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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm so very insecure when it comes to my body. I don't know, I think this maybe has turned into an anxiety disorder like OCD or something. I can't stop comparing myself to other women who look better, whether on the street, the mall, the beach, whatever, and of course on TV magazines, everything. Just about everything is filled up with gorgeous women displayed as sexual, with their big boobs and big round cellulite-free butts! Needless to say I'm not like that! I have small boobs, I have a not so round butt with a lot of cellulite. I'm not fat, but there are things that I just can't change through exercise and eating well (like my horrible face, for instance, or my small boobs).This has cause havoc in my relationship. I've tried counselling but it didn't work (maybe 'cause I was with a male therapist), and it's too embarrassing for me to open up about this even if it's to a therapist. But the thing is, I just can't feel pretty or confident or ignore these images and real life women, especially around my boyfriend. Unlike other insecure women, I'm not beautiful. I don't get told I'm beautiful (sometimes the opposite, actually), guys don't look at me, I'm just average - AT BEST! When I've talked about this with my boyfriend and he's been kind (most of the time he doesn't have the patience to handle it and I can't blame him) he just tells me "Well, nobody's perfect and I love you for other things, not because of your looks", which is bittersweet. It's great that he loves me for me, and that he's not shallow, but it's also a huge blow to my sexual ego that I'm just not that hot in his eyes.I hate watching TV with him, I hate that he watches porn, I can't stand his celebrity crushes, even some of his female friends I see as threats, simply because they're better looking. I don't know what to do. I try rationalizing it, but it doesn't work. And like I said, I already tried counselling to no avail. I don't know, I just hate all these sexual images that are everywhere! I don't mean porn, which is something that is done privately and it's ok. But lingerie catalogs, for instance. Not everyone has enourmous implants! Lingerie is for women, shouldn't they use more realistic models so one gets a good idea of how the pieces actually look like when worn by a real woman? Or the VS lingerie fashion show on TV, that's not for women, it's for men! What woman would ever wear a diamond studded bra? I feel so bad, because while yes, these images are just fantasy and we should just ignore it's hard. I'm a woman, I have my ego, I want to feel sexy but if these images are put on display and you get a chance of comparing yourself to them and falling short every time, well... how do they expect us to simply ignore it and stop comparing ourselves? Women are hardwired to compare themselves to everyone. I don't know what to do, I can't take it. I didn't choose my genes, if I could've I would've chosen a hot body and face. Sure looks are fleeting, but nobody likes being ugly, and sadly I've received enough feedback from enough and diverse people to know I'm downright unattractive. What can I do, I'm desperate and my boyfriend is sick of it. I just hate it when he sees hot women on TV, since it's obvious he's more attracted to them. It's like I'm an old Honda Civic... think of it like that's all he could afford... but that doesn't mean he wouldn't love to have a Lamborghini. It doesn't mean he prefers the Honda, it just means that was all he could get.
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female
reader, LallaZine  +, writes (3 February 2010):
 I'm guessing you're a fellow Brit? Im not sure, but I can always tell by the way people post their comments. There's something about our dry sense of humour that is unmistakable. Maybe you weren't joking when you mentioned then Honda Civic thing....but, you should go into stand up comedy because what you said was funny (maybe unintentionally) but on the flip side it is very wrong and personally I think you're being cruel to yourself. You are making your self feel worse, no doubt, and you and the other person who posted anonymously about being 'ugly' have left me feeling upset. Not for me, but for you.
