A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I want to know if I’m crazy for being totally blindsided by this breakup. I went on a date with this great guy about a year ago. Then we were talking, hung out together with our kids. And definitely had a connection. Then while I was out of town for a family emergency, I got back to find out he’s back with his ex. Over the next six months they break up and get back together 3x! I stayed out of it, saw him around occasionally and was polite. There were no hard feelings, except that when he told me - he said “I wasn’t sure where you were at, so I made the decision to get back with her.” (Was that red flag, I don’t know). Fast forward to a couple months ago, they are officially broken up and he wants to start seeing me. We take it VERY slow. I mean, we haven’t even had sex or anything, just getting to know each other. Going on great dates, having good conversations. It was going well. We meet each other families, have thanksgiving together. Then on Friday I bring him leftovers and we hug and say goodbye. That same day he sends me a long text that he’s apprehensive and scared to get hurt. We talk about it. (Also a couple weeks ago he was grieving the relationship he lost with his ex that he thought they would have had). On Saturday he sends me a crazy story of some drama that happened Friday night with girl he used to date. On Monday he has a migraine. And he’s barely texting. I’m being patient, he asked me to be. We talked about so much, and have such a great time together. It just feels easy. Still not intimate, but my last relationship (two years ago) was an abusive one, so I don’t mind taking it slow. Anyway, he had to come by and fix my AC (he’s the maintenance guy), and I haven’t heard from him since Monday. I asked if he’s mad at me and he crinkles his face and says “we just don’t talk, you know. We don’t really talk.” At that point I’m also working from home and had to get on a work call, but was heartbroken. I felt so disconnected from him after all this apprehension and now he says we don’t talk. I went into flight mode thinking he just broke up with me, and I’m only finding out because my AC broke. So I send him a text when I don’t hear from him. And it explained why I haven’t been in touch the past couple days, (stomach ache, being patient ) and said “I’m not here to convince you otherwise , I’m just sad.” His response “I gotta be honest, I wanted to talk more but “I’m not here to convince you otherwise speaks volumes to me. “ and broke things off officially. And then tried to school me on communication. When he hasn’t even been in touch with me and I had no idea what was going on in his head. It just feels like he has some healing to do and I’m trying not to carry this one. But it was such a promising relationship and it is just gone now. He didn’t even want to try to understand what I meant. He said I brushed his feelings away like they don’t matter. When I was responding from a place of hurt. So now it’s over. And there’s no fixing it. My question is… would that be a deal breaker for someone who really wanted to be with me? Or a chance to communicate? This was our first disconnect. And I think that’s what hurts and is frustrating. He wouldn’t even give it a chance. And everything else has been amazing.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 December 2022):
 I would add this OP,
Don't introduce someone you are dating until you have been dating long enough that you KNOW it's a healthy and stable relationship to your son. A GOOD 9-12 months of dating before HE meets your kiddo.
It's obviously OK for single moms and dads to date, but they need to be cautious with whom they introduce to their kiddo. A breakup will affect the kiddo as well.
Good luck, and better luck next time.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2022): I’m the OP (not sure how to respond as such, still learning this site).
Thank you so so much for your responses! I feel a thousand times better. I thought I lost something special and for a moment was feeling like I had more to fix. Ever since my last relationship, I still haven’t dated because I want to learn more about red flags. Now that I have a toddler to consider when I choose my next partner.
This has been so helpful. Thank you all again!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2022): Gotta say wise owl has nailed it. Be thankful sweetie, you found out early enough .
Be strong . Be sweet someone just as loving as you is waiting. X
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2022): I meant to say:
"So [tender-hearted] and afraid of being hurt."
You were not blindsided. You were willfully naive, and went into this with your eyes closed. You were taken by his fake-sweetness and a good game. You went into denial, and blocked-out all the red-flags trying to tell you, there's another woman in the picture. After awhile, he became comfortable and confident. He knows when he's got you by the feelings. He is a skilled player, and that's how they roll.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2022): Oh my gosh! Girlfriend, you've been a victim of the classic "player!" These guys are experts at playing on a woman's emotions and adept at finding all your weak points to use them to manipulate your feelings.
If you know what's good for you, you will block his number and go no contact. Ghost him completely! Resist any urge to leave a crack in the door for him!
The biggest giveaways are the ways you've been played like a cheap fiddle and gaslighted. He said the following:
“I wasn’t sure where you were at, so I made the decision to get back with her.”
Translation: "I was having it out with my ex; so you were the convenient rebound and a means to make her jealous. I know she reads my phone messages, and she'll see us going back and forth!"
"That same day he sends me a long text that he’s apprehensive and scared to get hurt."
