A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I've been with my bf for four years now. He expects me to go to bed in a g string and push up bra everynight at least. He also becomes angry and frustrated if you doesn't either get a hand job or hand job at least. My libido is very low as there was a lot of pressure to perform sex every night even if I didn't feel like it which has deterred me altogether. He still watches porn everyday. Should I be trying harder to please him or is he just have insane expectations?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): I have been married 10 years and now about to get divorced because of this exact same issue. there's only so much you can endure for so long before you start to hate sex with your partner because it's a source of anxiety and your own humiliation. the anxiety comes from having to do it against your will (which makes you feel demeaned but you just have to bury that feeling and do it anyway to keep the peace) and fearing or dreading his angry outbursts if you refuse or are not up to par. your life becomes a constant choosing between being demeaned/degraded or being afraid. then see how toxic the relationship becomes once you really hate sex with him so much you literally can't do it anymore without breaking down into an anxiety attack. Already you feel uncomfortable going to bed. this is a red flag. Soon you will feel uncomfortable just being in the bed room with him around bed time because you know this is going to lead to you know what....I remember wishing desperately why couldn't my husband go on more business trips so I can sleep in my own bed without feeling this constant dread or fear in the back of my head.You think he gets angry now? wait til you hate sex with him so much you couldn't even do it to save your life or country. then he'll either become abusive or cheat on you to get his needs met.(he did cheat on me when I stopped being able to have sex with him.. then I cheated on him too and found I was VERY able to have sex with my affair partner in fact I actually have a very high sex drive just not at all with my husband because he triggers in me gut feelings of fear and anxiety and degradation.)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): He's not only having outrageous expectations, but he's being a douche bag in the process. Nobody has the right to get upset, especially angry, about not having sex. Why should you be forced into something you don't want to do? He should have more respect for you than that, and if he doesn't, he doesn't respect you and doesn't deserve you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): It doesn't sound like her cares about you as much as he wants something from you. "Requiring" you to do anything sexually or else getting angry is a deal breaker to me. It sounds like his sexual intelligence is near 0. Push up bra and g string to bed? Come on dude, come back to reality. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): Thankyou for all of your posts. I have never been in any other long term relationship apart from the one I'm in so I wasn't sure if it was normal for a man to have those needs. He has never had sex with anyone until he was 22 (me) and only started masterbating at 18... I don't know if his crazy sex ideas are because his such a late bloomer and only watched opened for years? All I know is that I hate going to bed because it's the mist unformtable n stressful part of my day, so I told him how I felt his response was promising telling me how he could see where I was coming from, the next day however he questioned 'what about me' 'im going to explode without any release'. I told him to get himself off but he said I shouldn't need to when i have a perfectly good looking gf to go to bed with. I eventually gave in n started to dress up again to keep the peace pathetic right?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): I don't think he loves you so I would try to find someone else who you can have a good relationship with.
"Sex is an exchange" This is so true. Why would you want to have this awful relationship? You should enjoy sex, not be bullied this way.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): If he gets angry in bed just because he isn't getting what he wants, he is not worth the trouble.
Sex is an exchange, not something he can have on demand and specify all the details of.
Perhaps it's the porn rubbing off on him, but he doesn't sound ready for a sexual relationship with a human being.
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (5 February 2011):
See if you can come to a compromise. For example, save the underwear wearing in bed until weekends (sticking to presumably pj's during the week) or even just on occasions when you go out, or do something together that puts you more in the mood for something physical to happen.
About the blowjobs, again there must be a compromise. You are not doing anything wrong by telling him that everynight is just too much and it makes sexual intimacy a chore. I'm sure you want to make him happy, but tell him you feel under pressure and it's causing a problem in the relationship. If this guy cares about you, he will be open to the idea of talking about these two issues and coming to a compromise where you are both happy.
Maybe there is also more that HE can do in the relationship as well?
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (5 February 2011):
Don't let him pressure you to have sex against your will. this is setting you up for a pattern of having to do it more and more - after all if you gave in to his demands yesterday, so why not today too? and so on. Of course he keeps pressuring you - pressuring you works to get him what he wants so of course he'll keep doing it.
By getting angry and frustrated if you don't give him sex every day or whenever he wants, he could either be emotionally blackmailing you so he can get what he wants (because you want to avoid his anger and keep the peace). Or he could be selfish to the point that he doesn't care how you feel thus his anger is not an attempt to manipulate you it's an expression of his entitled attitude. Or maybe it's both.
the point is you should not try even harder to please him, you should stand up for yourself. The more often you have non-consensual sex, because of pressure and wanting to avoid his anger, the more unpleasant it will become for you. Taken to its logical conclusion, you may eventually get completely turned off to your boyfriend and hate having sex with him and never be in the mood with him because you just associate sex with him as a source of conflict and anger. You start to associate sex with him as an ugly thing. Then finally you will stop doing it because you hate it too much. Then he will get upset and feel rejected and blame you for it and try to make you feel guilty. This is complete opposite of what sex in a relationship should be. It should be a bonding experience and a source of pleasure, not a thing that drives you apart and makes you resent each other.
So no, don't try even harder to please him. stop giving into him now so that you don't start to dislike sex even more than you already do.
Then you really need to have a serious talk with him and explain to him how you feel. maybe he's just unaware of how unpleasant it is to you because you've been giving into his pressure. Maybe he thinks that since you did eventually agree to it each and every time then this must mean you're fine with it. You need to stand up for yourself.
but if he persists in his demands then he's being selfish and disregarding your feelings and placing his desire for you to satisfy him (after all he could satisfy himself too) above your need to not endure aversive feelings. If he blatantly doesn't care how you feel and only cares that he gets what he wants from you, then you may want to consider if this is someone you should be with.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (5 February 2011):
Are you sure you should be with this guy. It doesn't really sound like he loves you all that much.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 February 2011):
 He has insane and unacceptable expectations. But the lack of respect is what is most present here. Men are not supposed to ever expect sex, or expect that we dress up, they are supposed to love us for how we naturally look. If your man can't do that then he's not a good boyfriend to you. It's not unusual to get sex every day, if thats what you both wanted it'd be fine! But when you don't feel like it then he needs to RESPECT that. Which he doesn't. And you've allowed this to happen to yourself for 4 years. You alone are responsible for teaching him that this sort of behaviour is acceptable.
And of course it is utterly stupid to expect you to go to bed in a push up bra and g-string everynight. Next time you feel like sleeping in your mommy-panties and comfortable sleeping wear, do so. If he mopes, let him mope. Either he accepts you how you are, or he can leave.
Really, he's not worth it if he pressures you into sex, and controls what you are allowed to wear. And on top of it whines like a spoiled brat if he can't get it his way. Do you whine like a brat whenever you don't get it your way? Do you mope and complain whenever you go to bed in a push-up bra? Do you mope and complain and make a big whuzz everytime he asks for a handjob or sex? No? Maybe it's time to show him how he acts.
You are young. You can definitely find better. All I can say is that I am sorry for whatever girlfriend this man ends up with, be that you or someone else, because you have taught him now over the last years that not respecting women is O.K.
It will take you years if not a life time to set him straight. But it starts with you actually meaning it and wanting it. Screw trying to please him more, for 4 years you've been his little sex slave. Stop putting yourself down and say no when you mean no. And stick to it as well. If he doesn't respect that then he can leave.
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