A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together near two years, both early thirties, known each other since we were fifteen. I have been married and divorced twice and have two children and cannot have any more, he does not want children of his own. We have lived together for a year, and I can honestly say that he is the love of my life, the ONE if you will. Our relationship is incredible, we rarely fight, great sex life. So what is the problem?When we first got together, he made it clear that he didn't believe in marriage, after seeing his parents' marriage fall apart after years of abuse. He does not want to be like his father. At the time, that was fine with me, after going through two disastrous marriages and divorces. My SO has never had a serious relationship before me, never had one lasting more than six months, never lived with a partner before. I believe that I am the ONE for him as well, not only because of those things, but also because he is constantly discussing our future, what we are going to do when we retire, what we are going to do when we are "old" together, etc. The one thing he has never mentioned, though, is marriage. As I stated earlier, that was fine with me at the beginning, as I didn't want to marry again, either. My view has changed, though. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I also want the security and commitment of marriage though.However, I don't want to push him into it. I don't want him to feel like he "has" to, I want him to marry me because he wants to. For these reasons, I won't ask him to marry me, nor will I drop unconcealed hints about rings, etc.Because it is me that has changed, am I forced to let go my dream of marrying him? Even if we never marry, that will not change our relationship. If I must, I will stay with him as we are, I would NEVER give an ultimatum, as much as I WANT him to marry me. Is there anything I can do to change his mind?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011): I am the original poster. Ironically enough, tonight, whilst we were discussing other matters, such as me spending 4$ on a cheap fake diamond solitaire, my boyfriend states, "Really? You bought a cheap, fakey-fake ring? Um, how about I buy you a REAL one." And there we have it. Apparently I did SOMETHING to change his mind! :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2011): I hope this helps, after seeing my parents awful marriage and they were abusive I can appreciate how your partner feels and I am a similar age to you both, I can also acknowledge how you must be feeling as a woman. Anyway I have come to understand and believe that marriage is a serious commitment and that it doesn't actually work if God is not involved.
Whether that just means a belief for God by both parties or something more like regularly praying and making God part of your life. Marriage isn't actually about the practical things alone. Strange how society doesn't reflect on this and we either remain ignorant or try and figure this out for ourselves. All the best of luck for your future - happy you have found the 'one'!
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A
male
reader, latinoheat  +, writes (10 May 2011):
First off you know how he felt about the marriage situation when you got with him. This is what ill never understand about women. You tell them how you feel in the begining then it comes back to bite you in the rear. Do not I repeat do not preasure this guy. Look at it through his eyes. He obviously was tramatized when he was younger watching his parents go through it. It sounds like yall are already married. I understand the wanting the big wedding and family present. If he loves you he will marry you one day. Dont push him though thats the wrong thing to do. Good luck
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (10 May 2011):
 There isn't much you can do, his mind would have been set. I suppose over time, he might grow to see things differently but right now, it isn't much of a problem is it? You two seem practically married anyway. I get why you'd want the actual ceremony, I get why you'd want the ring on your finger but not everyone believes that marriage will make a difference and there's nothing wrong with that. You see things from his point of view and hopefully he sees yours and that is worth everything.
One day he might change his mind or he might not, its possible, but for now, just indulge yourself in how happy you two are together.
I hope that helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2011): You want the security and commitment of marriage? Yet how secure and committed were your two previous marriages? Not very, if you were divorced. (I don't mean to sound harsh, just trying to point out a fact here.)
He has made it clear he isn't interested in marriage. He's also made it clear that he is quite committed to you if he's talking about your future together, upcoming retirement, etc.
I think you're finally in a great relationship. You're almost wholly happy with this man, so just let things be happy and wonderful. Rings and signatures on a piece of paper don't necessarily mean a thing.
If you're really wanted to feel a strong "commitment" but he's against official "marriage," why not have a small commitment ceremony, in which you two declare your love for one another, and perhaps exchange a token of love (not necessarily rings...get creative!).
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