A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now and love each other very much. We're very serious and have been making plans live together this summer. We have a great sex life-- we've very open with each other and I trust him. However, I can't get this one instance out of my mind!We had each had a glass of wine and began making out at my house. He was being very aggressive but I liked it.. he pushed me onto the bed and we started having sex doggiestyle. It was great at first, but then he just pulled out and started having anal with me! He didn't say anything or ask me (he knew I had never done it before), he just started pounding me really hard. I should have said something about it, but I was really surprised and confused and just went with it. At one point in the middle he asked "are you okay??" And I said yes. He probably asked because I was making a lot of noise (and not really out of pleasure. Then he pulled out, turned me over and ejaculated on my chest. Our eye contact was really intense and I felt really strange because I wanted to be like "What just happened??" but also felt like I was supposed to be okay with it... it was a very confusing feeling. Then we showered together and I was trying to pretend like everything was normal because I felt embarrassed. He said to me "I can tell you're feeling weird, I can hear it in your voice. We can talk about it if you want, I mean I did just 'vulnerable-ize' you". I explained that I hadn't done anal before and that I wish he had asked me first. He said I was right, and then we just moved on... But the thing is I am still thinking about what happened. Why did he do that? Is this a sign that he doesn't respect me? Was I objectified? These are the things running through my head, but I'm conflicted because I know he loves me and we've been together for so long. Why do you guys think he did that and is it a bad sign? Thanks for any advice you might have.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2012): You no longer trust him. I think that's wise. He's proven himself to be at the very least inconsiderate and possibly even borderline abusive.You aren't open with one another. That's a fantasy in your head. He may have manipulated you into thinking it's all fine but you are here, asking strangers on the internet, what is 'normal'? YOU decide what YOUR normal is. YOU set your own limits and boundaries. HE doesn't get to decide. That's YOUR decision. So step up and stop being so coy about it.Surprise anal sex without preparation or lubricant and then so vigorous you describe it as pounding away? This question sounds as though it's been written by a person who has never had an unlubricated penis rammed up the anus. You wouldn't just lie there and make unhappy noises. There would be pain, tearing and bleeding. In the small possibility that this is a valid question, I have some very important advice for you.Don't move in with him next year. Don't have sex with him until you have made your limits and boundaries 100% clear to him. I think he might make a splendid EX-boyfriend.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 November 2012):
 the update gets me to look at ages.
he's 34 and you are young... he knew. He was wrong. He bullied you... you need to be stronger and tell him the truth but in this case he would have probably forced you to "try it"
Honey if you can't talk to him then you need to end the relationship. Age gap relationships only work if both parties respect the other. He took advantage of your age.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2012): It was a weird moment and weird moments happen. Should he have asked first? Absolutely? But did he act like he didn't give a shit? NO. He checked in with you during the act and afterwards. Should you have said something when it was happening or after? Yes! Mistakes on both sides. But it doesn't mean you don't share a solid loving relationship. It just means you guys had a weird moment and you should have talked through it together and not let it rest until you both feel OK.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2012): Your boyfriend is a rapist.
Get away from him.
Seriously. It doesn't matter what he's like, he's a rapist. he raped you.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 November 2012):
 What you describe is completely unacceptable in a relationship and I have no doubt you were shocked beyond belief.
What he did is enough grounds to break up withhim.
ANd I concur completely with person12345 on this one. What he did was a crime. This is unacceptable. This is sexual assault.
He took things too far.
Now you are concerned about the future. He has affected your trust in him. And he took extreme advantage of you. The age difference and your inexperience means that he should have been more gentle. Instead he was exceptionally selfish and focused on what he wanted, to your detriment.
Should you be concerned. YES, I would say that this needs more discussion where he does not try to 'shut down' your very understandbale concern.
I am so very sorry you suffered this sexual assault - all imposed on you without informed consent before it started.
You are quite within your rights to set some ground rules so he does not impose on you without prior discussion - anal sex can hurt. And even damage you internally if especially rough.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2012): He is watching too many porn videos. Anal with out prior consent? He is just taking advantage of a young woman. He knows you enough to know that you would just go along with this-otherwise he wouldn't have done it that way. I don't like the lack of respect he has towards you. He would't do this to someone his age- NO way. I think sex/intimacy is complicated. Both partners should be able to discuss fantasies, likes, dislikes etc. with out sneaking that kind of stuff in. That was really shady. Sorry but you need to take a stand here. He should apologize & understand that this is not going to happen again. Sounds like you didn't like it & could do with out anal, am I right?