Learn to read between the lines. He's the victim. He's been hurt. Players are always sensitive and apprehensive. So tender-heated and afraid of being hurt. You'll go for the "vulnerable and sensitive" act. Truth be told, he's a freaking snake in the grass. Of the variety that fooled Eve in the Garden of Eden. He and his ex are probably on a trial reconciliation; and he's not sure how things might turnout.
"(Also a couple weeks ago he was grieving the relationship he lost with his ex that he thought they would have had)."
The scheme to make her jealous almost worked; but she didn't take the bait.
"Monday. I asked if he’s mad at me and he crinkles his face and says “we just don’t talk, you know. We don’t really talk.”
Gaslighting 101: Make her think it's all her fault.
He's just a guy trying not to get hurt. Literal translation: "You just don't get me. You have the worst communication skills. This would have worked, if it wasn't for you and your inept communication-skills."
"On Saturday he sends me a crazy story of some drama that happened Friday night with girl he used to date."
That was Exhibit "A." He had to provide evidence for why he's so protective of his feelings.
"His response “I gotta be honest, I wanted to talk more but “I’m not here to convince you otherwise speaks volumes to me."
Wiggling off the hook. His ex is back in the picture, and there's some hope that things could change. He has to convince you that you've botched everything up; so there's no justification in blaming him for anything. He's so complex and his ways are so complicated. Spare him any drama. He gets to slither away without confrontation.
You were an instrument. He played a tune on your feelings for a bit. He's also playing on the emotions of his ex; who now thinks she has competition, and has to second-guess her decision to breakup with him. He's got you both believing he's just a sensitive dude, and nobody understands his complicated ways.
Erase all the notions and emotions you've developed for this guy.
I'll take you at your word you've never had sex. If that is true, guys like him are very skilled and adept at letting you believe you have the upper-hand; and he was the catch that got-away. I'd like you to give us a follow-up post in a few weeks. Let me give you a prediction of how this may play out. Right now, you're on radio silence. You hear crickets when it comes to his turn to respond to your last communications. This is to get you to become antsy, apprehensive, and to stew in your emotions. You are getting the silent treatment. Advanced-Gaslighting 101, second-semester.
It will break you down emotionally; and your deepest vulnerabilities will surface, because we are very susceptible to rejection. It feels awful, and makes us question our personal-worth, if we're attractive enough, or good enough. He calls out of the clear blue. He'll offer to give it another try, under certain conditions. This is how he'll manipulate sex out of you; and he will catch you off-guard, because rejection has lowered your defenses and knocked-down your shields.
This isn't entirely over. He's a player, and he's working you. He's got you where he wants you. This is how it works-out in the end. You will do anything to keep him. You will even be his girl on the side, or friend with benefits. He will run back and forth between you and his ex. You will even become complicit in cheating on his "supposed" ex. The greatest factor and red-flag you'll be too emotional to realize, is that his "ex" is never out of the picture. She's always somehow a wedge in the middle of things; and you'll "up your game;" to compete for him, and you will lower all defenses in your efforts to win him back. You've nearly admitted you would, if you closely read your post in its truest context.
This is the end game. You will never win him over; because the game is over. He's toying with you, and he has already tested and studied how to play you. Your best game is to drop the ball, or turnover the game table. Walk off the field. Permanently!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 December 2022):
Yikes OP,
Don't feel like you LOST a potentially great relationship, you didn't. You dodged a massive bullet.
OP, honey.... Someone who has OFF/ON relationships with an ex/not ex is NOT really ready or willing to have a healthy relationship. Not with you, not with anyone else.
He sounds like a teenager. No, that is offensive to teens... He sounds utterly immature.
He was USING you. That is it.
My advice is twofold.
Don't eat where you shit. So don't date people who you work with or who have work-related reasons to come into your home.
Shake this off. This was never going to be something great or lasting.
Take it as a lesson and learn what NOT to do in your next relationship and who NOT to date.
You got this.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (5 December 2022):
 I have got to be brutally honest with you here and say that you are better off without him in your life.
You had a family emergency which is important and took you out of town, and you get back to find he is back with an ex.
OP this should of been a huge wake up call for you telling you what sort of person he actually is, i mean what an arse.
Then later on when you think things are ok again he tells you of something that happened Friday with another ex.
To be honest i'm suprised you even gave him the time the day, most people would have run for the hills.
I think he has relationships and when they fail he gets in contact with you. You need to delete and block him now, he is a user and a liar and you should think to yourself that you are lucky its over.
Yes its over, there is no fixing it, you dodged a bullet OP.
He was gas lighting you, the problems were all with him, but he somehow turns it around on you, making you think its your problem.
Put this down to experience, a leaning curve. Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, delete and block him on everything and move onto the next chapter of your life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2022): I would believe so. Unless you're idea of connection is the same as his last 3x ex gf. My motto is an ex is an ex for a reason, once they are an ex, of course!
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