A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please tell me if I'm overreacting here because I can't work it out. My boyfriend of 4 years and I were just in a car accident (he ran into the back of someone on black ice). I am ok for the most part, although I hurt my neck a little bit and I obviously got a fright. My first thought was him, and I asked him if he was ok. He said he wasnt hurt but he was f****** raging that it had happened. Since then all he has done is moan that it's not fair he has been in an accident, he is annoyed, it's a joke, it's going to cost him a fortune etc... He has not once asked if I am ok. My claims that it could have been a lot worse have been ignored and when I tried to give him a hug he brushed me off and went away to phone someone. He then told me to get a taxi home. I know it's just happened so maybe I should be cutting him some slack, but I feel like I am a bit shaken up too and he hasn't even thought about me. It's all about him and how unfair it is that it happened, plus his complaint that he was giving me a lift so he 'shouldn't have been out on the road'. Am I being too harsh? He is a fairly selfish person and usually thinks about himself first and others later or never. I've always known that, but I guess I thought he'd come through when it was important? Thanks for your advice. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2012): Sounds like it was a minor accident since no one was injured and you only got a bit of whip lash. But the damage to the car body can be costly. Its happened to me before. But these types of accidents are very common and without injury its really a much bigger deal about the car. Its not a big deal for you so I wouldn't expect your bf to ask how you are since its obvious you're ok and its not even your car that got hit. His focus should be on the driver he hit and the damages he is now responsible for.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2012): What makes you think a selfish person would suddenly not be selfish anymore when the stakes are higher?? If anything that would turn their attention even more onto themselves.
He probably saw that you LOOKED ok since you didn't sustain noticeable injuries. So all he can think of is how screwed he is going to be financially or legally from this accident. To be honest I think a lot of guys would do that too. It would be different if you were injured but you weren't. In the meantime he may potentially be in a lot of trouble so I hate to say it but I think his selfishness in this instance is justified.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (24 November 2012):
 Hi
Well I think he is probably still in a bit of shock, it could have been a hell of alot worse than it was and he was driving and knows this.Cut him some slack.
Now he's got insurance etc to sort out so hopefully he IS insured.Also repairs and if he can't drive it till they are done its gonna put him in a right mood.
Yea he probably should have asked if you were ok, but as you weren't dripping with blood,could walk and talk, he could see you were.
If however he doesn't ring you later to ask if your ok,got home and apologise to you - well, give your relationship some thought, if you don't like him as is, then maybe its time to let go. Up to you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2012): But you are okay OP and you were fine after the crash too. Why would he need to ask when he sees that you are?
To me it's a little harsh, yeah. he kind of has his mind occupied now OP with all the admin and money etc. You were unhurt, nothing bad happened to you but a little fright. He now has a tonne of shit to deal with, a bust up car, insurance for the other person etc.
I say calm down and relax, he'll ask you when he's calmed down a bit.
He didn't react well, I understand that bit, I also understand why it would upset you he didn't show you some loving but he was in a fit of rage, not all of us want to be babied and reassured when we're angry OP, just left alone. but you saw he was furious and should have just let him off with that instead.
Let him calm down, then talk to him OP. this could have just been a rush of adrenaline and anger. But remember you came out of this completely unscathed, you didn't wreck a car, you don't have to pay any money for anything, you're not going to have to deal with a potential lawsuit for whiplash either. Nothing bad happened you OP, if the shoe were on the other foot and you mental you'd want him to cut you some slack until you'd gotten your head together.
Don't take it personally just yet OP, let him calm down and talk, if I'm wrong and he continues to be an ass then you have a every right to think he's being a selfish dick. He too was shaken OP, I'm very much a person who doesn't want to be babied when angry, I prefer to be left vent.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 November 2012):
 My guess, he is embarrassed that it happened - HE could have gotten you killed - he could have killed someone else and even himself.
There is nothing like a bit of reality to show HOW people react to various situations. HE did not react very classy or empathetic. You said you thought he would come though in important situations.. Guess you were proven wrong.
I can't tell you what you should do, but honestly - I kind of understand his first gut reaction, but then when he starts to BLAME you for this? UNCALLED for. TOTALLY uncalled for. Personally, unless he apologize for 1. blaming you and 2. not making sure you are safe and sound (and BOTH without being prompted) I couldn't date a guy like this. YOU might feel differently. So go with your gut on this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2012): "It's all about him and how unfair it is that it happened, plus his complaint that he was giving me a lift so he 'shouldn't have been out on the road'. Am I being too harsh? He is a fairly selfish person and usually thinks about himself first and others later or never. I've always known that, but I guess I thought he'd come through when it was important?"Now you know that he is a completely selfish person and not only did he NOT come through for you when it was imprtant, but he's also blaming you entirely. His behavior should tell you everything you need to know about him, probably everything you already knew but didn't want to believe, and if you stay with him, then you can expect more of the same and even worse.That you have been together for four years leads me to suspect you have ignored or overlooked similar red flags in the past. If you are waiting for him to magically "change" into a thoughtful, considerate, compassionate human being, then you will literally be waiting forever, until he dies or until you die, whichever comes first.
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A
female
reader, [?]BitterSweetFinale;[?] +, writes (24 November 2012):
![[?]BitterSweetFinale;[?] agony aunt](/avatars/7bb1e9ea-6c2f-43b8-a4f7-0635b7eff08c.png) I don't think you're being self-absorbed at all, dear. I just think that you don't need to overreact over it, you're not dead, are you? No. And your boyfriend shouldn't be throwing a big fit over it either, car accidents happen everyday. Just know that it's good to have confidence but when you only think about yourself, that's a bit harsh.. To avoid anymore conflict I strongly suggest to talk with him about it and how you wanted to know if he thought about you and to know it wasn't your fault so he should quit throwing you under the bus because he was the one driving, not you. I dislike it when people blame others for their misfortunes because they feel like they're "perfect" but that's just me. I wish you the best, cheer up, okay? I'm glad that you're fine and that he is too, God bless you. 3.
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