A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:hello, Im in a relatiomship with a really sexy loving kind man who is a father of our 8 month old daughter. i love him but don't know what to feel about his gay fantasies. he says they are always through me. He gets turned on by feeling humiliation of being 'pathetic' he says by being gay. by being vulnerable with his sexual female partner/loved one- I say this as he says this was the same ingredient with his ex wife- (who is an alcoholic - not sure if this is a factor?)Ifeel really unsure- he's 49 - is he just scared of coming out- the repercussions? i'm opemn minded sexually - not closed to ideas - I have experimented with gay sex myself - at a time i didn't trust men at all and wanted the nothing to do with being hurt by a man for sex- which I have been. My Partner knew this and throws this in my face. - saying he is confused by my sexuality but not bothered. I confronted my partner over his sexuality future intentions after several accusations from me of him hiring a gay porn movie at home one and a half years into our relationship. he denied this repeatedly, until proven by the bill that he had hired a gay porn film. He since then has said he is very sorry. And he only gets turned on by his supposed humiliation by me? he obviously fantasises I'm scared of losing him- being deceived- Herein the confusion for me- why hire it alone? Why deny it? - He never lies normally -about anything that i know. Does he just want to control me by keeping me scared? I;ve told him I 'm worried i will lose him- then i want him to go. What do you think please? I'm grateful fo your opinions suggestions - I love him but don't wan't to compete with what I can't be.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (24 April 2008):
 Being gay is pathetic?
Not sure most gay or bi-sexual men would agree with that.
What is his true fantasy, to be with another man sexually OR to be humiliated/submissive?
To be rather crude, does he want sex with a man OR does he want to be fucked up the ass? For most men being penetrated is a submissive act even humiliating, yes this does play into how men see sex although it is suicide to admit this.
What I wonder about is how much you are projecting your own fears into his behaviour. "Does he just want to control me by keeping me scared?" This conflicts with your claim that he wants to be humiliated/dominated by you.
After all, what has he really done? Rented a porn tape and shared some fantasies with you? Are you making perhaps too much out of all this?
You have experimented with lesbian sex in the past so why is him having homosexual fantasies bad? You say you are open minded sexually, so isn't this all just about fear of loosing him?
As always, the best course is for the two of you to try and talk this out and find out what you both really want without judging each other. From what you write it seems like he has sexual desires where he is the submissive. Not too uncommon and if you are openminded you should be able to work it out.
You both might also want to seek proffesional help since you both seem to come from troubled pasts. His ex being an alcoholic might well have to do with this. If she was a nasty drunk she might well have been abusive and he either gotten used to it or even grown to "enjoy" it.
For yourselve you could use help to deal with your fear of being abandoned.
But right now, the best you can do is relax. Nothing has really happened yet, don't ruin a relationship for fear of a fantasy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): Hi Hunny
Maybe he is interested in the gay life hunny, Maybe he is gay (I say this with respect for people as my own son is bisexual) At 49 if he hasnt come out yet the chances of him ever coming out are low I would have thought. You say he is a sexy loving man so you do feel secure in this relationship some of the time. If he hired out a gay porn movie thats pure fantasy so I would yea ok think its a little strange but has he ever followed up on any gay meetings that you no off hunny?
Your feelings of him controling you and then scared of loosing him then wanting him to go, This stems from other insecuritys as well as the one your in at the moment other relationship hurt..Ive felt this way before hunny..
In your heart do you see him one day turning around to you and saying he is leaving as he has come out and yes he is gay? Im asking alot of questions, The reason being is this could be a fantasy pure and simple as some women have fantasys about women but would never go of and become a lesbian if ya get me love...I think your self esteem has taken a knock in the past and from this, If you can live with his fantasy then thats fine but if it makes you scared and frightened and insecure that he is really gay then thats not good, And only you can decide that hunny and its a hard decition to make...Whats to be confused by your sexuality you have openly said you are open minded and have experimented thats truth you gave him truth. Nothing to be confused about he knows you have been with a woman. He on the other hand is all over the place and your not sure of the truth so you dont no yes from maybe to I dont no. Thats why you get a confussed and scared and out of control Im going to send you a links to help you not only with this but with past stuff that may be rearing its ugly head at times sweetheart.........
http://www.womensselfesteem.com/index.html
Hunny he may very well be interested in gay sex but is never going to admit it, If you can live with that its fine as long as you no I doubt he will ever say ok im into gay stuff! As at his age now he would have admitted this along time ago...I know of a couple they had been trying for a baby for years happily married everything....Then I found out that he talks to my gay friend on this gay site his wife doesnt no they have two beautiful children now after 10yrs of waiting for one, My friend said he has gay fantasys but he would never actually act on them, Never...I find it oh I cant find a word hunny!!!!!!!!!!!I feel for his wife if you know what I mean but I have been told its all just fantasy. Plus its none of my business your the only one Ive told sweetheart. I hope this has helped a little and I hope you can sort things out hunny. TAKE CARE WITH LOTS OF LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): Go to www.voy.com/86426/ and straightspouse.org; they have lots of support and info for people who are dealing with your question. Good luck.
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