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female
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*tuck
writes: My current boyfriend is very protective and doesn't want me to go out with out him. The only time I ever do get to go out is if he's somewhere I can't be. If I ever ask to go out then he ends up getting stroppy and distant, whereas he can go out whenever he wants, whether I want him to or not. I don't know what to do because I feel like I'm completely stuck. I love him and I know he loves me too but we just can't go on like this. What can I do to make him trust me more? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (21 May 2006):
 These ladies who offered the other posts are 100 % correct. Why should you pay the price for a crime you've never committed? What have you done that should require you to be so submissive to his whims? It will only get worse. \
I'm a man and have seen other guys try this. They think the only way they can control things are to keep you under their thumbs. You will tire of this. You already have actually, or you wouldn't be writing this. I've seen a guy I know question our friend about who's ELBOW was in a picture she took while out for the evening without him !! In other words, who was that guy standing just outside the frame of the picture and why was he there? That is nuts!! Don't think he'll change on his own. He won't. And, if he gets accustomed to you giving him the control, he'll go nuts when you try and break away from it.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (21 May 2006):
 Sadly, you can't do *anything* to "make him" trust you. This isn't about you at all. This imbalance of power is about him controlling EVERYTHING in his life.
People like this man are so afraid of things getting beyond their limits that they'll take the most outrageous steps to try to be The Boss of everything and everyone around them. One of those steps to to give you orders and see if you'll 'obey'.
Unfortunately, when you do, it cements in your boyfriend's mind that you can be controlled too, and sets up a pattern. Eventually, you will find -- I guarantee it! -- that he'll start to tell you what friends you can see, where you work, whether you're allowed to go out, what family you can visit and for how long, what you can wear, and lots and lots of other things.
Believe me, dear, you DO NOT want this. He doesn't "love" you, he wants to to belong to him, like a possession. Like a car or a coffee mug. People like him are seriously scary and can grow into very ugly abusers.
Please take the advice of someone who's been there. Read some of the questions posted yesterday from women who feel like they "can't leave" because their boyfriends will hunt them down, and do terrible things. They all started where you are now, and these women are scared stiff that they'll be beaten or killed by their controlling, abusing boyfriends.
Step back and re-evaluate what you want in a relationship. Do you want to take orders from someone who's so insecure that he feels that his control of you is more important than your own autonomy? Do you want to be with someone who will NEVER trust you, no matter what you do? Do you want to be with someone who will run you down and make you feel terrible about yourself, so that you'll always feel too useless and ugly to leave him? This is what happens.
Relationships with controllers are not fun. You deserve better and -- believe me -- you'll get over him fast, especially when you find a boyfriend who actually trusts and loves you, without a pathological need to control you.
Walk away from him now. Or better still, RUN.
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female
reader, Angelicc  +, writes (21 May 2006):
 I wouldn't call what you boyfriend is over protective, i would call it controlling. He's keeping away from the world because he wants you to himself, it's not like he's doing because he things something will happen to you but because you might not come back. This is the type of relationship you should get out of fast it starts off him telling you not to go out, moves on to who you shouldn't see, then what you shouldn't.
your boyfriend is a control of your life don't let him take it over. move on
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2006): I am going out on a limb here but I have to say something, you may not agree with. But it has to be said. Any guy that tells his gf she cannot go anywhere without him is not being over protective, hun. He's being emotionally abusive and you are so blinded by his love for him, you do not recognize how wrong it is. Your boyfriend seems like a scary guy and I feel is showing the early signs of being a very 'controlling, jealous' man. Men like this sometimes do and will grow into adult batterers. Please be careful. You may want to seriously re-evaluate this relationship and get out of this while you can. You have to know, this is not normal behaviour for him to basically tell you, that YOU can't go anywhere. I have to ask...was he ever in a relationship where an ex gf cheated on him? If he was, there's part of the answer as to why he's this way and he's viewing you as part of the 'problem' and that too is very very wrong. If I was in your shoes, I would be scared of a man if he said this to me and I'd be bailing. No amount of misguided love for a guy like this would be worth my safety and freedom. Good luck hun and think long and hard about why he's doing this I am concerned for you so please write back and let us know how you are.
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