A
female
age
36-40,
*cegal
writes:My boyfriend and I have been attached for half a year now. We started off as colleagues 3 years back and he has been courting me since then but we just got together recently. The reason why I did not accept him earlier is because of his religion and diet. His family is very devoted. He is heavily involved in his religion, attending every religious classes, going for religious practices etc.His family is pure vegetarian due to religion. I am ok with it if I am not required to convert or not required to be a vegetarian. The only issue I have with him is the amount of religious commitment. He understands it and told me he will work to narrow our gap. After we got together, he has been changing his religious schedules, attending just a few religious classes. He also changed a bit of his diet, eating from non-vegetarian restaurants( special request for vegetarian dishes). All this while, he did not force or ask me to go to his religious meetings etc. He lets me eat whatever food I want. Our character, hobbies etc fits perfectly well and we are able to get along very well. Until recently, he told me he might not be able to work out for the diet part. If we were to marry, I have to convert and to be a full vegetarian as his mother's prayer hall will be passed to him in the future. He does not want to ruin my future happiness so he chose to let me go because the success rate of things working out is very low. From what I see, I do not think he is very staunch. I feel the reason why he is so heavily involved in religious activities is because of his mother (he is the only child) and because he feels its his responsibility. If not, he wouldn't have gone to less religious classes just to accommodate me. I asked him before if he enjoys going to these classes, he says no its just his responsibility. But now he tells me his ideal is to have a family with same religion and diet. Even though he did not force me to convert, he has hoped for me to slowly change to believe in his religion. I was upset and insulted as I think love should be unconditional,if he loves me he should accept me as a whole. I cannot accept how a perfect relationship ends because of religion.This incident left me feeling very confused trying to understand what he is thinking.1. Does he love me? He has been very caring to me, better than I could have imagined. I know he treats me dearly in his heart. But I cannot understand why he expects me to convert and to change my diet if he loves me so much. Would he let someone he spent 2 years courting go due to his religious ideals?2. I am not sure if he knows what he is thinking. I personally do not think he is very staunch. He does not preach about his religion and did not force me to convert. He told me he also thinks there are too many religious activities. That is why I do not think he will expect me to convert. I asked if it is due to his mother's influence or his responsibilities. He told me it is his mother and also his ideal to have a family with the same religion and diet, if not there are bound to be arguments in the future. I was quite shocked that he think this way.3. If he has expected me to slowly convert or change my diet, shouldn't he do something at the start to encourage me to change. Yet he did not do anything at all, how can he silently expect me to change in the future?4. The idea of converting to his religion did cross my mind long time ago. However, I read up on his religion and I do not agree with some of the beliefs. Hence I told him before its impossible for me to convert. And now our relationship is broken due to religion, how will I have faith in his religion. But yet he still thinks nothing is impossible, there is a possibility I will convert in the future.Both of us are very upset with the breakup. He even asked me what I think he should do.I want to salvage the relationship, I want to understand what he is thinking, I want to help him. But how can I help him if he doesn't even know what he is thinking. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2012): I cant believe when I read your post...we both are in the same boat...
The guy that I liked sooo much and we know each other for long time ago...is Muslim..I am Catholic...Convert is not my option..to be honest...and YES..The religion comes FIRST in those cases.. I know from my friend MOUTH...very long explanation about but ANY WOMAN can not take that place..and is not worth to fight against that.
Huge cultural differences....the food..the schedules..the prayers...I know exactly what you mean..I can feel your pain and sadness.. but you have the decision in your own hand. If he told you already he might not be able to "fix" somethings..He is being honest with you and you just should to move on.
