A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 2 years and I have been talking about marriage. Please note that I am a grown woman with a degree, a job, my own home, car, pay all of my own bills, am completely self-supprting. I am generous in relationships in general with my resources and my time. Not just with him, but with my female friends, as well. I am much more a giver than a taker. I believe in marriage before living together. He has never felt that way, but he says he respects my feelings and beliefs on the issue. I would like to start moving things along. Looking at houses together, contacting a contractor to see about renovating one of our homes, cleaning out and preparing my home for sale...things like that...just to get things moving in the directions we've talked about. Last night while having one of these conversations (over the phone as we live 40 minutes away, his kids had friends over so we don't spend the night together on those nights, long drive, animals to take care of etc.) he told me that I just wanted a ring as a trophy. A TROPHY! I shouldn't be shocked. Whenever we have these conversations he gets very angry and yells to the point where I cry. He often has threatened to "just buy a ring and throw it at you across the table"! Who says that? Before anyone says it...I am not pushy. I love him and want to be with him. We are in our 40's. We have the money. He's moved for other women in the past. Kooky women, in my opinion. But now it's like he's been burned by the kooks so much that he's going to hang back with me...and I am most certainly not a kook. What should I do?
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 January 2013):
 IF he is not fulfilling your needs you leave.
You say you love him... do you love that he threatens you with throwing a ring at you just to appease you
do you love that he makes you question what to do?
do you love that you feel the need to push him along?
what exactly do you love about this man who clearly is not on the same page you are?
are you willing to put up with his resentment and anger at not getting his way?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): I feel that you are too good for him. Move on, he's clearly a child!
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 January 2013):
 Your boyfriend is now the kook. Don't get burned by his abuse and stinginess.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 January 2013):
 Let's focus on your "real" question, which you've put like this: " But now it's like he's been burned by the kooks so much that he's going to hang back with me...and I am most certainly not a kook. What should I do?"
You have described a guy who is desparately trying to have total control of what happens between the two of you. The KEY was "...cleaning out and preparing my home for sale...things like that...".
IF you go along with this (selling your house and moving to his...) THEN you will have ceded ALL of your "power" to him.... and - by what you've submitted herein - I predict that he will abuse that power.....
IN an "equal" relationship, the two parties get rid of BOTH of their addresses and move to a separate, third (new) address, which address is "theirs".....
The "ring thing" is his childish reaction to your behaving as an adult who has - apparently - begun to discern what he is up to.....
If you were my Sister, I'd tell you to proceed no further with this guy until/unless YOU felt a lot more confident that he REALLY wanted to be an EQUAL partner with you....
Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 January 2013):
 Probably, you should accept that "respecting " your views about not living together before marriage does not mean embracing them, and does not mean you'll be able to make him change his mind and propose to you.
I think that maybe the problem is that you are trying to move thing along...in a direction that he does not particularly like.
If he gets so upset, abusive in fact, just talking about engagement and engagements rings, he does not sound much in love with the idea of getting married again. Not anytime soon, at least. But if you will not live with him before getting married, then, from his point of view , what's the point of looking at houses and contacting contractors etc ..?
...............................
|
