A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,Just wanted to post something and get it off of my chest and hopefully get a better insight as to what is going on. So, my boyfriend and I have been with each other for nearly three years and get on great. We moved in a few months ago and everything seems pretty decent - no arguing, disagreements and we split things such as shopping and if we go out regaring food bills as we normally did before we moved in. However, I have noticed that our sexual activity has near enough stopped. When we first moved in, it was exciting and we engaged pretty normally with sex. Last week, I broke down a little and was really upset because we did not do anything in nearly a week and it made me worry that he was not interested in me anymore. I spoke to him about it and he assured that everything was okay, he found me attractive but he asked if I could initiate it a bit more as turning up in my pyjamas wasn't exactly a turn on for him. He mentioned that I had all this sexy lingerie, but I don't have all that many and it is nice to pull them out on special occasions.I also brought up that him playing games on his phone whilst in bed and with his back to me, does not exactly make me feel in the mood either and we agreed that perhaps we could both work on some stuff. He also said that there was nothing wrong with us not having sex for nearly a week. So, I did initiate it the last few times, but again, we are now looking at four days with no sexual interaction this week. I am happy to initiate it here and there, absolutely no problem with that. But the last three times, it has been me starting it and I don't find it totally fair that if I don't start anything, we don't have sex. I feel like that just switches the table where I am now asking him to initiate more too. Our sex life has always been great, but I just can't help but feel like he is losing interest even though he assures me all is good. I am 23 and he is 27, if that is anything to go by. Before we moved in, I was driving up to see him at the weekends and we were only having sex once a week. I thought, perhaps a little bit too ambitious now I think about it, that we would have it maybe twice or three times a week. It is just a little concerning to me and I can't seem to shake off the feeling that perhaps he is losing interest in me a little.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2022): Typo correction:
"He sees [your] box of sanitary napkins or tampons."
P.S.
Now he's aware that you have bodily-functions, and gross habits like other human beings. You now allow yourself to be comfortable in-front of him; maybe sometimes a little too much. It's a double-standard, but men get grossed-out when we see women do the same nasty disgusting stuff we do. Just FYI! Women are usually more civilized than we are. Not as a rule, but most of the time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2022): I have something more to add from a man's standpoint in such a situation. Once upon a time, when you lived separately, and had to schedule time to be together; by the time you were able to spend intimate time together, you were practically starved. Working around each-others work schedules, and having your own independent lives meant working around these things to finally get to each-other. When you were finally able to get together, you were like rabbits!
When you first move-in together, sex is like the greatest. You're both two kids in a candy store! You can get it whenever you want, as frequently as you want; and you always know by the end of a day that you'd be together. Then there's the "greed-factor!" The more available it is, the more you want it! This is true for both men and women.
Here's some good old-fashioned wisdom from experience; that a loving-parent will tell their son or daughter about intimacy. Once sex is always there, and easy to get; you'll over-indulge! You can indulge yourself; until you get so much, it becomes boring! Men and women do not mentally/emotionally process everything the same. Our sexual organs work differently; obviously, because they are constructed completely different. Thus the mindset about sex will be gender-specific.
A penis isn't much fun when it is flaccid. We men can't fake-it! It just hangs there, or flops around. You expect it to rise to the occasion; and you have visual-evidence to know he's aroused for you. The last thing a man wants his sex-partner to see, is when his member decides it doesn't feel like it today!!! It sometimes has a mind of its own!
As a woman, you will be insulted, disappointed, angry, or suspicious. As a man, it is better to be uninterested; than sit there unable to perform, with a stupid embarrassed look on your face. You don't have to worry about stuff like this. There doesn't always have to be "visible" evidence that you're aroused, although it helps tremendously. There is no telltale evidence that you're unable to perform. Sex can still happen, even if you're only allowing it to, just to pacify his needs. All you have to say is no, or you're not in the mood. For moral and legal reasons, he has to accept your rejection. In spite of his needs. Otherwise, if he knows he's not going to be able to perform at his best, he will avoid it. He doesn't want to see that look, or listen to slight about his performance. Men have a right to say "no" too. What rule says we don't??? It means we're not in the mood, not you're fat or ugly, he's no longer in love with you, or he's cheating. He's...just...not...in...the...mood!!!
He doesn't have to plead his innocence under cross-examination. He doesn't have to give you the reasons, which will get God-only-knows what kind of reaction from you!
