A
female
age
36-40,
*utumnleaves07
writes:If anyone could offer any advice I would really, really appreciate it...I think I am going mad and I don't know what to do.My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me via email 3 months ago...we're both doing gap years and he's decided he wants to stay where he is, and said he didn't love me anymore. It was completely out of the blue and just 5 days before he was saying how much he loved me and wanted to marry me. It was obviously quite a hard break up as it was all over email and phone, and the first two months were awful.I found out that he'd started seeing someone else less than 2 weeks after he broke up with me, and I found out from pictures posted on the internet. I saw him when he came home over Xmas, and it was horrible. He says he's totally in love with this new girl, hopes I'm happy, blah blah blah. It was weird because he was crying and saying he missed me every single day, and yet feels so strongly for this girl. He said he still wanted me in his life but I said no, he can't have his cake and eat it too.Anyway, although I've been doing much better since I saw him, I'm kind of scared by some of my behaviour. I know it's awful, but I know the password to his email and I've checked it a couple of times. I've been quite good at restraining myself, but sometimes I just get so angry and I want to see what's going on. It's stupid because I know that no good can come of it and all I'm doing is hurting myself, and yet I find myself obsessing over this new girl...what's so good about her? What's wrong with me? And it's driving me mad...Most of the time I can be rational, but sometimes I really feel that I'm going crazy and I get so angry. This is completely out of character as normally I am so calm and relaxed. It just seems so unfair that I'm in this state and he gets to be happy with someone he's only known a couple of months. And I miss him so much, I almost want to start talking to him again but I know it'll only hurt me. If anyone could offer me any advice, please do, I would appreciate it so much. I absolutely promise I am not a psycho, and I truly want to be over this and stop feeling so angry...
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female
reader, Kit2  +, writes (25 April 2009):
I know this question was asked about a year ago and you are probably getting over your heartache. I just need to write this for anyone else out there looking to heal at a time when everything seems sad and hopeless in light of a heart-wrenching break-up. Whatever you do DO NOT, under any circumstances snoop around in his e-mails, Facebook, or whatever other password you have of his to anything computer related. This is bad enough when he doesn't have another girl. When he does have someone else and you happen to come across pictures, private messages etc. of the two of them together you are absolutely devastating yourself, not to mention the feelings of jealousy, resentment and anger that will be consuming you with every such discovery for days and months to come. This in no way, shape or form is helpful in the healing and moving on process. Please, to whoever reads this who is going through a similar situation, resist the urge to snoop. Forget you know the password, forget he has any sort of computer account and do whatever you can in your power to stay away from those emotional minefields. Breakups are absolutely brutal. I suppose it is up to us to make a decision on how we are going to deal with them. We have to accept that some things are simply out of our hands. What we do have control over is ourselves and our actions. At this horrible time it is up to us to do whatever we can to better OUR situations and OUR well-being and not dwell on the person who broke our heart. That person has moved on, it's a cold, hard fact. Now it is our time to start doing the same. Remember that this too shall pass.
A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (31 January 2008):
 I can relate to your story completely as I went through something simialr myself 3 months ago now.
Take a look at this article:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-over-your-ex.html
Hope you find it helpful :)
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A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (31 January 2008):
You are still in a bit of denial and it's not doing you any good.Get away from his emails and stop seeing him so much.The pain is still there and when someone dumps you at a point you think things are ok,you are devastated,I've been there.Stop thinking about it too much and stop snooping you are just depressing yourself.
Good Luck
Take Care.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (31 January 2008):
 Sometimes what you see or hear is not what you get. He told you he love that girl just after a short time.
Is it possible to really love another girl in that quick time? It could be just sexual attractions or infatuations only or he is in a confused state and does not really know what he is doing .There are a gamut of emotions going through him and his emotions may not be stabilized.
From your descriptions , he still love you . You need to act confident and not be clingy/needy even if you miss him terribly.
That girl may not last as it could just be a rebound.
After a period of separation, he will not talk to you in a hurtful way. Times have changed.
Maybe , you need to call him out and talk. If he is interested, he will accept .Otherwise, you can say goodbye and move on..
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A
female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (31 January 2008):
 I kind of went through a similar thing. I didnt know his password but I was checking his facebook constantly for comments from the new girlfriend and checking his best friends facebook for comments she had left him about what her and my ex were getting up to at the weekend. Eventually you have to give yourself a break. Be honest with yourself - you really dont want to know what is in those emails and i'll bet that when you read one from her or to her it makes you feel sick and lonely. So dont do that to yourself. Keep busy. FORCE yourself to stay away from his emails.
Theres nothing wrong with you and nothing so special or better about her other than she was there when you and him were apart. It doesnt sound like its personal or something you have done wrong. It just sounds like with you both being on gap years the distance between you pushed you apart and then he met her.
Avoid him at all costs, dont start talking to him again. It will put a stop to how much you miss him temporarily but you will just be making things worse and torturing yourself because you'll be reminded of why you like him but you cant have him cos he's with someone else now. You dont need that. Work on putting yourself back together. Go get your hair and nails done, go shopping, get a spray tan then grab your girls and hit the town.
You'll wake up one day soon and realise you havent thought about him in ages. Promise!!
Brooke
xx
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (31 January 2008):
 Hi there,
You know what you have to do don't you, deep down that is.
You have got to stop looking at his emails first and foremost. When you do this you will be on the road to recovery, it is an important step to make to start the healing process. Until you do this you will be living your life constantly obsessed with what he is up to , who he is seeing, how his new girlfriend is going etc etc.
You have your own life to live, you are young its time to dust yourself off and get out there and start enjoying life again. You never know Mr Right may be standing in line just around the corner, but you aren't going to meet him if you carry on like this are you.
Is there any chance you can go away somewhere for a couple of weeks, a different environment will help you focus and readjust your priorities.
Good luck, and remember you won't be able to stop this behaviour until you bin that email password.
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