A
female
reader, Icegal +, writes (20 May 2012):
Icegal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,He is very attached to his mother because he is the only child. But from what he says it seems that it is also his ideal to have a family with the same beliefs to avoid conflicts in the future. His converting means changing of lifestyle, if not diet (full vegetarian) at the very least.I asked him a question before is religion his top priority.He did not give a clear answer, he just says both religion and his future family are important.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 May 2012):
 I grew up Catholic and I could tell you no one sitting church really knows what went on on Jesus' Passion day, and what happens after death. You can recite the Nicene's Creed thousands of times. It does not mean you are converted. You can say you believe in something and not question so that you stay in the religion. I think the bible has many wise passages, but how can a big thick book written by many people throughout the ages not contradict itself? People can say they are born again Christians and then commit adultery and murder. I look at your ages I see that he can still be flexible and he is afraid of his mother. I don't know how your culture is. Are young people more individual and rebellious now? Is he one of the last ones left? He may soften up if he realizes that he is minimizing his choices for a mate for being so strict. He expects you to convert because if you didn't the marriage would be illegitmate and your kids would be illgetimate. Ask him does converting mean a formal initiation or does it mean a entire change of a lifestyle? Sometimes love is a decision. People decide whether they put love into it, until they know that person is a suitable mate. If he is ready to let you go because of a religion issue then truly he is not worth it. Okay you broke up already. I know it is hard to move on when you are not clear about his love for you. If he is not fighting for you just assume that he did not really love you because religion comes first.
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A
female
reader, diamondshards  +, writes (20 May 2012):
Interesting situation. I think you're focusing a lot on 'why he is so religious', whether it's his true desire or just to appease his mother- I get it, it's normal for you to try and understand that. The main point, though, from my perspective, is that he is really into his religion- for whichever reason that may be, it doesn't change things much for you. He is so hell bent on it that, after just six months together, he's already talking about the fact you have to convert and adopt his diet if you two want to work out in the long run. First off, it seems to me quite premature to start talking about marriage after such a short time together, let alone a marriage under the condition of you converting to a religion you don't believe in. You state that it's impossible for you to convert, he states that he needs for you to do that if you want to have a future together- that seems quite a deal breaker to me. The possibility of your relationship recovery is hanging onto the possibility of your conversion- which I personally think speaks volumes about how he really feels toward you. Maybe he does love you, only you can be sure of that, but his possible love for you is not strong enough for him to accept your beliefs- or lack thereof. {I would, anyway, have strong doubts about the feelings of a guy who, as he said, hoped you'd change, that HE'd change you from the very start of your relationship.}Would he let someone he spent two years courting go due to his religion? It appears to me that he already did let you go, supposedly because 'he didn't want to ruin your chances at happiness', which probably means he did not want to ruin his. You state he did not force you to convert, but he really did- not violently, clearly, but he did drop an ultimatum 'if you can't convert, we can't get married, so you know what? Better call it quits now because it's not going to work out. Unless you do convert, of course'. I'm sorry, but this seems very far from a perfect relationship to me- he's clearly been wanting for you to change to accomodate his needs from the start, with little to no consideration for you nor flexibility. Unless you sincerely change your mind about his beliefs and honestly accept his religion -which seems quite unlikely from what you said-, I don't really see how this relationship can be salvaged. {He probably doesn't even deserve this much effort if you ask me, but I'm aware you'll feel differently}.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2012): Sorry but I think you're being naive here. After all if you think love should be unconditional and you should accpet the person as a whole then his amount of religous commitment shouldn't bother you.Relationships only really work well if both people share the same beliefs, morals and values. Your boyfriend has realised that your differences are already beginning to get to both of you and eventually it will make you unhappy and drive you apart. For example you eating meat and him vegetables may not bother you at all, as you have no moral views on it. For him it may be an unpleasant experience, constantly reminding him you don't care about what he does. If you did have a family things would only get worse.NEITHER of you (that includes him) should have to change yourselves in a drastic way or go against what you believe in. Having to force yourself to be someone else is only going to lead to resentment.I think he does love you but he also doesn't want to be unhappy by living a life he doesn't agree with. Love is not unconditional.You both can either try and reach a compromise you're both happy with (e.g if the diet is the main issue then perhaps you could agree to reduce the amount you eat or avoid certin types of meat). Or you break up, knowing that in the long run it wouldn't have worked out anyway.
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