A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need your help. I have no one else to turn to about this. I can't talk to my family and I no longer am able to talk to my best friends. This is alittle complicated, my boyfriend and I dated in highschool for 2 years and during that time I did some horrible and immature things. I cheated on him, I was always high and i was extremely suicidal. I said and did alot of awful and mean things to many people, including him. Anyway I broke up with him one summer and we were apart for 2 years after that. During these 2 years he was in a realationship with another girl and living with her right away. And during this time I saw other people as well, I also changed and matured alot during this time. Realized that I had made many horrible mistakes and that I wanted to be with him.And after 2 years of being apart we got in contact with eachother and started dating again. It was amazing at first. He was so sweet. We talked about the past and decided that yes I made many mistake but that we wanted to move past that and have a happy life with eachother.Well, I have now been with him for 9 months. Living with him for 2 of those 9 months and things are horrible. They have been for many months now. He blames me for every horrible thing that he went through during those 2 years we were apart. He says that I ruined him life and he hates me for it. I am not allowed to see my family. He tells me that they are scum and don't love me anyway. I had to stop talking to my best friend that I had for years because he hated her. and every other friend I had.He says I am a dirty skanky sl*t who can never be trusted. He calls me any name you can think of. Telling me I am a brainless retard. I am not allowed to go anywhere without his permission, or his presence. I am not allowed to close bedroom/bathroom doors. If I do he takes them off of the hinges. He throws juice in my face if i do something wrong. He throws entire boxes of cereal on me and demands that I clean it up or he will leave. He has broken many valuable things of mine without so much as an 'i am sorry'. He pushes me, spits in my face, kicks me. He has never hit me with his fists which i am thankful for. But everything else he will do. He tells me 'once a wh*ore always a wh*ore'. He constantly punishes me for dating other people while we were apart. I am not allowed to say no to sex, and he will often have sex with me while I am asleep.Every month he also get enraged when I am on my period stating that I am choosing to be a disgusting gross messy bleeding pig. He says that I have chosen to bleed because I am not using my birth control 'properly'. Meaning Im not using it to stop my periods. He calls me selfish for not doing so.There are so many other things but I am sure you get the picture. Please, what should I do? I love him so much. I really do. He can be so sweet and so loving on occasion and in those moments I see the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am just so lost, I dont know what to do. Help!I am sorry this is so long.
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best friend, broke up, immature, period Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): A) your in love with whom he use to be in high school not who he is now
B) you feel so guilty for the crap that you did to him that you justified and forcing yourself to stick around and making it work....believe me it won't work
You think you want to spend the rest of your life with him but you don't. You need to secretly pack your things call your parents or anyone who can help and leave him while he is at work. Before or after you do this you must inform the police of what is going on and they will alwas take domestic abuse cases as priority. I hope I have helped but the important thing is to remember that he does not love you anymore, the man you once loved is gone and he has been replaced by this monster whose intention is to exact his revenge for hurting him in anyway shape or form.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010): I guess you should do what the other anonymous gentelman said...Call the women's shelter, and take it from there.
Take that one small step. It will be easier after that.
Abuse like this, for any reason, is unacceptable. NO-ONE deserves to be treated like this, even if they have made some terrible mistakes in their life.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (21 April 2010):
 There are women all over the world who put up with abuse because they have no choice. They have no control over who they marry. They don't even have control over their own bodies. Their governments overlook their abuse and view it as the right of a man to do as he pleases. They have no recourse, nowhere to turn.
Luckily for you, you do not live in any of those places. YOU have a choice. You can get out and get yourself to safety. You have family and friends who will come to your rescue, all you have to do is ask them.
