A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 20-year bi male and my straight best friend is also 20. He doesn't know I'm bi.We are close, have been best buds for almost 10 years now. I hate to say this, but I am sorta attracted to him and he is quite attractive. He also has a girlfriend, btw.Every time I sit and think to myself that the next time the both of us hang out, I'm gonna tell him I'm bi. But when I finally see him, I lose all hope and just let it slide.I wanna tell him, but I also don't want to. I don't think he is the kind of friend who would judge me and write me off as soon as I tell him I'm bi. We do care about each other and love each other, but just as friend. Even though I'm attracted to him, I'm not in love with him. I wouldn't never be. I don't want to ruin our friendship, what should I do?Every time I see him, I lose hope in telling him I'm bi. I'm also nervous about how to approach him. Please help!!
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male
reader, cenafanatic +, writes (11 April 2013):
Thank you for your response WiseOwlE. Really appreciate it.
I will never try to make a move on him. Because I don't want to ruin our friendship with that. And I really don't wanna feel this about him, but as you said, he is a good looking guy.
But thanks again for your response! Much appreciated.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2013): You first have to know how he feels about gay people. Does he have a liberal attitude or is he homophobic? Does he seem uncomfortable talking about gay people, gay men in particular?
It can be a touchy subject; so it's best when you both are alone and away from other people, especially his girlfriend.
You can eventually come out to her, but keep in mind she may feel threatened by your closeness. Most women nowadays are pretty comfortable with homosexuality; but not when it comes down to sharing their boyfriends with a "gay" man. They fear competition with body parts they don't possess.
The fear subsides once they realize you're not after him.
I discourage you from making any advances toward him while he has a girlfriend. Things could get complicated, and you shouldn't seduce him into cheating on her. Not cool, and unfair to her.
Even though you may inform him/them you are "bi;" this translates to "gay" in the heterosexual world. Gay people feel you're "bi" until you find the right guy. You are who you are, the heck with the freaking labels.
You also have to prepare yourself for the worst reaction. It can be shock at first. He will envision the times he exposed himself in front of you, he'll wonder if you are
attracted to him, and he may be repulsed by the idea. These are perfectly normal reactions from a totally straight guy.
If there really is, such a thing.
He has been your friend for a very long time. You both grew up together; so being nearly as close as brothers will hopefully help him to absorb the shock. You do feel he really isn't the type to write you off; but the place and time is very important.
I am gay. Coming out to friends and family wasn't as hard for me as I had preconceived. I was selective and approached each one alone; so we could have the time to talk about it. My family is very close and loving. We were never raised to be judgmental or bigoted. I waited a long time before I came out, afraid I would be disowned. It was all in my head, in my case. The outcome is different for each of us.
It takes courage. You have to be ready to deal with the emotional reactions and allow him/them time to process it. Even if he is angry at first. If he loves you, he'll realize you are the same guy he knew before you told him. He may be a little nervous or spooked when you touch him, that's normal too.
My only concern is that you try to control your attraction to him as long as he has a girlfriend. It is totally normal for you to be attracted to him, if he is a good-looking sexy guy. However; you have to put the brakes on any thoughts of changing the dynamic of your relationship by adding sex to the situation for the present.
Part of loving someone is being truthful. Acceptance of who you are is also important.
People are more predisposed to gay people than they have ever been here in the U.S. Younger people are a lot more accepting. However; the pretentious religious community will use their so-called piety to hide their bigotry and ignorance. They justify hatred and injustice by twisting religious doctrine to rationalize it.
They sin, hate, and judge others 6 days a week, and go to church on Sunday.
However; this differs by culture, and religious influence
on society where you live. If there is a liberal or progressive attitude, it's easier to be open. I only advocate fully coming out, if you're not likely to be killed for it.
If there is a strong aversion to homosexuality where you come from, I caution you to be extremely careful and selective of the people you tell. Tell only those you really love and trust.
I wish you the best of luck!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (6 April 2013):
 There is no way of knowing how your friend would accept the news of your being bisexual. It's just one of those situations where you either live a lie, never tell him and carry on as usual, or tell him and have him either accept you or reject you.
Maybe understanding the reason WHY you want to tell him might give you some guidance.
If it is because you are attracted to him and have some hope that he will reciprocate, well who knows?...he may be Bisexual too, or maybe he isn't and he will think you are trying to influence him?
If you want to tell him because you wish to be open about who you really are and hope to give him a better understanding of you, then it will still be a test of the friendship, but it may be ok.
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