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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I hate my body, I don't know why, I just never feel adequate or beautiful, hot, sexy, whatever. I mean, a lot of it has to do with my face and hair, too. The two things that I can really do NOTHING about! But other than that I hate my small breasts, my huge hips and the cellulite on my thighs. I just can't seem to find my body good looking. Even though I have a healthy BMI, and even though I have a small waist, the size of my thighs and hips makes me feel fat all the time. Especially because of my small breasts which just look so disproportionate.I recently broke up with my ex boyfriend. He's been talking to me, and he brought up the topic of my insecurity. He knows I'm dead insecure, and I told him for that reason alone I wouldn't mind being single forever. He got pissed, he told me to grow up and accept that guys think other women are pretty, masturbate to porn, etc. I asked him why did he care if it's just my decision, it doesn't affect him anymore and that basically it's none of his business. He just got pissed and insulted me, telling me I was bitter, that he felt sorry for me and that he'd laugh at me one day when I'm old, ugly and lonely, only with a few cats to keep me company. Fine I said, I adore cats so bring them on, I really am a cat person and now I don't even think of having children (so cats would be a good option), but internally I was devastated by his words.I don't see what's wrong with wanting to be single forever, it's a lifestyle, life isn't only about finding love and having children. I have a very promising future in my field, if I say so myself, and I can find happiness in that, too. We didn't even break up because of my insecurity, we did, in fact, because he was too jealous of my past.But the thing is I hate my body and he made me feel like I'm a bitter, awful woman because of that. That the world is how it is and men are how they are and that nothing will change that so I should accommodate. But I don't want to so I want to stay single, I choose to, is that SO bad? Well, he's always been a bit chauvinist, though.I know being insecure is wrong, but it goes beyond me that even therapy hasn't worked, "The Secret" hasn't worked. I don't like feeling this way, but I can't help it. I didn't choose my genes, and society constantly putting perfect women on display makes it all so much more difficult. I mean, look at men's magazines on newsstands, men's shows, men's porn, men's action movies... but if only it were just that... no, it's not, look at WOMEN'S magazines! Women's shows, movies, erotica... they all portray perfect women: big tits, small waist, smallish hips, thin thighs, no cellulite.And personally, I hate feeling second best to these women. I was born insecure. It didn't help that my ex would make random comments about the hotness of actresses knowing well that I was insecure. It wasn't good that he was that frank that he'd tell me big boobs were hotter. It didn't help he'd add girls on Facebook just because they were hot. And now he blames ME and ME ALONE for feeling and being this way. he called me sick, mentally ill. I guess he feels entitled to, since he's a therapist and he can diagnose. Who am I to argue with a psychologist?I don't know what to do. His comments affected me a lot. Personally, I feel that I'd be happier and less distressed being single forever. Even if I constantly get down about my ugly looks, at least I wouldn't feel second best for my partner. What is choosing this lifestyle of single hood so unpopular? Especially with women, they all give me that look that I am actually demented when I mention it. The expression in their faces is so funny, really. And why is my ex even concerned? Happiness is not just in mating, having kids, getting married... people can give you so many other joys: friendship, for one. Gee, I could adopt if I wanted kids eventually, nothing wrong with being a single mom. I just don't think I work as a girlfriend, let alone as a wife. What's wrong with that? I'm insecure, I have a problem and accept it. I choose to live my life a certain way, I'm not afraid of being single. I already loved once, at least I knew the feeling. I don't think I'll hurt anyone if I choose this lifestyle.I don't know what to do about my body hatred, and now I feel really bad that apparently I'm mentally ill. I was so happy about my choice until he opened his big mouth!
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boobs, breasts, broke up, facebook, insecure, jealous, my ex, porn Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (25 June 2010):
 Reread your answer again.. so because of one man, your ex, who behaved badly, your going to stay single, reject love, never have sex or kisses and cuddles..
mmmm... he goes on to marry, have kids, and fall in love with another average woman.. and you get what... lonliness for life...
ah, well, that's how you feel right now, these feelings should pass when you fall in love again. Your feeling angry at one man, deciding to hate the world and yourself..
But you need to try to work on your insecurity.. the world will not change for you, no matter how angry you get or how much it disappoints you. When you start loving yourself and feel gratefull for being alive, when you realise how beautiful you are, and not looking for the world and other people to provide you with validation.. Then your life will change for the better, and you'll find confidence, happiness and peace at last...
