A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a relatinship for 6 years with a guy (tom)I work with. He loves me very much. We have been living together for about 5 years.12 years ago, I lived in a different city and was dating a different guy but it wasn't a sane relationship. During that time, this friend I had turned into a crush, turned into a full blown affair. I wasn't the one that initiated the first move, he (bob) did. Our fling lasted over a year. I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend and wanted bob to do the same, but he kept saying he needed more time. I couldn't stay and wait, so I moved, but never stopped thinking about him. I don't think a day passed by since I stopped thinking about him in 12 years. Recently, we reconnected online (I searched him out). I found out that he was now single and that he too had thought about me through the years. Needless to say, old feelings came rushing back on both ends. For all intents and purposes, Tom and I are 'married'. We share finances, real estate, and everything straight couples do, except for the marriage license and kids. Although we don't work in the same department. Tom can make it to where I am downsized at work, especially since we've been through about 5 rounds of layoffs now.I do love Tom, but I need to find out what might have been with Bob. I know I can't recapture the past, but it sure as hell seems easy talking to Bob on the phone. We're planning on meeting up soon. I'm torn. I lead a good life. I can't really complain. There are a few things that bother me about Tom. We never have sex and when we do, I initiate it. I'm a gay man having sex with my partner once every four or five months! When we do, it's not really fun. I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore, but I do really care for him. There's little to no romance. But, he is a good guy. What he lacks for in the bedroom, he makes up by doing stuff around the house and is very generous.I am scared to see Bob, but I need to. I am so confused!I've never stopped thinking about him and I don't think I EVER will unless I see him. I thought I just needed closure from Bob, but I'm quickly learning that I want more than that. How should I proceed with this? What should I do to protect my career and shield Tom from as much pain as possible?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Who +, writes (26 April 2009):
 Well, I can’t address many aspects of your question but since no one else has answered in 2 days, I will try with the parts of the question I think I understand.
First, try watching the movie “Dona Flor and Her Two Husbands” (Dona Flor e Seus Dois Maridos, Brazil, 1976) It does not have a solution for your problem, but it is about your problem.
“We share finances, real estate, and everything straight couples do, except for the marriage license and kids.”
Good plan; your situation is complex enough. Adding a marriage license and kids would make it unbelievable complex.
“Tom can make it to where I am downsized at work,…”
I take that back, maybe it is unbelievable complex already.
“[Bob and I] planning on meeting up soon.”
Danger! Danger Will Robinson!
“I'm a gay man having sex with my partner once every four or five months!”
Well, that’s not something you hear every day. But you do hear it all the time with straight couples that have been together for a while. I’ll give the same advice always given to the not-getting-enough half of straight couples: work to put a little romance back in your relationship. The things you used to do while dating? Do them again. Buy a present for no reason. Get some sexy clothes. Have a romantic night out. Go away from the weekend (gay friendly hotels and B&Bs can be found on-line.) Talk to him about what he is interested in and listen. Find a new way each day to tell him how great he is and how much you love him. (You are going to have to pick and chose from the above list what might work for you two.)
“I thought I just needed closure from Bob, but I'm quickly learning that I want more than that. How should I proceed with this? “
Do you enjoy cliff diving, riding motorcycles without a helmet, and working with live, high voltage wires? How about scattering land mines around your home and waiting to see which one you forget about first? Because that is the level of risk you are dealing with trying to run two relationships at once. I certainly do not know how to proceed with this, but many people do and some pull it. Others let the two people they can’t decide between make the decision for them. They wait until the two find out about each other and stay with the one they can make up with. Assuming they can.
“What should I do to protect my career and shield Tom from as much pain as possible?”
Don’t see Bob. Or end it with Tom as best you can, telling him your relationship has evolved to where it is not giving you what you need. Say you are sorry and hope there are no hard feelings. Don’t tell him about Tom until much later, and keep your fingers crossed about work.
Best of luck and sorry I could not be more helpful.
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