A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been friends with a male friend for a LONG time. I met him working at a GameStop and we became fast friends. However it turned out he really had feeling for me, I turned him down, (I’m gay) but he was really fun to hang out with and I wanted to stay friends. He’s been distant sometimes, but he’s always come around and hung out. Starting a new job, I’ve been busy the last few months, he would message me to hang out or ask a question and either I would miss the question or forget to get back to him. He messaged me one night, jokingly asking some advice about a girl he liked. My phone didn’t alert me and I missed the message, I only saw it a week later cause I had to ask him something. I apologized but His reply and tone seemed really cold, he said he liked a girl but was really nervous to ask her out, he asked me and a few of his other friends for advice what to do but no one got back to him. He then tried to wing it and the girl didn’t even respond to him (basically a no I think)Since then, he’ll only really respond to text with one or two word responses, usually says he’s just busy or doesn’t want to hang out. I went to his job to check on him. He seemed polite and his usual self at GameStop, but I don’t know. I won’t see or hear from him for months at a time now. We used to chat almost everyday. I’m not sure what I should do? If I just leave him alone and he never talks to me again that would be terrible cause I consider him a really close friend. I just have no idea what to do
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2022): He's being polite by remaining cordial; but you shouldn't corner people on their job. I think your friend-vibe has worn-off for him.
You didn't appreciate the friendship in the beginning; and it might have been a better idea to have discontinued the connection altogether, once you determined he was attracted to you in a romantic way.
It's much wiser to disassociate or distance yourself from people you've had to reject romantically, or someone who has rejected you.
Sometimes people swallow their pride, and may pretend to settle for being friends; but you can tell over time whether their crush has really run its course. If they seem a little clingy and persistent about spending time together alone as a couple, minus others in your circle of friends; there could be a lingering infatuation. Not always, but usually.
I find it hard to believe you missed a message over the span of a week. I don't know anyone under the age of 30, who doesn't carry their phones around 24/7; checking messages minute by minute. You might have told him that, but I doubt he believed it.
Your ultra-casual some-timey approach to friendship didn't carry over well. He was a friend "when you happened to be in the mood" for his friendship. It's easy to pickup on that, you can't fool anyone with it. You say you consider him a close friend, but you didn't treat him like one. No-one appreciates a friendship of convenience.
He did what I would have advised him to do, had he been the one to have written DC. He cut you loose, and moved on.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 December 2022):
 You seem to put the blame on the guy but YOU are the awful friend here.
"he would message me to hang out or ask a question and either I would miss the question or forget to get back to him."
Seriously?
"My phone didn’t alert me and I missed the message, I only saw it a week later cause I had to ask him something. "
So you only saw it when YOU wanted something from HIM. A whole week and you didn't even check in on him? And you call him a friend?
"I consider him a really close friend"
In what World do you call someone a really close friend and then not talk to them? unless YOU need something from them?
I think you need to accept that he is moving on from you, both as a romantic interest AND as a friend.
He might feel hurt that you rejected him, but he will get over it. It seems he DID get over it - but when there end up being some kind of romantic feelings from one (or both in some cases) it makes actual friendships harder to maintain.
Accept that YOU are not HIS close friend anymore and he isn't REALLY yours either. If you still occasionally want to reach out and see how he is doing, great if not, that is great too.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (6 December 2022):
 I think the problem is he developed feelings for you early on and probably felt like something could materialise as you both got on so well.
For no fault of your own his dreams of having you came crashing down when he found out you were off limits, and always will be.
The only option now is for you both to be friends, and as we all know friends don't have to be in each others pockets 24/7. If a friend is late in replying that's ok as well.
My guess is he has gone cold and distant because of what happened in the beginning, him having feelings for you, then you turning him down. I think after a scenario like that there is always going to some element of awkwardness in trying to maintain a friendship.
You don't have to right him off, just accept that things are not going to be as they were. Send him a text every now and then to see how he is. If he is unresponsive then there is nothing you can really do. At the end of the day we meet people, friends come into our lives and out of our lives, we just have to accepting of this. Don't go chasing him, just leave it, and leave it to him to establish contact with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2022): There never was a friendship! He was acting the way you liked him to towards you at first bc HE WAS TRYING TO GET WITH YOU! When you made it clear it was his penis and not his looks/personality, he tried giving you a chance as a friend but due to your very mixed messages, he thought he still had a chance. Since you're not in his everyday life anymore, he's been able to see that you'll take a week to notice a text bc you only give him the time of day when you want something. From his angle, you wanted a "friendship" with a guy that entailed you getting all the girlfriend privileges without the benefit of sexual stuff. That's not how male-female friendship works! Concentrate on making platonic friendship with gay men so there's no sex confusion, no flirting and just the potential emotional connection, goofing around, hobbies and values in common and so on. How would you like it if a girl you liked treated YOU the way you treated him and claimed she was straight?
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