I wish that for you.. yep, I may be an ugly fat bitch, but you know what, I love meself, me big fat ass, me funny face, I just love being me..
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (25 June 2010):
You start by saying "I hate my body".. This is body dysmorphia, and is a well known Mental condition... sorry you feel angry, but if you HATE yourself, then there must be something wrong going on mentally.
Your angry with me, why? What did you expect me to say, yes your ugly, stay single and buy yourself some cats... No, I suggest you may have depression or an problems with your body image and it would help you to see a doctor or a counsellor.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 June 2010):
 "To me, my ex was hotter than George Clooney "- but don't you see, OP ? That's exactly the point. I doubt that he was actually hotter than George Clooney - but he was TO YOU. Why ? Because you saw him through the eyes of your heart. When you'll meet a guy that can see you through the eyes of his heart, you'll be the most perfect,exquisite creature of the world for him. And I don't mean he is gonna be delusional and gonna see you all different from what you are- he'll see you as you are,small boobs, big thighs, and everything...and he will LIKE that, and he'll have a boner any time he glances at your not-so-abundant cleavage.
I am not telling you fairy tales,OP. It happens. It happens all the time. How do you think that average looking women get to stay in fulfilling relationships ? Are you under the impression that Megan Fox or the likes of her are the only women that can get guys and that manage to get laid ?:) Disabuse yourself of this notion,- it simply ain't so.
You just need to meet someone who is into you- who "feels " you. And I'd say that ,since you are only 21, there are very,very good chances that this is gonna happen.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (25 June 2010):
mmm... didn't see any mention of pornography.. I thought this woman said she was just "born insecure".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2010): I read your question but I only glanced at the replies you got and if I repeat something they said or it seems contradictory then take it which a pinch of salt.
I don't understand some women's insane obssession with their looks. I call the obssession insane not the woman, because frankly I think it is. I'm not the only person that thinks so.
So what if we're surrounded by images of plastic barbie looking freakishly skinny, tanned women with big silicone boobs? Variety is beauty, we guys don't look for women to fit into that media perpuated mold we all have different tastes.
I know it doesn't matter what I say, afterall I'm a guy "I just couldn't possibly understand" the thing is I do. I have insecurities about my looks, everyone does. I just choose to approach it from a logical perspective.
I was very chubby, I didn't like it, so I decided to work out and control my diet, 3 months later and I had a fit firm body. I'd prefer to be taller but I can't so I learned to like my size by realizing that nobody except myself gave a crap about how tall I am. I just don't understand why people complain about something that they can change, complaining and feeling bad about something isn't going to change that thing and you're just going to be unhappy, how the hell do people justify that?
It's not that easy? It's a lot harder to live a life unhappy, unfulfilled, alone and drowning in self loathing in my opinion.
My point is, if there's something you don't like about yourself and you can change it then do. If you can't change it then learn to love it or at least learn to focus on your good points. Keep fighting, giving up just makes things worse and our lifespan is too short not to improve it and make it the best we possibly can.
As regards you're wanting to be single, normally I would say there's nothing wrong with being single if you were happy, independent and just didn't care if you had a boyfriend, but for you being single is due to a feeling of resignation that you're just not good enough. That's not being single, that's confining yourself to a painful solitude due to nothing more than letting your insecurities become so overwhelming that you can't see that nobody could possibly as bad or ugly as you think you are.
As a guy, even though I have never seen you, I can tell you that you're beautiful, all women of all shapes and sizes are. Beauty isn't just about looks, I wasn't blown away by my girlfriends looks when I met her first, she was cute and all but it's only when I got to know her did I begin to see her the way I do now, a women of such exceptional beauty that even now typing this 3 years after we first met I get butterflies thinking about her.
She has cellulite, she has extra weight, there are times she'd rather be taller, have bigger breasts, a different nose etc. but she's never let those insecurities be anything major.
I had an ex that was very insecure and it was a constant struggle for me, because frankly it's impossible to love someone that hates themselves, I mean some of the things she said about herself if anyone else had said those things about her they would have gotten a slap from me.
Miamine is VERY wrong when she said "NONE OF US ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN THE WORLD" Yes you are, maybe not to everyone but definitely to someone so if you can't find that beauty in yourself then just trust the opinion of those that do find you that beautiful. My girlfriend is the most beautiful woman in the world, she wouldn't get a modelling contract tomorrow but that's irrelevant, my opinion of her is all that matters to me.
