A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for a few years but have only recently lived together. Up until lately we have been doing very well 99% of the time. We have strong feelings for each other and are an ideal couple. I am 28 and he is a few years younger than me but the gap makes no difference at all. The only issue is that he struggles to express his emotions and needs prompting for responses and actions. I am patient with him but there have been times when I just needed him to speak up and/or do things without being told. I have talked to him about this on many many occasions. Everytime we do we are brilliant again for the first few days and then the issue happens again. And the cycle repeats. On the other hand when things happen I respond well and he feels supported and loved. It wasn't until the last month that I felt I have had enough. I told him I would leave if he doesn't change this time. I am willing to help him too. He assures me that we will come out perfect. However I am up to the point where I am always expecting him to disappoint me and he is not as attractive to me as before. I am very worried that no matter how hard he tries to make it up these feelings of constant disappointment and anger will affect us and we may as well be apart instead. I cannot bear the thought of being without him. He has brought out the best in me, and I in him. We have been through so much and I really want us to work. Please help!!!!!!! Thank you. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 February 2014):
 OP you said “there have been times when I just needed him to speak up and/or do things without being told.”
Really? Why?
Why can’t he always require this prompting? I do.
I have ADHD and unless I have been taught in the EXACT situation how to respond, I cannot respond to a new (similar) situation as I am unable to see how they are similar. It’s not that I’m doing it on purpose, it’s how my brain works.
IF you need/want him to respond to something then you need to tell him what it is. IF it’s the exact same thing over and over, then he’s either got a problem with memory or he’s being Passive Aggressive and doing it on purpose.
And it is NOT going to get better. If you think commitment or marriage will fix it you are wrong.
YOU told him you will leave if he doesn’t change this time. So are your bags packed and ready? Has he done the same thing already that you told him you would leave if he did or did not do this thing? And are you actually prepared to leave when it does or does not occur? IF NOT, then you must retract your statement ASAP or you risk losing any and all power you have. Once a person makes a threat that they will carry out when a behavior does or does not occur, they must do what they said they would or else they no longer have any respect or power in the relationship.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (24 February 2014):
 You've provided very little real information to go on here.
What is it you need him to speak up about in particular? 'His emotions' is rather vague. Is he supposed to discuss his feelings about everything on a regular basis or just the big stuff? And what specifically is it you need him to do?
Do you have an example that might give us a clearer picture of what's going on?
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A
male
reader, devont +, writes (23 February 2014):
 Firstly... he is not going to change. Because you have asked him to change and he hasn't. And you've also not followed through on your threat to leave him. So in his eyes, he can do what he wants and get away with it. I say 'get away with it' ...from reading your post, I'm not 100% on what it is he is doing wrong. Do you want to be with him? If you do, truly and honestly, and you know in your heart you are supposed to be together, then you need to accept him and either be content with prompting him or just leave him to it... To me, it looks like your relationship has reached its expiry date and you're just too comfortable to move on. You need to think carefully about your relationship, do you want to stay with him exactly as he is? If the answer is no... then maybe you should think about moving on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2014): Since you aren't strong enough to say it yourself, I'll say it for you.
You've outgrown your boyfriend and you are tired of propping him up. He has no ambition and looks to you to handle the big stuff. He's a bit of a slacker and you don't want to admit it, because it breaks your heart. You're tired.
It's time to let him go. He needs time to grow up without your mothering him. You want a man who is mature, responsible, and has self-confidence.
Let him go and let him find his own way. Stop telling yourself how great things are and have been. If they were 99% okay, you wouldn't have written us.
Go find yourself a grown man and stop being this kid's mother. The gap is making a difference. Stop deluding yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2014): Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time.
Your boyfriend is who he is, who he has always been, and who he always will be.
It is unreasonable and unfair of you to expect him to magically change into an idealized version of the person you want him to be, just as it would be unreasonable and unfair of him to expect you to magically change into someone less emotional and less needy and less demanding. He fell in love with you warts and all, and he deserves the same courtesy in return.
". . . And the cycle repeats. . . I told him I would leave if he doesn't change this time."
If you are willing to dismiss his many admirable qualities in order to focus on what you perceive as shortcomings that render him less than perfect (as we all are), then you need to be prepared to follow through on your ultimatum because "this time" ultimately isn't going to be any different than last time or the time before that or the time before the time before that or the time before the time before the time before that or the time before . . .(see first sentence)
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (23 February 2014):
Don't hint. Tell him. And tell him in a way a man will understand. Mo-etionally (sho-emoly?)(Mo-shun-e-ally?) we are simple creatures without a woman's rich...E-MO-SHUN-AL!! tapestry. I'm afraid the age gap IS a bit of a problem as although men do not remain babies all their lives, it takes us until around 40 until we are mature enough to become boys. On a more serious note there IS a big emotional gap between the average 28 year old woman and the average 25 year old 'man'. It's not that he struggles to express emotions, he just doesn't have all of yours. Emotionally a woman is a fully-featured color flat-screen, straight men are a black and white CRT television with rabbit- ears antenna and no cable. It's an adjustment couples have to make, and truth to tell since he has no true idea of the problem and never will, the onus of compromise and understanding has to come from you if you feel it's worth it. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (23 February 2014):
Sounds like you are trying to get him to change something that's a pretty basic part of his nature.
This never works.
I do agree with you that your constant feelings of disappointment won't change, and it can't feel too good from his end either. It may indeed be time to move on.
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