A
female
age
51-59,
*tressedms
writes:Hi I'm seeking advice and I guess because I'm in a new country and feeling isolated, some strength and direction to help get my thoughts together and make some decisions would be really helpful.I've been in a relationship with my partner for over three years and will admit that its been rocky and we have broken up several times; mostly over my issues over the relationship between him and his ex.When we first met alarm bells went off even though she moved overseas, the phone calls early in the morning from her which they would talk for up to three hours, calling each other babe and I love and miss you. He assured me they were friends and he would remain friends with all his ex's but guess I questioned the boundaries of his keeping these friendships and particularly with her.Three years later we have moved to the same country she is in. He moved here first and I found out from a phone call from her; that after the first week he arrived and was staying with his cousins family; she flew down to stay a week also. She found out he hadn't told me she was staying there and felt she should phone and tell me. Guess I should feel okay that she let me know, I had my partner up and he said that he keeps things about her from me because of my reaction.The phone calls and contact with them still continues and over the past few months I have inadvertently found out about contact they've had and kept from me and this is what is really doing my head in.The first incident happened when we both flew to her home town for work.. he was there a few days earlier than me. The first night I arrive he organised for his ex to pick us up to catch up with mates of theirs. During conversation she bought up and I quickly became aware that they had caught up when he arrived and also that they had caught up when she had flown in to our city on a stop off at the airport some time earlier. I had him up about not telling me and how it made me feel. And it bought up the same thing he didn't tell me because of my reaction. Convenient to say when I have been trying to remain calm and talk reasonably and explain it makes it worse when I'm the last to know and I feel like the third wheel and not the respected partner he should make me feel.Then a few weeks later he let slip that she had been back to our home country and visited his parents and showed them photos of our home. She has never been to our home... that I knew of. Turns out when I was away for work she had to catch a stop off at our city to catch a connecting flight to her home town. He told me that there was some problem with that flight and the airline offered her a hotel for the night which she turned down to instead stay with him. I know that there are always flights or alternatives to her home. I was phoning him every evening to talk and it riles me to think that she would have been there sitting quietly and that he never said anything about the fact she was there and just hey babed me and love and miss you and meanwhile was having an intimate one on one with his ex in our home. He said he never slept with her, nothing happened. He also became defensive trying to justify his actions by saying that she was just a friend and he could have any friend stay over. My reaction to that was yea you can if she isn't another woman apart from your sister. I kind of had to suck it up as we were working together and because he is the sort that expects me to move on from a shitty situation and get over it. To add insult to it all he also commented that we weren't even getting along that well at the time and that just comes across to me as well did that give you free licence in your head to justify his actions with this ex and whatever happened that night. Its messing me up and I can't get it out of my head them spending the night together and I can't look at him/talk to him without it all being in my thoughts. The bottom line I know is trust and I'm having major issues trusting him. I'm certain she would jump at him if he allowed her. I hate that I am left not ever going to know what happened between them that night and that they have put me in this shitty situation of not ever knowing and having this conspiracy together against me.Recently my partner went back for a visit to our home country and I found out this ex was also going back and would be staying at his home with him when she was there. He never told me about this and would have stayed until the time she was arriving but ended up coming home when a job I was meant to be starting was put off a week and so he came home. Yep I felt relieved when he came home earlier but obviously it was only relief because he wouldn't be in the same country with her and without me there.I had been home alone dealing with all these shitty thoughts and during the time he was home things between us were okay but because he had a date to fly away for work in a few days he was busy doing last minute things and I really wanted to try and get over things and feel better with him but it just didn't really happen as I wanted it to. I kept looking at him thinking of him and his ex in our home together instead. The night before he flew out wasn't great.. apart from the fact we would be separated for a month, I just couldn't get close to him my thoughts were still holding me back. When we had to say goodbye at the airport we had hardly talked all the morning and he jumped straight out of bed without a kiss, cuddle or anything, we kissed goodbye and it felt so wrong and empty and I said so to him. He looked at me and told me that he didn't love me and walked away and five days later hasn't contacted me and my calls go straight to voice mail. things weren't that bad between us for him to say that and behave this way. He is also only a couple of hours drive from this damn ex. He is very good at justifying his behaviour and turning things around so that my behaviour and reactions become the focus and I am the bad one. He has kicked me out in the past and thrown my belongings and me out with no compassion or regard. and within days ended up with other woman, yep he still keeps in touch with a couple and I found a text he sent to one a couple of weeks ago that began Hey beautiful, I couldn't even be bothered hitting him up about it as it wouldn't have gone down well with him and with all this other ex stuff going on. He is a charming, well liked guy to woman in general and I have often thought that he would make a better ex and that