A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am dealing with some baby momma drama. My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for about a year and a half. We really love each other and talk about a future together. We are both professionals....im a resident physician and he in school to be an engineer. There is one road block though....his baby momma. She can't know about me. He claims that if she finds out he is in a relationship she wont let him see his child. Im not allowed to meet his child, i havent met his family, and I cant associate with anybody that knows her or may provide a route for her finding out about me. This is upsetting for me. But at the same time I do try to understand. You see this time last year he found out he had a child by her. He never knew he got her pregnant. He never had a chance to know his son until this time last year. All of his friends were surprised. As a way to make the situation better for the child he moved the woman in with him so he could develop a proper relationship with the little boy. I worked with him on it. He tried to make it work together between him and the woman for the childs sake but it didnt work. She turned out to be a very violent and controlling woman. There was an altercation (a few in fact but this was the worst. He has already told me she can be a nasty violent woman) that went down where she broke the windows in the house and wrecked his TV over an arguement. My boyfriend pushed her out the front door in an attempt to get her away. Apparently she fell down hit her head so she called the police and got him arrested for domestic violence. I bailed him out of jail and he got a good lawyer but the case never went to court cause I guess they could see through her bull. Anyway. They no longer live together. But she still seems to control every aspect of his life. I genuinely try to understand where he is coming from and I know that rather not deal with her. I make an effort to think about the little boy whos well being is at stake here, who has already been shuffled around in his short 6 years of life. But he cant seem to stand up to her. He never knows when he will see his son, it always has to be on her schedule when she doesnt work. There are no set visitation times, and he tells me that he has to cater to her because he needs to keep the tension down. I support his all the way with spending time with his little boy and im eager to play the stepmother role and will be this little boy' s good friend, encourage him, interact with him, help him With school anything. However, she seems to be dead set on him not dating anybody. I breaks my heart I have to be kept secert. Im a great woman. I love this man with my entire heart, I have his back and im here for him. My boyfriend despite school and working a full time job does make time for me. He calls me everyday takes me out and lets me hang out with him and his friends. He tells me he loves me very much and does worry about losing me. I know he is stuck in a tough place. He doesnt want to jepordize the relationship he has with his son so he has to keep things civil with baby momma. But this woman I know literally has him by the balls. I dont know what to do. Sometimes I wanna walk but I know things would be different if she wasnt so difficult. I dont wanna issue an ultimatum.....especially since there is a child involved. I dont want him to feel like he has to choose between his child and me. Thats shouldnt even be a question. I have a problem with his catering to his baby momma. He needs to be strong and stand up to her. A child needs routine, not randomness. Our relationship suffers because of her. He keeps me in the loop and tells me everything but honestly im getting tired of him being so afraid of her. So I guess my question is.....can anyone shed light on this situation? Has anyone been in a similar situation with severe baby momma drama? How do you deal? I feel bad telling him what I think of this situation....cause its not my arena to comment. I dont wanna walk but I know I deserve better at times then to be pushes aside because my man is afraid to thr repercussions. But then again I do understand this is a very difficult and potentially violent woman. And an innocent little boy is involved. What should I do? Thanks for reading and I apologize for any typos. Im on a phone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I unfortunately was too nice and he often leeched money off of me. Gas, food, wanting expensive stuff. I love to make people happy so I gave
In all the time. Stupid I know. I did not pay for his lawyer though. Thank god. But this I will chalk this up to experience and from now on not give people the benefit of the doubt all the time. Cause not everyone out here is nice. Thank you guys so much for the helpful advice.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 July 2014):
 You said: "The cash flow from his doctor girlfriend is about to end." What?! He's been using you for money??? Wow. He really *IS* playing you. As soon as relationships start getting financial with loans, payments, "borrowing", "supporting", that's serious corrosion. You should not give him one more penny for anything. He's getting women pregnant and taking money from the hand of others? Where is the future in this??
You have everything going for you! You have a profession that commands respect, took intelligence, discipline, and a hell of a lot of time and money to train you in, not to mention an innate talent and desire to heal.
You do not need this guy leeching money off of you left and right, and obviously, paying bail for him wasn't the only money you've paid for him. Never ever let yourself get desperate for a guy like that again. He is a user, and you're being USED.
He was evicted in 2010? I'd be interested to wonder if he's the only name on the record, but Obviously his credit is in the toilet then, because that's a public record on par with a bankruptcy or a foreclosure or a repossession. I hope like hell he hasn't been hitting you up for co-signing, adding him as a signator on credit cards you own, or whatever. That'll be a lot of hot water for you.
