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male
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*appytrail
writes: I am a very sexual person, and my boyfriend seems to be, but is not. He would rather sit at the computer and masturbate rather than have sex or fool around with me. It makes me feel very unattractive and depressed, even though he assures me that he finds me attractive. I love him very much and I am pretty sure that he loves me, but I have no idea what to do.
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female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (14 June 2006):
 As yos says, why not try and embark on this together. Let him know that hes not alone in his feelings and you would very much like to take part with him. Maybe take some initiative yourself, do some exploring and introduce him to what you have found and hopefully he will open a bit about it.
Take care x
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2006): It seems like he may have the makings of a porn addiction, dear. People who become addicted to porn online, usually feel 'only' comfortable with this form of a sexual outlet. Why? Because, these girls are safe in his little fantasy world. He can masturbate to porn because is there is no fear of failure or inadequecy. It's easier than dealing with a live, warm body. Have you tried to explain how you feel? That could be like 'hitting your head with a hammer' because he really does find his porn habits unacceptable but he's denying it or trying to rationalize it, by making out it's no big deal. (eg: it was only a few times or all guys do it). In fact, he'd rather think anything than face up to the devastating affect it has on your self esteem and confidence. My advice to any women going through this painful situation-seek counselling as soon as you can before the feelings of low self worth overtake your life and gnaw away at your humaness. You may decide to leave this relationship-that is a decision only you can make. But please, do something that is likely totally new to you (as it is most women) This is a case where you need to put yourself first and set some tough boundries on what you will and will not tolerate, in a relationship.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (14 June 2006):
 Well that sounds like a very good area for you two to explore. I suggest you spend more time talking about it, going into some detail and saying why it turns you on. Once you are more comfortable talking about it it should be easier for you two to try it.
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A
male
reader, happytrail +, writes (14 June 2006):
happytrail is verified as being by the original poster of the question My bf is into a fetish thing that I am also very into. He has never acted on this with anyone, but has told me briefly about it. He says it makes him feel uncomfortable and ashamed after he masturbates, but he shouldn't feel that way. I wish he could get into doing it with me.
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A
female
reader, Smiler +, writes (14 June 2006):
 Hey Sweetie
Well you poor thing you :o( what the hell is his game... have you tried talking to him about this? i really feel for you and can completely understand how its making you feel... you need to sit your man down and talk this situation through tell him how this is making you feel and just how much its upsetting you honey.. i certainly wouldn't put up with it.. he as your b/f is supposed to love you and respect you and make you feel good and happy and from where i'm sat sweetie he's doing the exact oposite maybe yeah as everyone has said above youe sex life could do with spicing up and given abit of a boost but him sitting in front of pc masterbating is hardly gonna do that now is it you need to tell him exactly that maybe get yourselves a copy of karma sutra an try experimenting all the various positions show him that you and him should be enjoying sex together not him just doing it all single handily!!! quite literally...
I hope my advice was able to help you babe :o) if you ever need a chat or just a friend to talk to i'm always here for you ok, I would love to hear from you again find out how things are going so don't hesitate to email me ok... Keep Smiling :o)
You Take Care X
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (14 June 2006):
If your boyfriend is masturbating over porn rather than having sex with you then he has a problem (and so do you). He needs to know how his behaviour is making you feel. He also needs to know that if he doesn't alter his behaviour the situation is going to get worse and worse, and that this is not acceptable to you.
Numerous surveys have shown that porn is perceived as one of the main factors in poor sex in relationships, so your situation is not at all unusual.
You need to tell him how you feel: tell him what you wrote here, and see what he thinks the problem is (if he even thinks there is one). You should think about asking him to stop, it is a reasonable request.
I have to disagree a little with the others below. Porn can trigger the extreme side of someones sexual fantasies. It may be that what he is looking can provide you two with some ideas for your sex life. But also it might be way beyond what you would be comfortable or happy doing. Don't feel you need to compete with the porn on a sexual level: porn is not real and you shouldn't feel you have to match it in any way in terms of the acts it depicts.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (14 June 2006):
 I agree with Martini - maybe it's time to talk about a way to rev him up - but I also wondered what sorts of porn he's viewing. Is he into, for example, some sort of fetish or something "forbidden" that he thinks you might not be into? Another thought that pops into my mind is that maybe he's asked you to participate in some sexual fantasy of his, and you didn't take him seriously, so perhaps now he feels it's safer to masturbate..?
These are just ideas, of course, but if you haven't yet talked to him about what's "better" about masturbating at the computer than having sex with a real, and enthusiastic person, now is a great time. Obviously, try not to approach the subject in a confrontational way, but go about it more saucily, as in "Is there some fantasy you've seen on the computer that you'd like to try in real life?"
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2006): Well, it's possible that it's a lot less tiring to have sex with you than wank off to porn on the computer. Maybe you should make is more desireable for him to have sex with you? Ask him what you can do to make him bang you silly.
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