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (25 June 2010):
 Now hold on a sec, that's not fair to criticize other women who have problems with porn and call them nagging or say they're dragging people down. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions on the matter and a lot of women are really REALLY hurt by the issue. I think it might be helpful for you to find an outlet for all this anger, especially anger directed at men for their tastes. Do you think maybe you could join a feminist group? You seem to believe all men share the same taste for skanky bimbos and are all vocal about it and tactless. Most men are NOT like that.
"Since such men don't exist, well, I choose to be alone, nothing wrong with that."
I would dump someone in a heartbeat if he ever told me about how I was less hot than a porn star. Even if it's true, most guys are WAY more tactful than that. My current boyfriend loves my body and tells me I'm the most beautiful woman in the world constantly, and he MEANS it. I am by no means really the most beautiful woman in the world, but a good boyfriend would think so. My friend's boyfriends are frequently like that too. It seems you just had a mentally abusive boyfriend who has in a sense ruined your expectations about men. I know he broke your heart. But they're not all slime, a lot are incredibly sweet and caring and love the way real women look. I think you should find some nicer guys to hang around with and get involved in some kind of pro-woman group to help with an outlet for all this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2010): Well, I know your position regarding these issues, Miamine, and well at least I'm not choosing to be a one of those nagging, insecure wives that complain about porn. At least my insecurity won't hurt anyone but me. Not like those wives you often criticize, with very good arguments, who nag and hurt their husbands because of their insecurity over porn. At least I'm not that selfish and won't drag anyone down with me.I don't think I'm ungrateful for my health. I am very grateful for that, as I am for my intelligence. But just look around and what do you see? A lot of messages to be beautiful. I've seen fat, short, balding men criticizing perfectly healthy females because they have small breasts or some cellulite. Men are very visual and shallow. My ex used to add many females on Facebook JUST BECAUSE they were hot! Guys nowadays, and especially guys my age have become accustomed to the current ideal of beauty, and thus are very shallow. I am 21, I think I know what types of guys I deal with, and sadly, they're neither into Julia Roberts nor Aphrodite... they're into Playboy models, Megan Fox and whoever. They just settle for the girls that they can get, but believe me if they could get a perfect 10, they would!By the way Megan Fox often complains that she's ugly and not sexy, why don't they tell her to shut up and stop being ungrateful? I don't think I'm mentally ill, I think I have good reasons to feel insecure. I mean my ex added these women in Facebook, what for? I know he chose me, but what's the point in being with a girl and adding hot women in Facebook, he knew how ugly that made me feel and he did not care. It made me feel more like a friend than a girlfriend. I have issues in that regard and choose to be single because I'm happier that way. When I'm single I don't have to worry about another guy thinking I'm second best. I'm sorry, but I'm a woman, and I LOVE being considered sexy, and if some guy tells me "No, you're not the most beautiful woman in the world, I think porn stars are hotter" (which is what my ex told me once), then no, it's not enough. Since such men don't exist, well, I choose to be alone, nothing wrong with that.Miamine, you're just as cruel as my ex, it seems. You also seem to think I'm mentally ill and you say you feel sorry for me. Well guess what for some of us it's not that easy feeling great about our bodies because of constant criticism from when I was 5 practically, until nowadays.We all have pressure. Men have financial pressure. We have bodily pressure. The difference is guys can work and make a lot of money, I can't change my bone structure, or the size of my boobs (because apparently guys like big tits better, but not fake ones, natural ones since fake seems to be gross to them). That's the thing. He was perfect for me and I never wanted another guy while being with him, I thought he was the most handsome man and I still do, cause I still love him, yes other men were good looking, but hotter than George Clooney? Sure, to me at least, my ex was!
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (25 June 2010):
Sorry, but your not choosing to be single and happy, your choosing to be single, sad and insecure..
You say nothing has worked... I say you must enjoy the feeling of feeling insecure.
Have you visited the doctor to check for depression... body dysmorphia is a very serious condition, you need help...
And no, not all women think like this, not all women hate themself to such a large degree... you need help, your unhappiness is not normal.
Your boyfriend is right, trying to ignore his words dosen't make you love yourself any more.... You are pushing away the world and shutting it out.. just because your not the most beautiful woman in the world..
You are young, eventually you'll grow up and realise.. NONE OF US ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN THE WORLD.. if we were we'd be famous and rich..
I feel very sorry for you.. instead of being glad that you are healthy and alive, you are disappointed with the health that has been given to you.