Good luck my friend :-)
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 November 2012):
 You have a right to be concerned because normally a guy would not be interested in anal sex and be so confident about doing it. You've come to a very delicate part of your sexuality. Anal sex is more than just tight sensations. It also has to do with domination. Some will think it has something to do with homoerotic tendencies. It gives guys a sense of power. It doesn't mean he can't be a gentleman, treating you with respect. He could be treating you like a princess, making your breakfast in the morning but just for a moment it gives him a high. It has nothing to do with love, it may not bond you when one of you feels it's taboo. There are many BDSM couples who feel that role playing enhances their love but obviously with you it's not the case, not for now, but maybe one day when you are older you may appreciate that kind of relation. I did not get introduced to BDSM until 27 and I liked it, but now do not feel it's a necessary part in loving a mate. Remember, there is light attraction and dark attraction. There are many primal needs in us. Some need to be fulfilled, while some people could go without them.
I don't think your boyfriend is now a perv or is treating you like a sex toy, not at all. He is horny and has some dominant streak in him. I am sure he could be gentle at the same time if you ask him to. The problem with communication is that sometimes a woman wants a man to take charge, and when it comes to anal sex, the man hesitates, afraid of hurting the girl, try to go in slowly, then ow! ow! Then it just never happens. I also think that your boyfriend is quite small down there. I have never been able to let anal sex happen with an average guy.
You may or may not appreciate anal sex, or achieve anal orgasm, ever, so until then you have the power to say no to anal sex. But once you tried anal sex you will always have the curiosity to try more and see what all this fuss is about anal sex. You may also learn relaxation techniques or use butt plugs or dilators (gross! I know)
At the end I feel more comfortable with men who are satisfied with traditional, vanilla sex. Men who have kinky fetishes make me feel that I will never be enough for him.
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reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (18 November 2012):
 Cerebrus, what went on here is not comparable to what goes on between a long standing, relatively mature couple with healthy communication.
He's 34. She's 18-21 and relatively inexperienced. I'm betting she was too shocked to respond.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2012): 34 sorry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2012): person12345 does your boyfriend ask permission every time you do anything sexual or is consent implied? Did he literally sit there the last time you had sex and ask you for permission to penetrate you? I haven't once asked my girlfriend for sex and it would probably kill the mood if I did. I don't stop what I'm doing ask if I can stick it in, she'll just pre-empt me and push me back and say no if she doesn't consent. Well shit I must be a rapist then if asking for consent has to be done each time.
I don't ask my girlfriend, she knows what I want and we get it on. If I tried to insert into her anus and she didn't want that she'd stop me turn around and ask me what I thought I was doing, and not to do it but not at all consider it a sexual assault.
I'm not saying he was right, especially given his age, anal penetration is very much a thing you need to ask so his intentions in doing that are questionable and sorry OP but this doesn't sound like something all that innocent. he took a chance knowing you'd probably not like it and went ahead anyway. but his chance worked, and you went along with it, even when he gave you a chance to stop in the middle by asking if you were okay you didn't stop him.
OP you're right to be a bit worried, that was a forceful, disrespectful action from a man his age. You should have both stopped him and you should have asked him wtf he thought he was doing.
A guy your age with no experience I may put that down to watching too much porn and thinking it may be cool. A 32 year old forcefully anally penetrating you and hard aswell? It's not assault OP but it's a pretty nasty thing to do. Any guy who has done anal before knows how delicate it is, how easy it is to cause damage and yes, knows it's something you need to plan first. Your gut is accurate on this one OP.
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reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (18 November 2012):
This is really shocking. A 34 year old man (bringing up the age because he should know better!) just barging his penis in there without consent, prior discussion or preparation.
OP, if it was me I'd have either been so shocked as to say nothing (as you were, it seems) or I'd have run out of the room in tears.
And "vulnerable-ized"? WTF? He KNOWS what he did was shady to say the very least. It's not comparable to being kissed for the first time, having your nipples kissed or whatever. It's bloody painful, and just wrong for him to do that. It's not loving or passionate or whatever ... It's violent.
Ok so you couldn't say anything at the time, but you must say something to him now. It was totally, absolutely wrong. It's much more than being made 'vulnerable'.
I feel very, very uneasy about this. Honestly, what you experienced and the context in which it happened is NOT 'normal'.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (18 November 2012):
 "It's not sexual assault OP"
It is. This is not like "playing with someone's nipples" without asking first, it's penetration without consent. Having sex in one place does not mean it's OK to have sex in another. If a woman gives you permission to have vaginal intercourse you can't just pull it out and shove your penis down her throat or into her butt because she already consented to one type of sex.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 November 2012):
 Honestly OP that would not be OK with me AT ALL.
Sounds like he's been watching WAY too many porn.
You need to sit him down and talk about this. The thing is IT IS to say NO! during sex. If it is not pleasant to you and I can not imagine first time anal sex IS if he just JAMMED his dick in.
YOU need to be OK with saying no and meaning it.
HE knows what he did wasn't right. Other wise he wouldn't pull the .. I know you are feeling weird" on you. Trying to get you to say oh no all is fine and thus giving him a FREE pass to having violated your anus.
