A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello all Agony Aunts, I once again need your advice, and thank you in advance for taking the time to read my question.I think I may be in love, I've been friends with him for 4 years, we've been friends with benefits for a year, because he is afraid of commitment. And were bf/gf for a month 1/2. Which is when I realized he was bipolar. When I went over his house I wouldn't know 'which side of him' I was meeting up with. It's to that point yet again, he want's to have an exclusive sexual relationship without the bf/gf title, and I want a healthy functional relationship before I engage in anything sexual. After breaking this rule twice, I told him, that was it, and to keep it strictly as friends, and he promised to go to therapy. I want to give him that chance, he's wonderful when he has his 'emotional highs' calls me all the time, complementing me etc. Then calls me today, and it's a 'low' He's condescending, rude, mean, etc to a point where I don't want to speak to him. What should I do..Please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2009): I agree with Emilysanswers, but bipolar/manic-depressive disorder will stay with the person 100%, it is in his genes and his (future) kids will inherit it too. The meds can make his disorder less severe and of course change him for the better, but he'll never be 100% healthy or perfect. Something which is in his genes always stays. It's like taking painkillers when you have a headache-you will not feel the headache, but the reason why the headache happened still stays. And sometimes the old painkillers don't help and you'll need to take different ones-it's the same with treating bipolar disorderHe needs to go to a doctor, go to counceling, get meds. And also stop addictive behaviours, no drugs, no drinking etc-medications and other substances don't go together. They will just create a relapse and he's crazy again, perhaps even worse than that. So for him to have a healthy life, it means hard work by him and acceptance that he's actually bipolar and also following doctor's guidelines. And for YOU-go to counceling, you are probably affected by the way he behaves. Many people who are family members, in a relationship or just friends with people who have Bipolar disorder BECOME CO-DEPENDENT.Which means they'll depend on their friend's, partners etc moods, they try to adapt themselves to their sickness-and lose their own identity. Think, do really you want to have kids with a man whose kids will inherit his disorder?? Are you willing to sacrifice your life so that he could have a good life? Are you ready to live like this as it is right now? What will do when he's manic and screaming etc at you??
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (11 February 2009):
Bi-Polar disease is an absolute killer to any relationship.
You've seen the worst of him and when he's fixed you'll know that you'll hardly ever see the best of him as he'll mostly be somewhere in the middle.
The thing is that you need to get his head sorted before you will actually get to know who he is. It's not just a case of talking about his problems etc, he has chemicals going mental in his brain and they need to be stabilised by a doctor using drugs. THEN he can figure out the cause of his problems and sort that out by talking about it / changing his life etc.
I agree with him that a girlfriend may not be the best thing for him right now but we have to consider YOUR needs as well. What you need is a normal boyfriend. You do not need to be used for sex at his convenience.
You have to be careful or you'll get dragged into a dark and nasty place with him.
So!
You number 1 priority is to get him to medical help. Threaten, plead, book the appointment and then drag him there kicking and screaming, do what it takes to get him in front of a doctor. Even if you have to say you'll never see him again until he has a prescription in his hand, and then cut contact for a week.
After he's drugged up to the eyeballs he'll not be himself but he will be able to think straight and that's when he'll need a FRIEND to talk to him and help him figure out what in his life makes him unhappy. Does he need a new job? To move out to a new place? Get him to talk to someone and figure it out.
After that, hopefully things will start to change. He'll be happier once his life is on the right track and will be able to cut down on the meds till they are gone. At THIS point he may be available to be the boyfriend you want.
He may also see you as a reminder of bad times and move on and drop you like a stone. This does sometimes happen.
The safest thing to do for your own sanity and for the sake of your relationship is to get him on the drugs and then back off and let him sort his life out alone. Tell him to get back in touch when he's cured. But that means you have to leave him at a bad time and I don't think you'll be able to do that.
You have to decide if you are going to be his friend because you are his friend, or if you are his friend because you want to be his girlfriend. Since you've already allowed yourself to be used by him for a year just to stick around him, I think you mostly want the girlfriend role... in which case you need to back away. If you want him as a mate even if he finds someone else after you do EVERYTHING for him to get better, then stick around.
Good Luck!! xx
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