A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Basically, my boyfriend lies about looking at other girls. I've always known that men, even in a committed relationship, look at other women. Obviously I know some do it more than others and for some there's just glance. My boyfriend claims he doesn't do it. He says he still has the ability to see women and judge whether they are attractive but that's it. He barely notices unless someone points a specific person out. He tells me that he can still find other girls hot or sexy if he were to check them out rather than just automatically judge their level of attractiveness if he wanted, but he naturally doesn't care about the waitress that's serving us or the girl walking down the street in front of us.I personally do the same as him. I can happen to see a guy on the street and judge whether he is attractive or unattractive, automatically within seconds. It's as if my brain does it automatically. I can't say I've ever looked another man up and down and thought of him in a sexual nature - I know it sounds crazy to everyone I've said this to!I've been lead to believe that all guys look and think about having sex with every other hot girl they see and, I'll admit it does hurt to think about the fact that he does it but I can accept it if he only was honest with me about it. I can understand he may feel a little awkward or embarrassed or even guilty telling me but it's the fact that he's lying about it that makes me feel worse. If he was honest, at least I know he respects me enough to tell me the truth. He is known for his little white lies but they're just lies like 'yeah I put the washing out' . I am 90% sure I've caught him doing it on 2 occasions (not that I'm looking at him every time another girls walks by lol) although I can't be 100% certain I'm pretty confident in te fact. He denies it and claims that if he did he doesn't even realise he's doing it. Which I can understand because people have called me out for it and I've not realised I'm doing it as I'm not even concentrating on the guy, my eyes just must do it sometimes lol. But it's hard for me to believe. He's a guy ALL guys oogle and check out other women, right? I don't like to stereotype but I have enough guy friends to tell me that he's lying and that all guys do it.He also says he doesn't look at porn anymore as he finds it cringey and stupid but that's another question for another day. I just don't think it's possible to have a boyfriend that doesn't do either of them so just reinforces my belief that he's lying! 1) do I confront him (again) or do I just accept the fact that he's probably lying? If so, how do I do that since it's the lie rather than the act act that hurts most? I can't seem to move on from the fact he's potentially lying! 2) say he isn't lying, is it even possible?
View related questions:
move on, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay I KNOW I over think this. It's not something I enjoy thinking about and I'm not intentionally setting him up for failure. Would I dislike it if he told me the truth? Probably, for a bit. But It's something that I will get over because I'll take comfort in the fact that he respects me enough to tell me the truth. I guess I'm just sick of being made of fun of and laughed at when I tell people that he says this by others, being called naive and stupid etc. I guess I just want to take comfort in the fact that it's possible he might be telling the truth.I understand everyone notices attractive people, I can judge whether someone else is attractive or not but I really don't care enough to notice other men and check them out. People notice people in general. In fact I'm pretty sure i stated that he told me that he can judge whether people are attractive or not but he doesn't 'check them out' or think of them in sexual way or even really pays attention. But that was only when he asked me if I do and he said he's the same.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2014): He could be telling the truth there can't be that many pathetic w***ers in the world.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 August 2014):
 YOU are looking for things to use as ammo.
If he tells you he DOES look at other girls, you';d freak out and think he will cheat or... find other girls prettier...
If he tells you he DOESN'T really pay attention to other girls, he MUST be lying.
It's a lose/lose situation you are setting up for your BF, and it's unfair.
Why do you NEED to confront him on this NON-issue (or should I call it YOUR issue)?
What me might ACTUALLY mean is he isn't LOOKING at woman as potential bedmates or partners. I think that is true. I have EYES and I SEE handsome fellas out there, but I NOTICE a nice as or handsome face, but that is the extend. And that.. if human nature.
I really don't see what your problem is. But whatever it is IT IS YOUR problem. YOUR insecurity. YOU ought to work on that.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 August 2014):
This is the biggest non issue I've ever heard of. He has eyes and they function properly. So he looks at women, men, cats and dogs. Don't get upset about what you imagine he's imagining.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2014): We all notice attractive people. Don't overthink this, which is what you seem to be doing but I do understand, when I was much younger I did the same. If you are happy with your boyfriend and feel loved and respected and he does not blatantly ogle others in front of you, rubberneck, stop in the street to get better second look or track other women with his eyes with SAS-like precision, then he is a respectful man. All men notice other women and all women notice other men if we are honest with ourselves. The difference is what is he doing while he is with you, how does he treat you generally, is he respectful, if he DOES see someone attractive does he simply notice or is he leering and salivating. A man who leers and ogles is not to be trusted. There's a difference. Don't be hard on him and try to relax, he sounds like a good guy!
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 August 2014):
 I was hopelessly in love with a girl, once.... and SHE told ME that I was gawking at - and lusting over - other women. I asked her what did she expect me to do???? She said, (approximately), point your eyes down and don't make eye contact with any other woman.....
You know what that is???? It's impolite. I told her so... then dumped her....
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, Sweet Dreamer xxx +, writes (27 August 2014):
 Instead of believing that he his lying why don't you just give him the benefit of the doubt?
Okay men do look at other women and watch porn, but not ALL men. You seem to be worrying about nothing here, if he is lying he is probably worried about your reaction or even hurting your feelings. Have you considered this?
If your doubting him and getting into arguments over this instead of just taking his word then you'll end up putting strain on the relationship which will eventually involve you losing him.
Please don't stress, he obviously has your feelings taken into account. If my partner said to me that he didn't look at girls at all, it would make me feel loved and that I was the apple of his eye!
Good luck
Sweet Dreamer xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 August 2014):
 You're setting him up for failure here, OP. If you browbeat him into saying "ok yes, occasionally I do notice a really attractive woman" you will be watching him like a hawk to catch him out on it.
If he persists in trying to protect that fragile ego, you are going continue watching him like a hawk to catch him out on it.
He's in a no-win situation.
How about you stop asking the question and stop worrying about it? Have you tried that? Or do you have some sort of visceral need to be RIGHT and call him out in a LIE and make him out to be the bad guy?
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 August 2014):
"Do these pants make me look fat?"
"Are you thinking about me and only me during sex?"
"Do you think that I am the most beautiful woman in the world?"
"Would it bother you if my Mum came to stay for 2 weeks? She can help out by cooking and keeping us company!"
"Isn't my BFF Jill just the most fab person EVER?"
He's not LYING to you, he's trying to avoid having you blasted between the eyes by the absolute truth. He's protecting your obviously fragile ego.
Why on earth would you fight about what he says he thinks? You are trying to police his thoughts and honestly are setting him up for failure.
As the questions I listed above may suggest, if a man told his absolute truth to his woman every single day, we would be buried in the ashes of extinguished relationships.
You sound a bit OCD on this, why is it that you feel the need to be 'right' about whether or not he might glance at a woman and find her attractive?
...............................
|
