A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Basically, me and my ex remained friends after we broke up. I wasn't so inclined with the idea so much and right now, I completely regret it. I don't understand half of the things he says or whether if he actually means it.Last night we were talking and I said to him that I get confused about how things are between us. I told him that obviously we don't have feelings for each other as were friends and we've both moved on etc. I made a post here the other night titled "my birthday call "...it's been pretty much since then I've been confused. For those who haven't read it, he called me well before midnight and made sure he was the first person to say happy birthday. When we got off the I messaged him saying thank you etc. He then replied saying "just remember there's a reason why I wanted to be the first to say it". So yeah. The next day I messaged him saying what's the reason and he said he "can't remember". So I jokingly said "oh it's coz you love mee" and laughed. He just said lol and then I asked in a more serious way and he said "you just said it". However, that night when we spoke on the phone I asked him and said to him I'm confused about why he said that. I said I know you already care so you didn't have to say that you wanted to be the first and there's a reason. He said he "can't define what the reason is" and that he "can't explain it".So yeah, I told him I'm confused last night and told him we're just friends but I sometimes get confused by what he says. He said he felt as though I was saying "bye forever" after I explained. He said "to be honest, I know were friends but I can't explain my relationship with you and how we are". I WAS EVEN MORE CONFUSED!! Lol. So yeah, I decided we should distance ourselves for a bit and just let the confusion etc die out for a bit. Good idea?? It's always been confusing though. So, what do you guys think?? What's going on?? Oh and just so you all know, he's got a girlfriend. I don't know if that makes any difference to this...but yeah.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (22 December 2011):
 Thanks for the extra information.
Basically he is still in love with you, he clearly didnt want the relationship to end and he is still trying to hold on. His new girlfriend (if she really exists - which I dont think she does, after all she would be really pissed off if her new boyfriend called his ex every night before bed, she wouldnt let that happen!) is a rebound. He is probably trying to make you jealous with this new girlfriend thing so you come back to him.
The drug use wont be helping the situation either - that makes people's personalities irratic and that would explain why he is so confusing to you, I bet half the time he doesnt understand his own feelings either.
I guess the choice is yours now where you go with this. Are you 100% sure you dont want him back? You seem to be spending a lot of time on this site trying to figure out his behaviour which does indicate that part of you would like him to still be in love with you, and perhaps part of you does want him back? But then again with the drug use, that wont change unless he does it alone and gets help - so if you went back to him chances are you would go back to square one.
In my personal opinion you need to cut all contact with him and move on once and for all. It is not fair to him to carry on like this, he is still in love with you and wants more than friendship. Friendship with an ex never works unless both people are no longer in love with each other, and this is not the case here.
I know you have tried to distance yourself - but I mean literally dont have ANY contact for the foreseeable future. This means deleting each other from facebook, deleting each others phone numbers, email addresses etc so there is no way AT ALL to contact each other. If he refuses to do this, well you have to be drastic and call your mobile phone service provider and block his number so he cannot contact you. Yes it is harsh - but it is for his own good.
It is not fair to stay friends with him if you dont want him back, because he will always be hoping that the friendship will turn into something more. He needs to not speak to you in order to move on, so you need to be the one that takes action here and cut him out of your life completely. He wont be the one to do this, because he wants you back. So it needs to be you that is brave and stops this once and for all.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses so far. Ok I finished the relationship because I couldn't cope with him getting high off his head all the time. We used to constantly argue over this and I always used to feel that he was lying to me about so many things. He said a few nasty things to me as well and I couldn't cope with it all because his tone with me at one point became so aggressive. In order for me to heal and move on, I obviously decided to cut off all contact with him. However, he disliked it and would constantly contact me. He used to hate the fact that I didn't care about him and that I'd give him the impression that I didn't care. I used to ignore his efforts when he used to make contact but it became so frequent I started to feel so bad. The amount of times I've tried to distanced myself from him never actually works. He always used to say and still says that he can't let me go and even if I try to he'll always still try and be there. It was a LDR so now I don't really see him much. He always wants to meet up with me and I always say I've got too much going on right now and that I will soon.Hmm I'm not too sure when he got with his current girlfriend. But I'm happy for him although he doesn't always have much to say about her to be honest. He calls me pretty much nearly every night before he goes to sleep and we talk during the day as well. However, if he nevr hears from me for like a day or two he gets angry and will question me why all the time. Say if I don't reply back to him or get back to himhours later he gets annoyed and thinks I'm ignoring him.I think we won't ever get back together. I've told him this though. But he's said to me before a few months ago that if it was just me and him alone and I put it on him, he wouldn't be able to control himself despite the fact that he's in a relationship. It's stupid because he's said to me before like how do I know he ain't lying about being in one and that I should just pretend he's single. Like hmm confused by that.I sometimes get angry towards him and feel so frustrated. But he never gets angry inthe way I do (only if I ignore him or if I never make the effort with him). He always says he can't get angry with me because I'm me and he cares about me so much.Apologises for this being so long!
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A
female
reader, bluecow +, writes (21 December 2011):
 ok in essense...
he is still in love with you.
However because you didnt immediatly reply with a similar confession he is now trying to distance himself from the comment.
Its very hard to stay friends with an ex your still in love with, and so I would think he is taking your re-iteration of the "just friends" thing as a way of you saying back off.
Do you have feelings for him beyond friendship? Were the relationship issues something that could be resolved? Do you want to try again?
If not I agree with you distancing yourself. He needs time to fall out of love, and to move on. He cant do that if your still around being buddys.
xx
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (21 December 2011):
Why did you break up? Who broke up with who? Or was it a joint decision? Who was the one who said they wanted to remain friends? How quickly did he get with his girlfriend after you got together? Does she know you are friends and speak frequently? How long were you together? Do you meet up in person as well as texting/phone calls now you are just 'friends'?
I think knowing that information would be really useful - I will hold back on answering until you get back to us on the above.
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