Did *you* pay for this good lawyer?? You bailed him out of jail, so are you paying for all of this stuff? Are you giving him money for supposed "child support"? You are the gravy train, and even if he didn't have this issue with the deception over this other woman, this guy is no good. He sounds like he's not one for condoms, so how much would your life be messed up if you became pregnant?
Check HER out as well as him. I'm guessing that her history will be most enlightening. Don't forget social media as well. If you know of any screen names he's operated under, you might find out things about him you didn't before, and as far as his Facebook page, does he have one? If so, who's on it?
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female
reader, Angora998 +, writes (23 July 2014):
I feel for you but there are a few things he needs to do in order for you to continue the relationship. Tell him these must take place or you are walking away, and demand that you see the documentation. 1 - he needs to see a lawyer, file for paternity testing and visitation rights, and make arrangements for child support if the testing proves he's the biological father 2 - demand that you meet his parents, family etc. 3 - demand that he file a restraining order and arrange for visitation switch over of child to be done at a police station and/or social worker office, etc.The meeting of family should take within a week of demanding it ... period. Otherwise you're a secret lover, and he's still in a relationship with this woman or he likes the drama. There are some people male and female both that get off on extreme drama. You do not deserve that, and you deserve to be in a relationship with a man that includes you in activities with his family and his proud of his relationship. If he cannot do this, either he likes the drama or is a coward. You do not want either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYep. Ill keep you guys posted on the dirt I dig up. The cash flow from his doctor girlfriend is about to end. Lol. Feeling kinda good now that the blinders are taken off. Little does he know while im sitting in the hospital between patients im researching his credentials. I deserve better. I know it. :@)
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female
reader, Staceily +, writes (23 July 2014):
 You just trusted someone you care deeply for and were blind to the signs. We have all been there at some point. Unfortunately some people are capable of these kinds of lies. And until someone has completely deceived you, we tend to not think people can actually be capable of such things. It's selfish more than anything else, wanting everything and not caring who they hurt in the process. I'm glad you are looking into it and sound quite strong. Good luck to you, I know you will be okay.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate everyone's input by the way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys update.....I purchased a background report on him which included marrige, relatives and possible associations. He is not married and his supposed child or baby momma doesnt show up in relatives or possible associations. No criminal record besides a past eviction from 2010 and traffic citations. The arrest was indeed true. It is posted online and in local newspapers. I did some research so that story adds up. However he wasnt convicted obviously cause it didnt show up in the comprehensive paid background check. So we are clear there. Okay so he is not married. The child has the mother's last name so he is not listed as the father on the birth certificate. Im going to start some detective work here. My days of being understanding are over. I know im a great woman, with a great career. I have money and can take care of myself. I dont need a man. I honestly dont know how someone can be this way and just lie.Just be real with people. I dont get it.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 July 2014):
 I think he is playing you like a super skilled violinist and YOU are letting him, because somehow YOU get something out of this relationship and all this drama.
If you stay with this guy enjoy a stable diet of force feed bull crap, because there is no way this scenario is realistic.
Either he has no balls or he is a first rate grifter and liar.
And since there is NO DNA test and he isn't ON the birth certificate (or is he?) there is NO LEGAL bond.
Why would ANY guy go out of his way to pretend or accept paternity of a child with a women who is THIS nuts? It makes no sense.
If I were you i'd go out and buy a good set of running shoes and pick a direction, and start running.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 July 2014):
After your follow-up, I'm even much more convinced that you're being played. To everyone he's not letting you meet that's in his life, I bet anything that they think she is his girlfriend. Have you been allowed on his Facebook or have you seen it?? How about his LinkedIn if he has one?
He says he got a very good lawyer who got him out of a domestic violence case? Have you met this lawyer? Do you know his name and have you looked him up online to verify his story? If he is confident in court cases that involve criminal charges with him and has the money to call lawyers, then there's no reason he's can't involve the courts when it comes to his son. Did you look up the court case? Did you see the police record? Did you look up the police news for that day in his local newspaper, the one with small blurbs detailing all of the police activities besides traffic stops?
6 months into YOUR relationship, which you allowed, he finds out he's a dad and moves her into his house. How, exactly, did you "work with him" on it?? He says he moved them in for a better relationship with the boy, then you say he tried to make it work as a couple. Was he sleeping with both of you at the same time, because in my book, that is cheating on you. Another thing....guys don't tend to even consider a move like that unless she is his wife and they were separated. Have you looked for a marriage license? They're found online quite easily. I have looked my own up and found it within 30 seconds.
