A
female
age
30-35,
*olly120
writes:I've been dating my boyfriend for about 10 months now. We're very close, get along great, and he's met my family (extended family included) and seemed to like all of them. However, last week I asked him of he had plans for Christmas. He said no he didn't have any plans and he was probably just going to stay home by himself as his family doesnt celebrate Chritmas because they are Jehovah witness . I suggested he should spend Christmas with my family. He said he didn't want to. I was hurt and asked him why and he claimed "he only spent Christmas with one girlfriend and he's never going to do it again". I made it clear that I didn't understand why he didn't want to come but he said he totally didn't want to. I'm confused because I know Christmas doesn't bother him and he doesn't have any specific religious beliefs. I feel like he could possibly be distancing himself but as a person who always celebrated the holidays maybe Im being insensitive to someone who hasnt. Should I be upset?
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reader, polly120 +, writes (26 November 2013):
polly120 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both! Your responses help a lot :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2013): I grew up in a religiously divided household. My mother was a Jehovahs Witness, my father was not. They divorced. I grew up celebrating the holidays with my dad but because of my JW upbringing I always felt guilty doing so. I also feared that because I was celebrating the holidays I was going to be destroyed at armageddon since JW's teach that if we participate in 'pagan' holidays that we are going against God. I left the religion in my early 20's and even though I celebrated holidays growing up I still felt guilty whenever I celebrated them after I left. It took many years to deprogram myself from JW teachings. Even though it seems that your bf may not be bothered by it he may be, even on a subconscious level. I know that many people who grew up as JW's and then left often feel sadness around the holidays - they realized what they missed out on as children--the fun, the presents, the traditions, they never had any of that....Sometimes it feels like a peice of childhood was stolen from them. Feeling of anger, bitterness, pain, and resentment can come up.The holidays can definitely be a difficult and painful time for ex JW's, both on a conscious and unconscious level. I suggest being understanding and realize that this has nothing to do with you. He may find it difficult to talk about because unless you have expereinced it yourself it's really hard to understand.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2013): Should you be upset?Nope.1) You've been together 10 months. I've been with my boyfriend 3 years, soon to be fiance, and we still don't spend Christmas together. He is with his family, me with mine, until one day when we are united and share our families on this special occasion.2) Your boyfriend is a JW. Respect his wishes too. He has shared how he tried it before and didn't like it, so don't force him to do something that isn't his religion or values. Sure, he could consider your feelings, but it's a family occasion, not your birthday. So excuse him for it, give it time, one day when you are together longer it will be different. Besides, absence makes the heart grow fonder! 3) He will be relieved and happier when you don't force him into it. This will bode well for your relationship. Spend this special time with your family, and after, you can share it all with him. What happened, who was there, etc. It will be exciting and you can't catch up then.Always consider the other person too, and where they can make your wishes come true, they will, but sometimes, it's their turn to be heard too.Happy Christmas with your Family and enjoy your relationship and keep it happy! :)
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A
female
reader, Wyeldfire +, writes (26 November 2013):
 Your feelings are *yours* and no one should tell you what you should or shouldn't feel. I might be able to offer some perspective on this, as I used to be one of Jehovah's Witnesses.You mention that he's met your family, but not whether he's met yours. You also say that he wants to spend time alone "as his family doesn't celebrate Christmas". It sounds like your boyfriend is living what the JWs call a "double life". When I was a JW, we were often warned to avoid people who indulged in such "deceptions" as living a "double life", since it meant they were presenting an acceptable face to the JWs (one of living, at least part of the time, by JW standards) and living the rest of the time by the unacceptable standards of "The World" (non-JWs). I don't know what your boyfriend's standing with the Witnesses is, but he may be presenting himself one way to his family and another way to you. If so, there could be a couple reasons for this. If he is baptized, he runs the risk of being "disfellowshipped" (similar to excommunication) for not following JW rules, which means losing his family and friends. He would be shunned, treated as if he was dead and cut off from them for the rest of his life. If he has not been baptized, he still runs the risk of difficulties and tension with his family, though it may not be as severe as shunning - there's no way to know for sure without knowing his situation (some JWs' lives are so entwined with their faith that they risk losing housing, jobs and intimate relationships by striking out on their own.)All the same, it sounds like there may be a disconnect here between the life he has with you, the side of himself he shows to you and the person he is with his JW family and friends/associates. You may or may not see that as dishonesty, but it is worth talking about to see where his head is, what he is feeling and experiencing, what the world looks and feels like to him and what it means for the future... if there is one.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 November 2013):
 No, I don't think you should. First of all, if he celebrated Xmas I doubt he would be spending it with you. The unwritten but prevailing rule ( with exceptions, of course ! ) is that Xmas is to be with family- birth family. So ,many , perhaps most, unmarried couples spend Xmas at their parents'home- each one his/her own. When they are married it gets more complicated, generally it's one year at my family's , next year at yours , or , Xmas Eve at mine, Xmas day at yours. Or some other sort of arrangement. But, a ten months gf ? the parents or siblings who 'd be happy to be ditched on Xmas in favour of such a new entry aren't many...
Second, he may not be a Jehova witness himself, but if he has grown up around and with Jehova's Witnesses, he has absorbed a whole different set of ideas and values about the relevance of this festivity. Not only they won't share the religious meaning of it, they even less share/appreciate the social, mundane one, the gift exchange, the special meals etc. They don't get it and they don't LIKE it ( JW do not even celebrate birthdays as for that ). At all.
I know it's not the same thing, but ... it's a bit like my failed attempts to get Italians to celebrate Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving, and I think there's absolutely no need to be an American or a Sioux or .. a pilgrim to pick a day to gather friends together and be thankful for all the abundance a benevolent Universe bestows on us ( yes it does :) even when ,on the surface, it does not seem so ). They sort of see my point, but they just don't get into it, they don't get why it has to be on a Thursday, and why there's so much cooking to do, and why turkey and pumpkin ( that are not particularly appreciated here and not thought worthy of a festive meal )... it's all a big hassle and a big headache for them.
So, I am guessing but I am pretty sure that for your Bf it's all much ado for nothing, and extra costs and pointless commotion. He must have tried to be nice and go with the flow to please his ex gf- he hated it, and he does not want to repeat the experience. Don' worry, don't fret and don't force him. It's got nothing to do with not loving you or not liking your family. Just let him free to NOT join in the festivities. You will make up for the lost occasion on New Years' Eve ( which obviously is not a Jehova Witness thing either... but , being universal, and devoid of religious menaing- should go down much more easily ).
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (26 November 2013):
 it is not that Christmas doesn't bother him it's that he, and other Jehovah Witnesses don't celebrate Christmas. Let him be, Christmas holds no significance for him.
I would imagine if he is not a staunch follower and if your relationship continues he will eventually be comfortable with the concept of family Christmas, but for now it is an alien concept he tried once and didn't like.
I advocate patience, and a SMALL, thoughtful gift be presented to him on Boxing Day, not because you expect him to buy you one in return, not because you want him to share and experience Christmas as practiced by you family, but because it is a pat of your culture and you hope he understands you would feel awkward to do otherwise.
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