I would get treated and respected better than being his partner. I'm know left in this limbo he left me in and with too much time alone with all these thoughts flying around. I know in the back of my head that he has and is treating me like the doormat I allow him to.. even though he professes his love for me and I don't know how much he loves me and that he his faithful, loyal and got up to nothing with his ex. We keep getting back together and since moving overseas I rely on him and our relationship and his company and support. But am also conscious of the fact that I walk on eggshells a lot around him and if I don't keep him happy by being happy around him he will do what he did when he flew out by saying he didn't love me anymore and at some stage I could expect to be told its over and move out before I get back. Who knows. I'm between a rock and a hard place and have even considered phoning and asking his ex to be honest and talk about her staying that night and her part in it but can't trust that she will be honest with me. I feel like the obvious is in my face but need some hard truths and reality checks to set me straight. So give it to me people
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female
reader, stressedms +, writes (28 November 2013):
stressedms is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOnce again ladies...Thank You.Have been having a heavy few days of soul searching and realisation. I have been in such a cycle of abuse and forgiveness and abuse and forgiveness that I feel conditioned and brainwashed into accepting what I know is not right.. but doing so anyway! I feel kind of sad and angry at myself for not having the respect in my self to have ended this a long time ago. You are right saying I need to remove myself from this poisonous, hurtful and soul damaging situation. I have alienated friends and family in the past who have reached out and helped me in past shitty situations with him. It has affected work, my health, friendships and self respect and esteem in myself. I've allowed him to control my life totally and have become pathetic to my own needs and wants and what I ultimately deserve as woman in this "relationship".I'm having a tough time right now trying to figure what and where to go. I have to fly out for three weeks work in a couple of days. We live in the same house and he will be back at he same time I come back three days before Xmas. I have no family here and one friend I relied on in the past who really helped me out big time when I had a really shitty situation with him and he kicked me out cold. I had no where to go and stayed with her and her family for a few weeks. Then went back to him. She later told me how hard it was opening her home to me when her husband and kids didn't know me and I was doing so well.. then went back to him. We are still good friends but I have since been keeping all this crap and more from her... and don't feel I can involve her again.. especially when my past track record shows I just end up going back. All my good, long term friends are at my home country and have also helped in the past and I've also thrown it in their faces by going back. I plan to stay in this country and city because I have spent a lot of time and energy in getting a foot in the door to earning some good money because I want to set myself up financially and become independent. Haven't heard from him since he flew out on Friday and it just assures me how he can "switch" off and play his games at my expense. He's done it before. I've got to the point that if there was any contact I have nothing to say to him. he's turned the situation around.. as always happens.. that I have made him behave the way he now is.. by not trusting, loving him, being unhappy around him.. hence I have caused him not to love me or contact me. I really know how he operates so can pretty well surmise that this is what is going on now and where he is at. It feels a total waste of time to express my feelings or reiterate what he has done to hurt me so badly and I would feel crazy at this stage to do so when I know how unacceptably he has acted anyway and that he will only justify his actions by saying she is just a friend, nothing happened, you don't trust me.. its my problem.So don't have a solution to getting out and away from him as yet.. its tricky but I am working on it.You are all correct that I shouldn't put up with this shit anymore.. I deserve to be treated respectfully and have a lot of amends to make to myself and my friends and family.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2013): There is a long hard road ahead for you, but ultimately you will be much happier and stronger. If I was in your situation, I would put in place a way to be totally independent of the bf and have nothing (as far as possible) to do with him ever again. He has totally and utterly disrespected you and your relationship. He has not made you, your feelings, your trust, or your relationship a priority. Thus, he is not worth your time, love or trust.You want to know what happened between your bf and his ex, and I understand that feeling. I can tell you, that once time has passed (a year or two) and you no longer care for him at all, along with that, you will no longer care what he did, or feel a need to know.I think, that it doesn't matter if they slept together or not, he cheated on you by betraying your trust. Intimate time alone with another woman, without your knowledge or inclusion, is cheating in my book. If he TOLD you in advance, and kept you totally informed of what was happening, it may be a different story, but he LIED by omission. I would not allow myself to be with someone like that for a moment longer. You feel weak, and low on self esteem at the moment, and I know that feeling too. But, you WILL feel stronger and more confident in time - be strong enough now, and love yourself enough now, to remove yourself from this poisonous, hurtful, damaging, soul-destroying situation. Be GLAD he has left, and done you the favor of ending things. No matter how much it hurts, and how much you remember just the good things, no matter how much you think being with him was better than being without him, just keep walking FORWARD in the path of being your own independent strong SINGLE woman. Don't ever allow a man to treat you like that again. Love yourself, and care for yourself MORE. Know your boundaries, tell a man your boundaries, if he crosses them - walk away, no chances.
