A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello! My boyfriend's friends these days are all singles! His other friends have all gone abroad or etc. This group he now drinks with on weekends are singles who go 'on the prowl' when they are out. I didn't think too much about it, but he told me the other day about how the lads moved from bar to bar looking for women and about how they talking about which girls to chat up. One of his friends in particular is a total player - he cheated on his ex endless times and is generally just a womaniser. I just hated hearing that he was there when they were just out 'hunting' for women. He said it was really funny to watch them and that he was just there for some fun with the lads. I guess I just feel arkward about the idea of him being out in bars chatting to women (the other ones) while his friends are kissing the rest or whatever/ or that they are all centred on looking around at women for the night / flirting etc.. I havent asked him not to go or done anything. I havent even said anything about it to him, but I am slightly uneasy about it. How would you feel? What would you say or do?Thanks so much!
View related questions:
flirt, his ex, kissing, player, womaniser Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): I suppose there are a lot of understanding women here, but I would not be thrilled or accepting of a committed man going to clubs and bars with men on a regular basis. Especially men, who are strictly looking to hook up with women. Alcohol, flirting and horny men does not sound like a good combo to me.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): Telling your boyfriend that he "can't go out with the boys" isn't really fair to him. If those are his only friends, you shouldn't be putting a limit on who he can see and when. Plus, telling him he can't will just make him want to do it even more. However, you should tell your boyfriend that it bothers you and see what he says. If he offers reassurance that he's just hanging out with friends and would never do anything, then you have to trust him. And if one day he did end up cheating on you, well then you deserve way better than that, and he's not the guy for you anyways.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): Chances are if hes telling you about it and not avoiding the subject than he is telling the truth. My fiance when he was my bf would go out with a few of his friends that were single and one that was in a committed relationship and would serve as a wingman as well. He would go to the clubs with them and said he only did it with his single friends. Which was true. His other friend that was taken and he never went to clubs unless their single friends went. If you are uncomfortable with it talk to him i talked to him about it when i became pregnant and he totally respected it.
...............................
A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (12 August 2011):
 Have you ever been out with a bunch of guys trying to get laid? He's not chatting up some woman while his mates are kissing, he's serving as home base at a table while all but one or two of the guys sit there trying to work up their courage. He's talking to his guy friends, not random girls.
At the very most, if he's the wingman, he's talking to fat girls so they won't interfere with his friends. If the interfering friend was pretty, one of the single guys would take the job. Going out to pick up chicks is fun for the guys doing it, but it would be pretty dull to watch.
That said, your feelings are valid, and being uncomfortable with this does not make you a bad person or a bad girlfriend. The player might be a bad influence - infidelity is contagious, and in your shoes, I wouldn't be happy if my girlfriend was out and about with a friend who cheats. On the other hand, cheaters are so common it's hard not to associate with any.
Talk to him - just tell him that you value his freedom but need a little comforting. Don't try to convince him not to go out, just make him aware of your feelings. He won't stop going out, but he might pay you a little more attention some other times, and hopefully that will sooth your feelings a bit.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks,
Yeah, I see the logic.
I guess I just feel uneasy that when hes out he could be potentially chatting to lovely women and having a great time with them, all the while seeing his single mates have a great time meeting new women.
I suppose I'm worried his friends (being cheaters by their very nature) could influence him, or that drink could affect his judgement, especially if these women are already there for the taking (potentially) and that overall, he would be putting himself in a position where cheating is far more likely.
(Background:
He came home from a few drinks after work recently, and we ended up having a fight over something mundane. He went to bed early, and a few days later I found out he'd been surfing porn on his computer (- I went to find an old link and saw all the porn sites). I asked him about it causally and he was really ashamed. He said he was looking it all up because he was really annoyed at me and as he had happended to feel horny from having a few drinks. I said I didnt feel too safe in our relationship knowing he that if he was annoyed at me and horny he would not try make up with me, but instead look elsewhere, and he said that he was sorry. That he needs me to remind him not to do 'shit like this'. I mean, it was like he was saying he expects me to check our computer and then tell him he's done wrong or something?! I wouldn't be up for that.)
Does this give me added cause for concern do you think?
Thanks
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): It sounds like your boyfriend is a 'wingman.' Like your boyfriend and his friends, women tend to go out to bars in groups, too. Your boyfriend's job is to entertain the other girls' friends by talking to them, while his friends chat up the girls they are interested in. The fact that he's open to you about it, to me, means he isn't interested in the women he is assigned to talk to. If he was, I doubt he'd be so open about it.
Unless this becomes something he uses to blow you off with or if he starts talking about one specific woman a lot, you don't have much to worry about. My fiance has been the 'wingman' for his friends numerous times. When his friends are ready to move on to a different bar or realize they're not that into the girl they thought they'd like, he tells the girl he was talking to that it was nice to meet her and keeps hanging out with his friends.
...............................
|
