A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My sister is 6 years older than me. We have always been close but these recent years have been rocky. She's had some substance abuse problems which has changed her personality. She's become a liar and I've heard from outside sources that she has been talking about me to her friends. I stick around with her because I'm the only one who's encouraging her to get help for her addiction. But recently I'm reaching my last straw. I've been knowing a guy since my high-school years.He is one year older. We started dating on and off casually and I'm really starting to like him.He says feels the same. When me and this guy had a falling out a while back she started dressing really revealing and walking by his house constantly. We all live in the same community and he's the only single guy around. Eventually me and this guy made up and started seeing eachother again.Me and him were resolving and argument one night and he got suspicious and asked me what was going on with my sister. I asked him what he meant and he said why is she being so nice to him all of a sudden? She never said hi to him now she constantly says hi. He asked me if I think he is stupid!I told him I had no idea why she was doing that and we changed the subject.I confronted my sister about it jokingly and she got upset and said he was lying that she never speaks to him. She said she was going to confront him an make a scene which raised a red flag to me. I wondered why she got so defensive.From that moment she hated him. She bad mouthed him constantly and said he was a player and he was a jerk and was looking at her friend and being vulgar which doesn't seem like him at all. I've known him over 6 years. But I listened to her and broke it off. He said he didn't understand why I cut him off and he begged me to meet with him to sort things out. He came by and as we were talking my sister knocks on my door. He told her i was coming to open.She was surprised to see him. I invited her in and he said hi to her and he told her that his friend had a crush on her. He said "I guess one day you got dressed up and he thought you were pretty", he wants to take you out sometime. My sister shrugged it off but asked me to ride with her to the store alone. She told me she was offended that he insinuated she was only pretty when she was dressed up. She was livid actually. She said I was keeping "secrets because I was meeting up with him and didn't tell her we connected again. I feel it's none of her business.I told her I didn't think he meant it that way but I'd talk to him. He is naturally a very blunt person.When I spoke to him he said he meant no harm he spoke before he thought. He asked me to apologize on his behalf.After that night she started watching his every move and telling me when his car was there who was going in and out of his home ext. She said she was spying to keepn tabs for me but I never asked her too .I thought she just likes to gossip maybe?I started to get uncomfortable with telling her anything about him. He asked me to be exclusive last week and I said let's take it slow. When she found out we took the next step she immediately encouraged me to be with him and that he's a great guy and we are perfect together! But also accused my best friend of being interested in him and told me to cut off my best friend! I'm suspicious she's happy for us because first she hated him now she is supportive and accuses my best friend who lives in another city of being interested in him?The guy says that my sister doesn't speak to him anymore at all which he finds weird because she use to be really chatty. I don't see why he would lie about this.Or what his motive would be to tell me this.Since she was happy for us I thought I could tell her about our cute moments and gush over the new romance a little. But now she's really dry when I bring him up as if she doesn't want to engage in it. Now I'm thinking if she did like him and us hiding it. I don't know who to trust or what to do. If I confront her she will blow up. Should I confront him ? Her or both together?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2022): Thank you for all your responses. I've decided to distance myself from my sister as her behavior continues to get worse and more disrespectful to my relationship. Hopefully we can work it out in the future. Right now I'm just trying to gain clarity without her negative influence.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2022): Edit typos:
"Not for the better, but for the worse."
"[Their] rehabilitation and recovery comes in progressive stages."
"[They] may use your empathy and compassion to take advantage of you."
P.S.
Don't have an "angry-confrontation" with either of them. Have a civilized and informative-conversation with them separately; to express your truth, and intentions.
At this point, you have no right to go-off on anybody; if you were naive enough to let your sister abuse your trust. If you don't trust him, that's strictly between him and you. Your distrust for her, is strictly between her and you; based on the evidence of her behavior and actions that you actually know to be factual. If she blows-up when you try to have a civilized conversation; end it, and all contact at that instance. She's the one in recovery from addiction and needing support, not you.
If you're placing faith in a former drug-addict, who is giving you updates on your ex; that flaw is in your own character, not theirs.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2022): You're dealing with a person suffering from a drug-addiction problem. That will be her struggle for the rest of her life. You're also dealing with a person who is blood-related; and she could be using that connection in a way to manipulate and confuse you. Her intent is to cause a rift between you and the guy; because he ratted her out. Drug-addiction and living a hard-life changes people. Not for the better, for but for the worse. It has a demonic-hold over people, that changes loving kind-people into paranoids, liars, and thieves. Truly rehabilitated people live a life of rebuilding bridges, seeking redemption, and forgiveness. They want to reinstate trust into to their lives, and absolve themselves of their past troubles.
Just because they stop using drugs doesn't necessarily mean they are good-people, or are themselves again. There rehabilitation and recovery comes in progressive stages. That is yet to be proven; and it should be required before they regain any trust. The may use your empathy and compassion to take advantage of you. They survive on their wits and cunning; because drugs dull all their usual survival-skills.
Your sister probably still secretly uses; but you can't blame everything on drugs. She also has her own personality, character-flaws, and quirks. From your description of all the events regarding this guy; she IS, for certain, an opportunist!!! She failed to get his attention; and she resents that he told you about her odd behaviors. Addicts hate a snitch! It truly seems that she is putting on a face for you; but he and others have exposed her for who she truly is behind your back.
Deep-down inside, you know she can't be trusted; but out of love, you're trying to be compassionate and supportive. Don't stop being compassionate, she's still your sister. You have to use common sense in conjunction with your emotions. Emotions will make us drop our proper defenses; and makes us susceptible to manipulation and deception. See her for who she is, not for whom you wish she was.