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A
female
reader, stressedms +, writes (27 November 2013):
stressedms is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi ladies,
Thank you so much for your valued advice. Each of you are spot on and I really appreciate the fact that you each reached out to help me. Honestly... I know what I need to do and should have done it a long time ago.. I've put up with a lot of shit! And fallen totally into the mind games and allowing him to treat me this way. Guess it says a lot about my state of mind, low self esteem and lack of resolve and respect in my self that I haven't just moved on. Even writing everything in this post I felt pathetic because everything is so obvious and looking me in the face as being so wrong and instead of taking action I've been sitting around 'stewing" on it all.
I guess I have stayed with him and this situation because its been convenient for me... because of being in a new country, no family, no friends I'd feel comfortable wonting to drag into my shit, and yep not wanting to be lonely.
Anyway... thank you. And its time for me to get real, take some action, make a plan and move on.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (26 November 2013):
 OP, hard truths and reality checks are in plentiful supply. What you need is the resolve to act on them.
The man is a harem builder and you and this woman have your designated roles. You are the well worn comfy pajamas and she is the exciting treat. Neither one of you are important to him as individuals.
Did I understand correctly that you'll be in his house alone for the next month? If so, then there is your silver lining. You have some much needed time and space for yourself in which to form and implement an exit strategy.
Do you have family back home you can contact for assistance? Can you scrape together enough money to buy a plane ticket back and stay with them? Do you have any income of your own? Use this time to gather up important documents, photos and the like. Perhaps send some of them over to family for safe keeping.
Do not tell him what you're doing and if he contacts you, you act as though everything is fine. You don't want him taking any action before you're ready.
In addition to the aforementioned services suggested by another aunt, you might consider a church group. Maybe they have volunteers who can help you in some way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2013): Sorry you're in this horrible situation, left with all this time to THINK, and he doesn't care enough to check on you...As for what he thinks or feels? He said it all before he left:"He looked at me and told me that he didn't love me and walked away and five days later hasn't contacted me and my calls go straight to voice mail. things weren't that bad between us for him to say that and behave this way."You know why he said that? Because his heart is not in it, his interest is elsewhere. If he LOVED YOU, he would make it a priority to keep you happy, to make you feel you're the one and only, and to be patient when you feel vulnerable or insecure about him having his ex in the picture. It's bad enough she is so much in the picture, talking to him 3 hours a day, but to actually stay at your place, while you are away, and he keeps that a secret, that says it all too!Sure, he kept it from you because of your reaction, but why should it even be a problem - because he is not true, honest, open and if you have trust issues, its brought on by how he behaves.Why should you walk on egg shells around him? Why must you be happy or keep him happy and not be able to share how you feel, and what you think? If you are scared, you should be able to express that, and if he really cared, he would hold you, and tell you everything is going to be ok, you will work on it, etc. not "I don't love you" walk away on a trip and not care to call, and have his phone off. Nice, not!!!You should pack, move to a family or friend's place, and stay there while you plan your next move. You are not crazy, you are not overthinking things. Nobody in their right mind would be happy in the situation you are in. If my boyfriend even had to have a "hello" from an ex, I would be worried, never mind a 3 hour daily talk, hidden visits, etc. That is NOT ACCEPTABLE.YOU have the control and power here, not him! When he comes back, things need to be drastically changed for him to realise it won't go on as before. If you're not home, and are not contactable for a few days, he will realise his mistake. He can't control you anymore. While at family or friends, get another place for yourself, and move on.You could have tried to talk and fix things, but he said he didn't love you anymore. You can't "un-say" that. It's your cue to move on. Taking him after that, is making yourself less than what you should be. The minute a guy told me that, I would be gone. Let him have the ex, or other exes - right now you only see the good you HAD, how it could be, how nice he treats his exes, but he is not considering your feelings. You can do so much better. Move on, one day you will see it as a blessing in disguise.Move out, get your own place, and cut off contact. Don't be in a triangle with the ex or any other woman. He is cruel and hurtful, saying what he did and leaving you to stew in it. He made his bed, now he can sleep in it alone.P.S. her phoning to "kindly" tell you about their night, could be her trying to break you up. He didn't deny it because it was done, but used the excuse of "your reaction". Instead of getting defensive, he should have shared what was really going on so it would be you two against the world, not you feeling like the 3rd wheel which he does to you.Don't regret anything, learn from this situation, and find someone who really loves YOU, and only YOU. You will be so much happier in future. Good LuckA
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (26 November 2013):
 If she is "just a friend" he would not continue to keep their interaction and meetings secret. If you are worried about your legal standing and that you could be kicked out seek advice from a lawyer, a social worker or a women's centre.
Don't be scared to stand your ground, and don't accept the crumbs from this man's table. If he cannot be honest with you then walk away, you know you deserve better for yourself.
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