I really think you're getting played, and I hope, very deep down, that you already know it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2014): I hope you read the very detailed and helpful answers here, you ARE being played for a fool Im sorry. He is lying to you, he knew about that child all along and he is still with her. Get out of this damaging non relationship, you have already wasted enough time energy and money
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female
reader, Staceily +, writes (22 July 2014):
"She can't know about me. He claims that if she finds out he is in a relationship she wont let him see his child. Im not allowed to meet his child, i havent met his family, and I cant associate with anybody that knows her or may provide a route for her finding out about me."
My first thought was that he is in a relationship with this woman and is feeding you a bunch of crap. Sorry, none of it adds up. There are no excuses for keeping you hidden and no excuses for him to not report her physical abuse or her refusing to let him see his child. A man goes to court when fighting to see his child from an ex girlfriend or ex wife who refuses. He is actually DOING something. She has absolutely no rights to keep him from seeing his child. And no man fighting to see his child would accept her doing this.
Let's look at the timeline as well. You have been with him for 1 1/2 years. He found out he had the child this time last year, 1 year ago, so you were dating at this time for about 6 months. At this time he moved her into his house, while you were dating him. I have never heard of a more relaxed girlfriend than yourself.
Also you mention the child is 6, "shuffled around in his short 6 years of life". So he was 5 years old when your boyfriend found out about him. And your boyfriend didn't think he should do a paternity test immediately? It's all fine that he fell in the love with the kid over time and maybe now he is scared to find out. But when the news first dropped he didn't get a paternity test?? A woman from his past shows up out of the blue 5 years later saying the child is his, while he's in a relationship with you, and he doesn't question this? He just moves her in with him? And you don't question this either?
He could be doing a multitude of things to get visitation rights. What he is doing is appeasing his ex and doing nothing. She showed up while he was dating you for 6 months already and for some reason she was then allowed to call the shots. Did she show up and immediately say "if I hear you are dating someone then you won't be able to see this child I am just now informing you of." When did she tell him he is not allowed to have a girlfriend? Why would he allow any of this? Again, none of it adds up. Maybe I am missing something or need better clarification because right now it seems like he is playing you for a fool.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 July 2014):
 he doesn't want a DNA test because he doesn't want to know he's NOT the father.
I agree with YouWISh... something is very wrong somewhere.
He needs to get a DNA test and make sure he is the dad
his bullshit story about not meeting family and friends because it would upset her... is just that BULLSHIT....
I'm sorry but I think that someone is not telling the truth... the fact that you can't meet his family and friends is very critical here... why are YOU the dirty secret?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2014): So he wants to put up with a supposedly crazy woman for the sake of a child who might or might not be his that he only sees randomly?
I don't know how you are happy for this madness to continue but i wouldn't stand for it.
First off, DNA test. Secondly, meet his parents and friends and the whole lot. Thirdly, organise visitation through courts.
Unless you just want a friends with benefits situation where he compartmentalises you in the sex / cuddles / relaxing category, and you're not integrated in his life I'd do the above.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 July 2014):
Something's off on this one. He has no lawyer and isn't dealing with custody issues and child support? She has no right to deny his visitation. If she is violent, why didn't he call the police on her and show the wrecked television? Why didn't the police see the apparent windows that were broken?? Why when the cops came for him did he not show them the destruction she caused? If she was trespassing on his property, he has the right to tell her to leave. Something is fishy. I don't believe all of his story.
All he has to do is keep a record of all interaction between them, meaning record all of their conversations, save all emails, document every ounce of harassment she has brought onto him.
If he's cash-strapped, there are literally multitudes of pro-bono family lawyers who help people like him because they feel they are doing their part for society. Also, if he is worried about filing in the courts, he can file "in forma pauperis" to circumvent paying court costs if he can't afford it, and he should sue her in conciliation court every time she causes destruction to his property, and should get a doctor's report for every act of violence against him that she does.
Also, if she was violent for as long as he knew her, getting her into his house to live with them doesn't sound like the logical next move. In fact, everything he's talking about in terms of hiding you are moves that people who are still WITH their girlfriends do.
Have you seen the police report regarding the jail thing you bailed him out of? Did you *go* to the jail and bail him out in person, or did you give him the money to do it himself? When the lawyer got his case dismissed, did you get the bail money back like you should have? Have you checked on both his and her criminal record and background history? You're a physician, and to get there, you have to be intelligent, right? Things aren't adding up.