Your sister is not some wayward-teenager; I speculate that she is a conniving and manipulative-woman. She is in, or approaching, her 40's. She knows what's-up, and she has been around the block; and she seems to be using your love and trust against you.
You shouldn't base your relationship with your sister strictly on the connection between you and this man. That's separate. He's not officially your boyfriend, from what you're depicting in your post. You seem to be seeing him on and off; but every-time there's some kind of disagreement between you, she's somehow in the shadows or somewhere in the middle of things. You can't seem to trust either one of them!
I suppose she is purposely being a wedge between the two of you; to keep you from finding someone to love you. Probably, out of jealousy and a hidden resentment. Often, addicts feel everyone looks down on them; and they can form a deep-seated bitterness, even towards those who want to help them. They'll put-on a facade of gratitude. Sometimes that's a way to maintain your trust; so they can somehow use you, or deceive you in some way.
I think you and this guy need to discuss this matter between you. Make up your mind; if you're a thing, or not! Make sure he is reminded that she is your sister; but you won't tolerate games from neither of them. If he's interested in her, leave you alone. Stop going back and forth with him! Either trust him, or dump him! Be decisive. Letting this all revolve around drama is a waste of everybody's time; and it's immature, to say the least. If you've broken-up for good, what he's doing is no longer any of your business, no matter what your sister tells you. She's just being a trouble-maker! Time to tell her to keep what she knows to herself!
As for your sister? Unless you live with this woman; love her from a distance, and place the burden on her to work to regain your trust. If you do live together, I suggest you find your own place; or suggest that she moves-out at some point. You cannot share a life next to people who do things behind your back. Their cohabitation is too close for comfort; and leaves you vulnerable to their schemes and backstabbing. If she can't afford to live alone, maybe she should apply for social benefits. Which should also include counseling and drug rehabilitation.
Forgiver her for the things that she has done in the past, but make it clearly known to her that you no-longer trust her. Also let her know that is her fault, and nobody else's. Remind her that you will always love her; but that doesn't always mean you also trust her. She is your flesh and blood; but that's not just your responsibility to always remember, it's hers as well.
I suggest, if you don't live together, you should minimize dealing with her; because I suspect she doesn't have your best interest at-heart. Drugs aren't completely to blame. It's strictly a matter of character and personality. She gossips about you to her friends. You're now both adults, you're no longer teenage-sisters; and she isn't the person she used to be. Even if she has been rehabbed from her drug-addiction. Believe what you see with your own eyes, and hear with your own ears.
Maintain love and compassion for her; but trust should be earned and cherished. She isn't entitled to it, just because she is your sister. Relatives can be as dangerous as total strangers.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2022): You do not have to stop loving or caring about your sister (you never should), but you need to stop trusting her. From everything you say she is up to no good. Even if she does not have a grand plan to take your BF she is definitely causing trouble for no good reason.
You need to communicate openly and often with your BF if you guys want to stick together and do not let the sister get in between you. I have been through this in the BF role dating the good sister and the bad sister aggressively coming on to me, interfering with our relationship out of jealousy, and trying to manipulate her sister.
Even though my GF understood her sister was bad news and could see through some of it her compassion led to some serious mistakes. Letting her join us for dates and spend lots of time with us hanging out sort of made it seem like I was dating both of them when in my mind I was not. It caused me a lot of stress and awkward situations even though I was always faithful.
I don't know if this will work for you, but my girl and I decided on zero contact between me and her sister. It sounds harsh but her sister proved she could not respect our boundaries and was on a mission. So now, our time is our time without the sister tagging along to stir up trouble. Their sister time is for them and I just do something else.
I am not saying your BF is perfect. I am not perfect. But you go with track record most of the time. Who has a history of lying and manipulation? Who has been open and transparent and truthful? Your gut instinct seems to tell you it is not your sister.
Good luck to your and your guy. Hope your sister finds some peace and happiness somehow as well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2022): I don’t know what to tell you.
Guys come and go, but family problems stay. Just because you’re blood doesn’t mean that you have to put up with her. You need to deal with her. She’s jealous of you. Period. She will do things to hurt you and it’s not the addiction; It’s her.
After 4 decades of trying to have a better relationship with my sister, I finally did what was good for me – cut her out of my life. Believe me it was incredibly hard! I had wanted to do it for 20 years before I actually gathered my courage to do it. Unlike your sister, mine didn’t have any substance problems. She is just a narcissist, and my parents did nothing about it. They always wanted me to take care of her and put my needs in the 5th place. She’s never had a proper bf, let a lone a partner or a husband because nobody was ever good for her. She ran after rich, famous, unavailable men and had no quibble about trying to insert herself into their relationships/marriages. She did horrible things to partners/husbands of some of her female friends (and family). She had never been interested in them, she just wanted to see if she could get a reaction from them. On three occasions she had acted inappropriately with my husband who always told her to keep her hands of him and to seek therapy, that she was sick! He told me straight away what she had done and he even told my parents. And you know what? They believed him, but there was always an excuse, like she was lonely, she didn’t know what she was doing (if you grab somebody’s derriere you know damn well what your doing!) and the last time it happened they even went on to tell him that they know about some other cases where she did the same thing.
I truly believe that we have the right to cut of toxic people from our lives even if they are family members who are sick. At some point, when you did all you could and there’s no improvement whatsoever, we have the right to put ourselves first!
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