Women think men want it all the time. Well, we probably think about it 20-100 times in the course of an hour; but our penis can't cash that check. Having sex with the same partner, over and over; will get routine and predictable, for both a man and a woman. It just happens. It's natures way of maintaining some natural birth-control. Letting things cool-off awhile allows the novelty to refresh itself, and the sexual-tension to build-up. You can't read his mind, or know how his body works. You just have to be patient sometimes in a relationship. Things aren't always predictable, or don't always happen exactly as expected.
And NO, you are not always adorable, and not always the greatest turn-on! Nobody is!!! Time to grow-up! This is what life in the real-world is like!
Try not to be angry with each-other. Consider all that Youcannotbeseries has suggested in her most excellent post.
Too much friction between you builds grudges and resentment; which comes back to remind you when it's time to be intimate. Now that you live together, he sees those things you hid from him when you lived separately. You can't wake-up in makeup and with your hair done every morning. You can't prance around in uncomfortable tight-fitting garments like you wear when you're going out on a date. You have to get comfortable, and let yourself go. He sees you bloat and swell when on your period. He sees you box of sanitary napkins or tampons. He knows when you need to shave. He's seeing all this now, and he realizes you're not always made-up or dressed-up like you're going out to party.
You may not mind seeing him in the same old greasy, armpit-stained tee-shirt four days out of the week, or the same pair of dirty jeans day after day. His face is scruffy, he wakes-up with bad-breath, and bead-head. He farts or belches out-loud! Now you see each-other like married-folk see each-other! Not always dressed to the nines, groomed, your nails done; his face clean-shaven, and sporting a fresh new haircut. Now you're you, and he's himself.
Women are not quite as visual as we men are. Not in the exact same way. Women are usually more forgiving. You're not conditioned by social standards to expect men to be well-kempt. Guys who are always meticulously groomed are suspected of being gay, or effeminate. You expect us to be sloppy, gross, and messy. The double-standard, under the constraints or scrutiny of social/gender-stereotypes.
Calmly discuss your needs under scented candle-light, good wine, with soft sexy-music in the background. Learn how to enjoy intimacy and physical-contact that doesn't always require intercourse. Explore all your erotic places, and make a little game of it. If either of you are not in the mood, make it a point to promise to make-it up to each-other. When you discuss intimacy-issues, always set the mood to be at-ease; and you can talk about anything. Like you did when you used to keep each-other up all night on your phones. Talking about everything that popped into your heads, back when you were dating.
Remember to always say something positive to each-other, remind each-other what it is you like so much about the other. Learn to be affectionate in different ways; it doesn't always have to lead to sex. If everybody is on the same page, and the sexual-tension is in the air; nature will take its course.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (9 July 2022):
 I've skimmed over the other replies and was horrified to see one suggesting you don't initiate sex and "see what happens". Let me tell you what will happen. You will both grow increasingly more resentful and the longer you go without having sex, the more difficult it will be for either of you to initiate it. DO NOT GO THERE. It is a no-win situation which will just drive you apart.
Quite a few thoughts came into my mind as I was reading your post. In no particular order:
Perhaps he has a lower sex drive than you do? As you only met up at weekends before moving in together, perhaps the amount of sex you had at that time was OK for him?
When you were only seeing each other at weekends, you did not have the day to day grind of living together. You know what I'm talking about. Hearing each other in the loo, seeing each other's dirty laundry and (perhaps) bad/dirty habits, not seeing "the best" of each other all the time. This in itself can dampen sex drive. Keeping a little mystery is always good (in my opinion).
While it should not be your "responsibility" to dress up to arouse him, I take on board his point about the pyjamas. Turn this around and consider how aroused you would be if he was lying there in off-white worn out y-fronts. Whether we like it or not, visual stimulation is important to a lot of men (and women). While you shouldn't need to dress up like a sex doll, equally you should leave slobbing around in tatty old pyjamas for when he is out or you are not bothered about having sex. It sounds like you have got into a bit of a rut.
It also sounds like there is a little resentment on both sides about sex. He accuses you of not making an effort while you accuse him of giving priority to his games. Keep the communication going and listen to each other's points, regardless of whether you think they are valid or not. To that person, they are important. Try to reach compromises on everything.
Last but not least, do you still "date"? Do you go out occasionally? Actually really TALK to each other, rather than sitting in front of the tv or messing with your phones? Make time each week to focus 100% on each other.
Now go and hug your man, whisper in his ear what you would like him to do to you and enjoy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2022): " I spoke to him about it and he assured that everything was okay, he found me attractive but he asked if I could initiate it a bit more as turning up in my pyjamas wasn't exactly a turn on for him. He mentioned that I had all this sexy lingerie, but I don't have all that many and it is nice to pull them out on special occasions."