One thing I will tell you now, is that life is too short, it really is. I know that now. If people have put this idea into your head, then they are the one's with the issues. Some people are very very sly when it comes to any form of brainwashing, believe me Ive been there. You can go around believing something your whole life, because if what other people have said to you. Meanwhile, they carry on oblivious with their lives. What is your boyfriend's attitude to your insecurities? Because, although we can't rely on other people to make us feel good, it is vital to surround yourself with positive people. If he is positive and upbeat and also encouraging, that's great. If he's the opposite...re-assess your relationship. Girls who feel and talk the way you do often attract the wrong men because of their low-self esteem and it's only when you start to improve upon it, that you will see clearly and realise that he is the lucky one. Maybe he's the Nissan Micra lol. Maybe in this case Im wrong, he's probably encouraging etc. It's not fair of me to assume and of course Im joking about the nissan. Seriously though, you do have a sense of humour there and that is a great thing. You also come across as very intelligent and opinionated, it's a real shame that you feel the way you do. I wish you all the best of luck and if you ever want to talk, just msg me, your story really affected me because of personal experience and I'm sure I'll be thinking about it while Im at work today lol . You should try CBT - cognitive behavioural therapy, it doesn't work for everyone but changing the way you think changes the way you feel. That's the key.
I agree with your comments about things that are sexualised, it seems that there is so much pressure it's unbelievable. I hate it.
If someone else has ever called you 'ugly' or similar....I think they are scum. Im sorry. No human being has the right to say that about another one. It's not all about looks anyway there are a lot of people who are ugly on the inside and can fool everyone that they are super beautiful by applying make up etc. Like I said it's all about deception...and I have the feeling you have been deceived as to how you look. You have to stop comparing yourself to other people in the street. They are not better than you. Start believing in yourself. Was there ever a time when you didn't think the way you do now? When you started thinking the way you do....what caused it? or rather, who?
Anyway, like I said Im here to talk. Good luck and have a nice day whatever you're up to. Try to surround yourself with positive people and block out negative thoughts with something that makes you feel chilled out, reading (not a shallow magazine though)...listening to music etc. take care
x
P.s. if you're american and I called you a Brit in the beginning....im sorry, it was just me guessing lol.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): But I'm ugly, and being ugly sucks... I don't want to girn and bear it and laugh about the fact that there are women he considers hotter... being ugly hurts me, it just hurts me I cry sometimes. It sucks. Not even average people can understand just how much it sucks to be ugly. And I'm not imagining it... as I said, a lot of people have called me ugly, and nobody ever tells me I'm pretty, all guys before my boyfriend rejected me and no guy ever looks at me on the street. I'm ugly.
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A
female
reader, AllieC.88  +, writes (2 February 2010):
Hi, I know what you are going through. I had and maybe still have body issues also. Maybe you can try a female therapist if the male one is really not working for you. You know what helped me a little bit was bekrim(sp) yoga. Its yoga in a hot room. There are no levels and you just do it to release stress and it helps your body also. Or you can do some basic workout at home. You seem to have a nice boyfriend, but you should not keep bringing up your insecurities because it will bother him in the long run. Confidence is beautiful. Do something that makes you feel smart. Surround yourself with good friends that will boost your confidence. I hope it all works out for you. =) smile and laugh everyday.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): Hey there.
The low self esteem thing is all in your head. I, as a guy, think it's ridiculous too that all those woman are standing there with their 'perfect' bodies. But don't think they haven't got any problems though. The beautiful thing about you is your personality. Those women on tv and in the magazines haven't got such a personality. And the thing about the boobs.. Well. Everyone's shaped differently. I must admit that I fall for small boobs. Not every guy wants hot big boobs and a girl that looks like a supermodel. If you manage to look at the good things of yourself, instead of the bad, you might be able to work your self esteem up. So don't go 'My face is so ugly..'; Instead say 'Wow.. I have really pretty eyes', and so on.
You say you're not fat. You should feel blessed. Many people would kill to be thin. And you're thin! See it from the bright side.
Also, porn. Well every guy watches it. It's just a male thing I guess. Haha. Even if you've got a girlfriend that looks like one out of those movies. You'd still watch it.
Hope you can do something with.. well. this 'Answer' I guess.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 February 2010):
 If I were you I would develop a sense of humor. Focusing on your body so much is not going to help. Insecurity is unattractive. Men like women who can laugh at life. Laughter is contagious and it makes people want to be close to you. Learn to use make up. It does wonder.
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