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age
30-35,
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writes: my bf of over a year just can not get past my previous relationships. what can we do? I love this man he is my everything (and his love is mutual). i had a hard life when i was younger and made so many mistakes that i will regret for the rest of my life. he knows everything about me, im hoping we will become married as planned and thats why i have told him everything about my past form the moment i met him, i can not keep a secret from him. he has become a part of me now and he and i are too selfish to even think about letting eachother go. we talk about my past at least 1 or 2 times a week and he becomes so upset and i become so upset but i just dont know how to confort him. i tell him he is my life my everything that if i could do everything over he would be the one i would start and end my life with. (i am also his first girlfriend) dispite all obsticals that we have(including this being a ldr living in diffrent countries) this one seems to be the biggest. im looking for a solution. i have even considering letting him sleep with another woman. you do not know how desprate we both are for some advise. because we feel we will be together no matter what even if he cant get over this. but i love him so much i dont want to hurt him forever. were willing to work together no matter what. what can we both do to help him get past this? because we love eachother and know that were made for eachother and so lucky to find eachother to begin with. can you please help us? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): Before you take a big step and move, I feel itd be very important to resolve this first. What if you move and things worsen? What if they dont improve? This seems to be a big strain on the relationship and hence possibly putting it in jeaopardy if it cannot be resolved.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): so your looking for advise on how to fix things? i can see that breaking up is not an option for you. i am glad there are couples still like yours in the world u must truly be in love. for some reason people think giving up and throwing away love is an option they don't understand that giving up isn't an option when it comes to true love. but as for your problem. i have not been in this situation, and even if i was i am not sure how i would handle it but you two working together to fix this to make your relationship better is a great start. i wish you all the luck and happiness in the world
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionim not posting this because its my problem and its something i cant get past. the problem is that for me yes i regret those things but he is the person who keeps bringing them up. i have totally forgotten about those people the things that have happened and everything until he asked me in depth questions about the things which only upset him. i am not living in the past. everything between us other wise is absolutely amazing even in the bed room. he and i are currently making plans for me to relocate so that he and i can have more time together and hope that it will fix the re occurring issue perhaps we just need our time together any thought?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): The solution is simple but it's hard to do if you know what I mean. How do you expect him to move past it if you are still living in the past?
Look most of us had hard lives growing up and all of us have made mistakes in our past, huge mistakes but we don't dwell on them nor regret them. The reason you are dwelling on them is because you have no present, nothing is happening in your life now because you're in an LDR with a guy from a different country, your relationship is not moving forward, nothing is happening, you're not getting any closer so all you have is the past to focus on because you can't make any future plans because you have no security. That's what happens with LDR's, he's not there to create fresh new beautiful experiences and you always end up talking about your past. What's the point in that?
If you have unresolved issues in your past then deal with them yourself he can't do that for you, through counseling or changing something in the present, you can't change the past you can only learn the lessons and move on. So just do that.
You don't say what these issues are but you obviously put far too much importance on them. Really what's the point? It's not making you happy, you're stuck there feeling like shit and regretting things that you can't go back and undo, again what's the point in that?
Forget about him getting past it, he will when you do. You're focusing on the wrong person, it only effects him because you hold these events so dear to you still, you still let them control your life too much. We all make bad choices, we all make mistakes but the people that are successful in life dust themselves off, learn the lessons of those and don't repeat them. The people that struggle are the people that put too much importance on their past, it's now that matters and while they're there dwelling on what might have happened, lonely and depressed life is passing them by. Start making new fresh memories and as far as you LDR goes they don't work, sorry to tell you but if you can't physically sit there and hold him, have sex, look into his eyes in person and hear his voice whisper into your ear then you can love him all you want, the relationship will just not progress any further. You can't build a long lasting relationship without physical closeness, you can spend years at it but all it is, is talk and unfulfilled plans.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011):
You need to look up "retroactive jealousy" because that is where the discussions of this topic are. His problem is COMPLETELY normal even though many people think it is not.
Either your boyfriend learns to deal with it or he does not. There is no way to change anything. Don't expect him to ever stop feeling bad about the subject. He can only try to deal with those feelings in a better way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): Lots of emotion involved here and that can lead to bad decision making. Dont let any emotion drive ur thoughts in any way. It will cloud ur judgment and also his.
Firstly, any disclosure of past should be done before feelings are developed, that way risk of resentment or jealousy is less likely to take place. My guess and inference is that he's jealous of other men youve been with. Well, sleeping with another woman wont solve that cause he'll be thinking of you and the whole thing will be turmoil.
This is clearly his issue. Not yours. However, you can help him and to help him he needs reassurance that the future is with him and that the past led you to him and youre thankful for whatever youd been thru cause if you hadnt gone thru the things you did, you wouldnt have ended up with him. Thatll help him focus on the big picture. All the best.
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