A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Alright, I haven't been with my "girlfriend" for long, but it is most definitely serious and have already made plans.. The topic for discussion here is not that I'm jumping into it to quick or anything. She is 9 Years older than me, and maybe that is a problem, but anyways. Lately I can't help thinking about who she has had sex with, or what she's done. The meaningless sexual experiences like, while she was in high school don't mean anything to me. It's just the relationships, even though she has had two unhealthy relationships, both leaving her with a child that doesn't bother me, because she makes it clear to me that there is nothing there, and there never will be. But there was someone else, also 8 or 9 years younger than her, who she had a relationship with. Yesterday she was telling me about how someone had tried to tell her aunt that she caught them having sex in a bathroom at a pizza place. I know this guy, but we aren't friends or anything. I know she said it was just a rumor, but I can't help but to think about what she's done with him, or things like that. She is around him on a daily basis, though they don't interact directly. She never really told me why she left him, just that it didn't work, and he also lives about 20 minutes away from her. I think that if i end up leaving her over my insecurities or worries about what she's done with other guys that she'll just go back to him. I don't want to leave her, i can't, because to be honest i NEED to be with her, it just feels right living this way now. Sorry if this seems long, but another thing that was bothering me was:She says she has to go to her grandmas house real quick and then doesn't come home for like 4 hours, and i ask where she is and she gets all defensive when i ask why she couldnt have called. she told me her cell phone got fried cause her charger short circuited or something, and i have a hard time believing that. Anyways, can someone tell me what to do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007): Actually, the past does mean something if you cannot get it out of your mind. I had problems with my wife's past many years ago and we discussed it some, but I could not handle it well and she stopped talking about it. She was my girlfriend back then. She thinks that she felt guilty about her past back then and I wasn't helping her feel any better. I put the thoughts to the back of my mind for 20+ years and we have had a very happy marriage. They recently resurfaced and we have again discussed them. She no longer feels guilty and is able to discuss them freely. It took about 3 weeks of discussion and some help from people on this board (especially one wonderful person) for me to realize why she did what she did. It also helped to know that there were other men like me who have the same thoughts. I have not thought badly of her past or wanted to talk to her about it for about a week now. I hope this will continue for a long time, but if it it resurfaces I know that she will help me.
My wife and I both believe that telling the truth and discussing the results is the best policy. I totally agree with flower girl that you cannot dwell on the past, but the only way to stop from dwelling on it is to resolve it in your mind. It takes the help of both partners to do that. If your girlfriend is willing to discuss this with you, don't make the mistake that I made. Don't make her feel guilty about anything. Hold back any bad feelings and try to talk in a way to make her feel good.
A
female
reader, flower girl  +, writes (4 October 2007):
 Ok when you start seeing someone, you really do need to forget about their past if you want your relationship to work, unfortunatley too many people worry about the past, it's called the past for a reason and why should what she done before you two got together have any bearing on your relationship?
If you can not trust her 100% when she tells you she is going somewhere or doing something, then maybe you should not be together.
Please do not dwell on the past or you will have no future.
Take care.xx.
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