging - people are different, and have very dufferent levels of comfort and different needs for intimacy in a relationship.
So, you have to see if having the daily goodnight call, the out of the blue loveydovey text etc.. are really important to you, a need not just a want. Or, if you can do without, considering that you love the guy, he is treating you well all in all, he is not cheating , he is attentive when you meet up, etc.etc.
If it just does not feel like love without all the " trimmings " - no other solution than leaving him, you'd just get more unhappy and frustrated by the day. If you think that even with the cooling off it is still basically a good relationship, then graciously concede defeat, stop pushing for more calls, more words- and keep busier !, that will give you something else to focus your emotions on, sorry to say that because it sounds bitchy , but I have seen time and again that when people has got the time and the will to count how many calls and how many texts... it's because they have too much time on their ends and too much space in their mind for having a full, gratifying life, romance is wonderful but can't be the be all and end all of an adult life .
I know that this is a disappointing advice to you, I have no strategies or magic formulas to make a man do what he does not want to do to begin with, then again I hope you'll realize that when you ask how can I fix him without actually leaving him, it is a bit like asking how can I make an omelette without breaking the eggs.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 January 2014):
 Well if the stems from him REALIZING that he is STILL getting laid, you are STILL running over (as you put it) when he DOES text, hen maybe you need to revise your strategy.
I'm not saying play games - because lets face it, that is for kids and it will blow up in your face.
But when you go out to dinner tell him (AGAIN) how it feels with him not putting forth the same effort he did not long ago. And don't let him throw a hissy-fit like the "just delete me from Facebook crap" - try not to make the "talk" accusatory but explain how it makes you feel. Explain how much you miss having that extra line of communication that you two USED to have. See if that works. If not. I would start doing things on my own (with friends) and not be AS available as you have been. See if he puts forth more of an effort.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to add that he does take me out. He's always wanting to do things (has planned a dinner date for me tomorrow nite actually) and always wants to introduce me to anyone new he meets and seems fine in person. But, his texting/attitude has changed so drastically when I'm away from him it's hard to deal with and is causing some problems that wouldn't be here if he simply did what he was doing. MOD: if you want just add this into my last post
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I've talked to him and he tries for a day or so and then right back to the same thing. I really don't think this is a case of him being interested in someone else. He's just gotten lazy and acts like he doesn't have to "woo" me anymore. He acts loving and sweet in person and I can tell by the way he looks at me he really loves me, but he's horrible when we're apart now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2014): "if you don't come over just delete me from facebook and go on with your life then"
I'm sorry to say but those are not the words of someone who cannot imagine their life without you.
I suggest you sit him down and you explain how you feel that he invites you round when it's convenient for him but does not put forth the emotional investment to make it worth your while going to see him. At this stage after 3 years, you should be in contact on a regular basis if you are planning to be together in the longterm.
When you talk to him, let him know exactly what you need from him and also ask him if anything he feels you can work on so that you both compromise.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 January 2014):
What else had changed recently?
The fact that he does the "drop me from FB and dump he" if you don't want to come over sounds like THAT is in fact what he wants you to do. All you are good for at the moment is booty calls?
You say he sent you a voice mail - DID you respond to that?
**** He sent me a voice message last night at 11pm saying he loved and missed me and to be careful if I went out due to the weather. I haven't heard from him since but I'm sure he'll be texting me tomorrow wanting me over. ****
And no, I don't think you should act like his dog (well bitch) and come when he calls.... Does he ever TAKE you out? Or just call you over for sex?
I think YOU need to get busy in YOUR life for a while. Though I DO think that communication should ALWAYS be 50/50 - it shouldn't JUST be the guy texting the girl. Inviting the girl out. And so forth.
And I just recheck your age.. Wow. You are both in your 30's? So why haven't you SAT him down and asked him what has changed and TOLD him that you feel taken for granted?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe had an issue come up in our relationship that caused us to start fighting quite a bit. We seem to be getting along better but he's still somewhat distant. So, it is kind of a case of him winning me over and stopping. This is him just being lazy and getting whatever he wants without having to do anything to get it. Now I guess he sees that he doesn't have to contact me and I'll come running.. as opposed to him contacting me nonstop and me still running. That's the cycle I want to break. His being too comfortable and lazy.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (4 January 2014):
For roughly three years he has been attentive so I can't go with the theory that he has won you over so stopped. I would try to find out what changed. Perhaps he's interested in someone else, or you wanted marriage and he doesn't. You had known him as having an expressive personality so now that he's quiet he might have some secrets he can't tell you. He has to though, it's just a matter of time. He is waiting for a time when he feels that you won't be having a big reaction when he tells you. I would stop going over there. If he wants your company he has to come to your place. I really think it's a time you focus on yourself and stop worrying and analyzing. If he loves you he would find a way and become the guy he once was.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2014): Repeat what you have shared here, then he'll know your feelings. Generally men don't pick up on hints, you have to say what you're thinking otherwise time passes and they don't get it repeatedly until you blow and they haven't seen it coming.
Make it easier on both of you, tell him calmly how you feel. After three years, and at the age bracket it comes up you're in (30-35) I would be expecting some sort of commitment such as moving in together, engagement or talk of marriage. He sounds like he's got stuck in a rut, he knows you'll come over and hasn't got to make any effort.
Maybe suggest you go out a bit more, to dinner or something as you might rekindle your connection and chat more then.
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