Talk honey. If you can't TALK about sex with your partner, you shouldn't HAVE sex.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 November 2012):
Cerberus with all due respect ONE glass of wine does not make for wild drunken sex. I've had anal sex enough to know that you don't accidentally slip in there... it takes a bit more effort than just popping back in the vagina.
OP did you not know he was entering your anus? could you not have said "HEY NOT THERE?"
could you have not said to him when he asked if you were ok "NO I"M NOT I DON'T like getting fucked up the ass without prior approval" (which we never get to at our house since the words "NO NOT THERE" are easily uttered when I'm not in the mood...
with all due respect to the very wise and wonderful Person12345, I don't think it was assault as he took your silence for acceptance of the act.
OFTEN men will TRY for anal without asking. I have NEVER EVER had a partner try to proceed if I questioned the entry point... but if I just let him, he'll keep going...
bottom line:
he should have asked FIRST then this would not even be an issue.
but since he did not ask first
IF YOU DID NOT want it you needed to say something when he tried and CERTAINLY when he asked if you were ok you should not have LIED....
in addition, he needs to always wear a condom for anal sex as he can get a NASTY e.coli. infection without one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2012): cerberus it is a bit different touching a woman's boobs compared to doing anal without askingits like having sex for the first time you dont just put in, you ask first because its such a big deal. You say she should tell him what the boundries are but to me and I have asked my boyfriend too and he agrees that this is ovbiously something he should know is over the linehowever, OP you should have told him to stop and that it was hurting, like you said you've been together a while you should feel comfortable to tell him but in my opinion he was wrong for doing it without asking in the first place
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerberus,Thank you for your thoughtful reply. We were tipsy and I think there was a lack of communication about it before hand. I still feel a little violated by the fact that he didn't ask me before hand... he's actually NOT young he is 34 years old and has had a lot of experience so he knew what he was doing.But I think you're right, I am going to talk to him but just needed some advice first on how to handle the conversation. It's not that I'm a doormat, quite the contrary. But when it comes to sex it's hard for me to know what is "Normal" and I think I was just really confused while it was happening. Thanks for your advice
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2012): "Why did he do that?"
Heat of the moment and because he didn't think you'd mind, thought he'd mix it up a little and surprize you. Which he probably still doesn't think because you've said nothing about it and just went along with it.
"Is this a sign that he doesn't respect me?"
No, you were both tipsy and having wild sex and he just slipped it in.
It's not sexual assault OP, you were having sex and if he crossed a boundary you should have stopped him, if you didn't like it you should have said so. He even asked if you were okay in the middle, I bet he would have gladly stopped if he thought you didn't like it.
Does he ask you if he could kiss you the first time, suck on your nipples the first time, grab your boob the first time? I doubt it, well to him this is the same thing, he just tried it in the heat of the moment, knowing that if you didn't want it you'd stop him.
"I explained that I hadn't done anal before and that I wish he had asked me first. He said I was right, and then we just moved on."
Well you seem to have sorted it. But you still have unanswered questions, so talk to him OP. I don't know many women who like anal, in my experience it's a big deal to even try so permission always has to be gotten before you try it and it takes a lot of care and attention during the attempt too. But this guy is young and I'm sure he meant nothing by it, probably saw it on porn and thinks it's somehow cool.
But here's the thing OP, if you don't like something you have to say so, if something hurts you have to stop him, if he crosses lines then he'll keep crossing them because you allow him to.
It's nothing to do with respect, he asked you if you were okay, he even offered to talk about it afterwards and he agreed that he should have asked first. Sound pretty respectful to me.
Talk to him but tell him everything you've told us, how it felt and what kind of effect it has had on you OP. He needs to know what he is and is not allowed to do, and he wants to know too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2012): i totally agree with person12345, its assualt if you didnt agree to it, my boyfriend and i have been together for over a year and if he did that to me i would feel very violated and know he doesnt respect me or my bodyno normal guy would do that, when me and my boyfriend have sex he is always gentle and asks me if hes going to do something, he always considers my feelings and my body and the same goes for me with himthe worst part is when he sensed that you were uncomfortable and didnt enjoy it he just carried on and didnt stop, he only considered his own pleasure and his own feelings and just thought by asking if your ok would make it all better
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi person12345,Thank you for your input. I think you're right, what he did was wrong and there was definitely a consent issue. I feel very mixed up because this is the man who tells me he loves me every day and sincerely means it. I know he is sincere because he proves it to me everyday by the other things he does for me... I just don't understand what really happened and can't stop thinking about it. I feel like it was a bad misunderstanding, but part of me wonders if he planned it to be that way or if he was just caught up in the moment
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reader, person12345 +, writes (18 November 2012):
You're feeling confused and upset because what just happened was sexual assault. He violated you. He has no respect for you, your boundaries, or your sexual autonomy. How do you think he would feel if you were having sex and you just randomly put a dildo up his butt without asking?
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