Disabled people with no legs or arms have more love for themselves and show more courage in life... I suggest you do some voluntary work with the disabled and readjust your idea of beauty and what is important in life.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (25 June 2010):
 There's two aspects to your question, you know. One is on your choice to remain single, the other is on your boy image.Regarding remaining single, there's nothing wrong with that. A lot of people are single, some of them are happy in that choice, just as a lot of people are married and unhappy. I would only advise against being closed to the idea of EVER being in a relationship. Maybe it will happen for you some day. Don't shut the door.Regarding the body image, I don't know what you look like. What I'm getting from your words, however, is that you have small breasts and a small waist. Well, a lot of men like small breasts. What was that famous quote - "Anything more than a mouthful is a waste".As for considering yourself fat, are you aware that most men are not geared to even notice hips and thighs? For them, the waist is the be-all and end-all of a woman's size, i.e. Small waist = thin girl. It's only us women who obsess over celluloid on the thights and broad hips (and eyebrows too. I've never met a man yet who noticed eyebrows).Your ex probably said what he did in a fit of frustration. Trying to tell a woman she is pretty when she, like you, is firmly convinced she is fat despite having a thin waist, is one of the most intensely frustrating experiences for anyone to face. Frankly, I don't blame him for being angry and you should be able to realize that he didn't mean what he said.Naturally, you aren't going to pay any attention to the paragraph above. Still - it doesn't mean you're mentally ill. Continue hating yourself for being what you are, however, and you'll be walking down that path.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 June 2010):
Your post touches a lot of deep stuff- self esteem, body image, being single as a choice, etc.etc. and if I should tell you mi ideas about that I should write a book, not a post. Knowing my inclination to rant and rave, I am sure that there will be other Aunts who will be able to encourage, advise or comfort you with more concision .
I just want to bring up a simple point that in my opinion is often overlooked when dealing with your kind of problems.
Most women , if not all, feel their looks are inadequate, whether because of personal insecurities or comparison to media icons. We all tend to obsess about breasts, weight, hair and whatnot. All of us, if not always at least at some vulnerable point in our life, feel we just do not look good enough. But good enough for what ? For men. For attracting men, catching men, keeping men.
OK,but... where all these handsome men ? All these gorgeous hunks who would be entitled to pair up with flawless women ? If you want Barbie,then you should be Ken, right ? Have a look around and count the Kens. Not many,right ?
For every George Clooney there are 1000 Woody Allens. For every Robert Pattinson there are 1000 fat,pimply adolescents.
Just have a look around in normal places ( I mean,not in a model agency or movie set )- a bank, a supermarket, a college,a church What do you see ? Normal guys, guys with some imperfections. Fat guys,short guys, bald guys, bespectacled guys. Guys that,like most people in this world , have some good features and some not so good.
So,unless you only plan to date Calvin Klein models,... what makes you think you have to look perfect for dating less than totally perfect people ?
It's not men or magazines or porn stars, that make you feel ugly- it's you that make you feel ugly. So- you are a bit pear shaped,aren't you ? And then...? Michelle Obama is too, and that did not stop her from finding a god catch...
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (25 June 2010):
Jeeeez it sounds like this guy needs to take his anger out on something. He feels bad because you two are broken up, so now he's trying to drag you down with him. I'm sure you're beautiful. Everyone has cellulite! I have a lot of cellulite. Even movie stars have cellulite. Julia Roberts is notoriously VERY cellulitey, but people still think she's gorgeous. And as a woman, it's womanly to have hips and thighs covered in a fair amount of fat. Plus you have a small waist? Give yourself some more credit! You should NOT let this horrible jerk drag you down. I want you to look at this, the ideal of female beauty (aphrodite) before plastic surgery came along.
http://www.beforeyoutakethatpill.com/2008/11/aphrodite.jpg
Look, very small breasts and wide hips and thighs. Definitely not super skinny! Magazines and such are fake. None of us look like that, and guys don't only go for women who look like that. If they did, we'd all be single. You can do whatEVER you want. Don't take him so seriously because he's a "therapist." You don't even need a degree to be a therapist, and some can be total lunatics. You should cut off all contact with this low-life. Let him be miserable on his own. My guess is he made you feel like this all throughout the relationship and it's killed your self-esteem. You should go talk to a therapist who isn't your ex, who isn't trying to hurt you. It's your right to choose to be single if you want, but you shouldn't choose to be single because you think you can't measure up to a victoria's secret model. Hang around with people who make you feel good about yourself. You'll find a guy someday who worships your body.
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