Well, at least he didn't ignore you; and he gave you a feasible explanation. Did you expect things to all of sudden magically change?
"I am happy to initiate it here and there, absolutely no problem with that. But the last three times, it has been me starting it and I don't find it totally fair that if I don't start anything, we don't have sex. I feel like that just switches the table where I am now asking him to initiate more too."
You asked, he answered. If you're having a discussion about sexual-pleasure and affection; you had better learn how to negotiate with tenderness and sweetness. You can't throw things up in his face and make an argument over sex!!! He has to have a desire for it. He apparently likes it, when you're more aggressive, and it takes the pressure off whether you're up for it or not. It's usually the man who has to beg for it. Well, times have changed! The shoe is on the other foot!
Those things we love to do, if done too much, the appeal starts to decline. The action becomes repetitive, or routine. Males have to get and maintain an erection; and thus more pressure is on a man to perform sexually than for a woman. It's not just a matter of who initiates it.
Men are not machines. You need to educate yourself about our anatomy and how it works. There does come a time in every relationship when your sex-life will plateau and decline. There are many factors that may affect his, or your, sex-drive. Sexually, you will not always be "in-sync." He will not always want it, or will not always want it when you want it; and vice versa.
If you need sex particularly as some form of "validation" to make you feel desired; then you need to find various other means of validation from your partner. News flash! Just because he's a man, doesn't mean he can be switched on and off like a battery-operated sex-toy. Yes, we men love sex; but we can also get our fill. You can go at it, and overdo it; until you wear-out all the novelty and excitement in it. It then becomes too routine, like a chore, or boring. Yes, I said...boring! Part of the fun and appeal was when it wasn't always so readily available. You can't eat ice cream everyday, you can't shop every single day. Sometimes the penis needs a break. You don't have one, so you won't understand what that means. If pushed beyond it's limits; it decides on it's own that it will not cooperate. That's humiliating!
It doesn't help when you "guilt" people into performing sex. If they're tired, just want to sleep, feel stressed-out, or just need a break; you just have to backoff and wait. This is the reversed-role scenario; when usually we get men complaining they aren't getting enough. I would suggest the more tender approach. You don't approach it with whining, nagging, or complaining, or mean snarky little insults. You're talking about sex here! Do you want to turn him on, or piss him off???
If you initiate it, and he's not up for it; then you'll have to let it rest. If days/weeks go by, and still nothing. Ask him if he is masturbating to porn? Either he will admit it, or he will deny it. In any case, without evidence you have no choice; but to let it rest, and consider the fact there are many reasons yet to be revealed and "discussed." Not argued!!!
Snuggle and ask for body massages in the mean-time. Ask him to play with your hair, or just wait until he decides to start initiating it again. If he has told you he likes it when you initiate; then it's up to you to listen and comply. Or, you can be grumpy and pout. I can guarantee you, being mad about it will not help the situation at all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2022): testing
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2022): He may be losing interest.
He may be watching too much porn.
He may be stressed otherwise and letting this anxiety spill over into your personal life.
The fact that he expects YOU to be sexy and do stuff to excite him really points to immature POV when it comes to sex. That’s why I thought about porn. The majority of porn you can find gives a total unrealistic interpretation of women’s sexuality. Women are shown as dolls who should do anything to excite their partners and help them finish. Maybe you should guide him towards porn that is more realistic and that shows men giving their best to turn on women, satisfy them AND be excited by it themselves.
Of course, there’s a possibility that he needs more stimulation and that this scares him, because any (negative) changes in sexual arousal for men are mortifying.
Also, moving in with someone can be stressful even if everything sems great. I’m sorry to sound harsh, but maybe he’s just realizing that “this is it” for him. This is not a very sexy thought. Some people just need some time to realize that this is something that they not only wanted to do, but that makes them happy.
I would try NOT initiang and see what happens. You need to know how things really are. And one word of advice, love and desire are REAL regardless of the things you're wearing. When somebody wants you, he wants you pyjamas and all. Is he prancing around in male thong? Stripping from time to time to turn you on?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2022): As a male who’s been in this same situation I can offer some suggestions as to why he might seem disinterested as I did.
Is there a performance issue at all? There was a period of time where I was under heavy stress at work and it effected me in the bed, I had trouble getting aroused and staying aroused, and no matter what my wife said to console me, I still felt like I was leaving her unsatisfied to the point where I was nervous to have sex because I didn’t want to let her down. So I avoided it.
Maybe he’s taking in new challenges at work or in the family where there’s so much going on in his head that unfortunately sex takes a lesser role.
Has he gained a bit of weight recently or anything that may have him feeling self conscious?
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