Please ask for help from your loved ones and get away from this man. You may think what you feel is love, but it's really dependence.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (21 April 2010):
 Only you can make a difference this is your life people can tell you till they turn blue that you need to get out. First you need to recognized the signs of abuse, second you need to get out of this relationship and find help. Please do this before you cause such a big pain to your parents heart by having them identify you in a body bag; I pray this does not happen but domestic violence always escalates to constant and more brutal abuse. You think right now you can't live without him but think on how you are living, in fear, in solitude, unlove, and sexually harass, my friend this is not living please leave for your own safety. He can tell you over and over that he loves you but love is not hate; love is not controlling, and love is not humiliating please open your eyes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): you dont have to do anything! Everything you described is abuse and it sounds like you know it. You dont owe him anything for what happened in high school. You have talked and closed the book. I would expect that in a normal relationship you would have to be exceptionally open about what you are doing because of your past, but he has taken this WAY too far! He is punishing you and you are punishing yourself by staying with him.
When he is at work gather up your stuff and leave. Stay with a family member and don't tell him where. Do NOT communicate with him after you leave, and do not tell him or even imply that you are about to leave! Just disappear. It will be the best decision you ever made. Just get out, now!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 April 2010):
 Hh darling- and you ask what should you do. You should get out of this "relationship " . And out of his reach. Immediately.
I am serious, the writing on the wall is clear and it's not good at all. This guy is not only making you miserable, but he is also potentially dangerous for you. Now he is only verbally and psychologically abusive, but these things have a way to escalate fast.
Sure, he is able to be caring and loving and affectionate a moment, and totally different the next.. If you stay there too long, you may find out that he's able to be loving one minute, and beat you to a pulp the next.
RUN !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): That was a horrible read. Please leave him.
Now.
Just leave. A year later you will look back and be glad you did.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (21 April 2010):
I agree with the posts below. Even if you have to go to a woman's shelter, you need to get away from this man now.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (21 April 2010):
I was going to say that your boyfriend seems immature about handling "life" issues, but when I got on to the bit about him stopping you from seeing your family, and friends, it became immediately apparent that you are in an abusive relationship, and need to get out.
No boyfriend should ever stop their girlfriend from having access to their family, and their friends. I think most boys know, that when girls are unhappy, they tend to talk to their female friends about their problems. Your boyfriend, whether he knowingly realises, is controlling you by stopping you from doing this.
It is typical abusive behaviour, to show love in one gesture, but then, a moment later, behave terribly. I think you know this, don't you? Someone that can actually love someone can call them the things you have described.
I think you are so frightened and feel you are without options, but the fact you could post on here shows that you know there is a way to get out of this. My advice is that you need to plan a day in which you can get your stuff, and leave. Move back to your parents, or somewhere safe. Tell your boyfriend it is over, and, no matter how hard things get, don't change your mind.
By the way, you are not a "whore" for your past. You might have done some things you don't like now, but everything you did do, made you the person you are today. With the right person, this is supposed to be a good thing. Don't waste any more of your life sweetie, move on, you deserve the best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): Please call a women's shelter right away. Tell them what you have told us in your post. You DO NOT deserve to be abused like this. As a father, I would never want to see my daughter treated this way. You need to be treated with love and respect. Please make the call. You can't fix this one yourself. Take care.
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A
female
reader, rambini +, writes (21 April 2010):
 Please, please, just re-read your post. how can you even be considering staying with a man like this?
I understand that you love him, but love is a two-way street and he does not love you.
a person who loved you would NEVER do those things to you. it is irrelevant that he is not like it all the time. one day a year is too often.
you need to get away from this man and this relationship as soon as possible. it will be hard, but you need to be strong. this man is a vile disgusting animal, who has no right to be treating you like this.
there are people around you who love you. your friends and family will be worried about you and missing you.
for them, and most importantly for yourself, you need to gather together your dignity and leave this man before he hurts you more.
he may not have punched you yet, but it is only a matter of time and the violence will only get worse.
you found the strength to change for the better and become the sort of person you wanted to be, now you need to use some of that strength to recognise how dangerous and abusive this relationship is and leave for good. this man is evil and he will keep hurting you as long as you let him.
i wish you the best of luck and we are all here for you anytime you need to talk, x
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