It is against the law for her to bar visitation from him. He pays child support, and if the court has granted visitation, then any move by her to bar it would be nothing short of actionable. Like others have said, has he done the DNA tests to prove paternity?? If he has proof that he is the father, then she can't do jack against him. He has never done anything to the child, so no court will bar a loving father. You never talked about whether he pled guilty or not. She also could have injured herself after he closed the door in an effort to game the system.
Something is *really* off here. Why couldn't you meet HIS parents?? If she is this violent awful psycho, they wouldn't run to her with news, yet you're not allowed to meet them. That's more plausible if they think he's still WITH her and made up the story.
You need to stop taking him at his word and do some research on him, and her. It doesn't cost a lot, and in some states, court records are free to look up on people. He got a good lawyer and the case was dismissed. So none of it happened in the court's eyes. He needs to fight for custody and look up HER records. The statute of limitations isn't done yet on the property she destroyed. He has receipts for the windows and the TV she destroyed? How was she allowed IN the house? He let her in?
Something's really fishy here. If she was this violent, he should be a lot stronger in his fight to get custody of his son, because she very well could be hurting HIM. His cowering from her because he is afraid she'll bar visitation is complete BS. He has no criminal history of violence if his lawyer got the charge dropped. She gamed the system.
YOU do your research. The time for understanding and stepping aside is over. If he won't fight for his son and introduce you to his parents after a year and a half, walk away, otherwise, it looks like you are his strange on the side he got to bail him out of his lover's spat. If he's telling him the truth, then it's actually in his favor to let everyone know about you, and then document every single illegal thing she does in response and use it against her as evidence in court. Every phone call, text, threat, act of violence, stalking, property destruction, every withheld meeting, every act of blackmail, EVERYTHING. Revealing you would actually in the end be beneficial for his child and him and his family.
But I'm not buying his story, to be honest. Words are words.
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female
reader, Adeboyefa  +, writes (22 July 2014):
 "She can't know about me. He claims that if she finds out he is in a relationship she won't let him see his child. I'm not allowed to meet his child, I haven't met his family, and I can't associate with anybody that knows her or may provide a route for her finding out about me".
He is probably hiding you because he has been begging the ex to come back into his life. Imagine, he hasn't introduced you to his family, let alone take you to the registry. Forget his cock-and-bull story of her being violent.
If the child is his, he should go to court to insist on his visitation rights.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for answering. My boyfriend had no idea at all he had a child by her. I know this for a fact cause we were friends for 3 years before we became romantically involved. There was no mention of her or his son. Even when we first dated there was no mention of him having a son. He is also a possible father. The baby momma told him one day that the child might not be his. He called me and told me the same dayNo DNA test was done but he assumes the child is his. Thats why the court is not involved. But honestly my boyfriend doesnt want to know for sure cause he has grown attached to the little boy and wants to he his daddy whether or not biological. I think he is trying to keep things as drama free as possible. Hence no DNA test. Visitation is just very randomized. And I think he is hoping things will smooth out with her. Its a very tricky situation. All other aspects of our relationship are great. He treats me with respect, takes me out, shows and tells me he loves me. Serious talk about marrige might be too soon at our age. We are in our late twenties so no rush there especially at only a year and a half. Hes not yet done with school yet and im just finishing up residency so no need to rush. But we do really love each other. I can tell he is frusterated about the whole thing though. I guess I will keep waiting but I do realize there will become a time where I should walk if things dont change. He knows full well I support him being with his son biological or not and prepared to be a wonderful stepmom regardless. I wanna advise him and encourage a DNA test to end this madness he deals with but its not my arena to comment.
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (22 July 2014):
Does not sound like there are any legal entities here, why is that? No visitation rights? Is this kid really his? How come she has so much control over him? Why doesn't he stand up for himself?
I don't think there is anything you can do here, other than wait and it sounds like this will be a long long wait.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 July 2014):
 What you heard was his side of the story. If she was violent then he should have called the police on her, before she did. A man can paint an ex in any light he wishes. He could have simply fought for custody if the mother was indeed violent, half custody at least if she wasn't. Then she couldn't stop him from visiting his child. Any reason he hasn't done it, for 6 years? Also, if your boyfriend has intentions to marry you, then there is nothing the babymama could do to stop this. Unless he just sees you as an underground sex partner. If a babymama gets that angry, it's usually because they've had negotiations of who could be around the child. Maybe he had told her not to bring guys into the home with the children, but he himself is bringing women home. It's the unfairness and double standards that drive people mad.
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