A
female
age
36-40,
*inkcat
writes:My problem is this. I'n my last year of uni, as is my bf who I have been with for just over a year, albeit with a couple of breakups, namely a couple of months ago when he split up with me after months of saying (supposedly not to get with other girls) but just to be single. While he loved me for around a month about 3-4 months into our relationship, then it stopped (I don't know why, he says he doesn't either) and now he says he doesn't think he can be really into me or anyone ever again, as far as he can see. When I asked how it made him feel when I said I loved him, he said it made him feel guilty and wished I didn't. I suppose this snowballed into me asking all the questions you sometimes wonder but never dare ask. I asked him to be honest, and I appreciate he was, but it was far worse than I expected... I asked him what he thinks of when he masturbated, and he said me. And i said, and who else, and he didn't answer. 'Ex-girlfriends?' i suggested, and yup it was one. The last one I think although not totally sure. He's mentioned in the (ages ago) past him and his friends thinking chinese girls are the 'best' or 'most interesting' and english girls the most boring, somewhat racist and generalising i said! He also never normally goes for blondes (I am, unnaturally, but having seen pics of me with dark hair he said he preferred me blond, and didn't answer when I joked, oh great so you think im minging naturally...which made me feel great. But I guess after all I prefer him with his hair how it is now rather than v short sa it is in the past...but I would have thought that if he prefers dark hair then he should have liked me better not worse like that). Anyway, he said he thinks of her (note, she split up with him). I remember him saying once that she was really fun, and I asked if he found her more attractive than me, to which he looked down and said 'I just can't help it'. I said surely he would prefer to be with her then if only he could and he said no, but the only reason he could give was timing. So this made me feel just great... I also found out that he thinks of other girls too, for example one girl i asked lots of times if he liked cos it seemed he did in how at a festival we went to he didn't care about me and only cared bout where she and her friends were. He'd said no not at all at the time, but said 'yeah she's been there too' ie in his mind when you know, without me even asking, and there was that tinge of sort of liking that fact or liking the memory of whatever he'd imagined. There are also 'loads of other girls'. I once (innocently, not checking up on him) stumbled across him having look at tons of pics of other girls on facebook that he knew from the past, and he was horrible and said i was being paranoid and jealous etc for even asking him why he was looking at so many pics of them and that he was 'just seeing what they were up to these days' despite this surely being evident on their profile info and him not looking at any pics of old guy 'friends'.. I asked him if that was why and he just didn't say anything. I know that we're all human and we're not programmed to just find one person attractive. I know that it can happen that you think, yeah they're good looking, about someone you see in work or whatever. But the only time I've ever even acted on it by talking to them that little bit more was when my bf was saying he didn't want to be with me, so I thought well I'l do him a favour then! That was merely talking to someone about nothing in particular for just a couple of mins in work but getting that buzz from it. I just know that he will have got that same buzz from the girl we went to the festival with and at other times we've seen her, but instead of keeping a distance he's chatted on and on to her even when me and her bf were quite obviously feeling a bit worried by it after a point. It makes me wonder who else he's like that with. I felt guilty as when I chatted to someone and got that buzz with them when I was in work that time, and that's when I knew my bf didn't want me anyway and would have appreciated it had I met someone else to save him the guilt. I really don't like that he thinks of people he knows when he masturbates. I wouldn't mind if he looked at porn to be honest, I didn't ask but it's not anyone he knows and it's just the moment I guess. It's not that there's some ongoing underlying attraction to them. It also makes me feel extra horrible about times when say we've gone to watch the football in the pub, surely footie and your gf is enough, but a pretty chinese girl wearing a short skirt came and sat down with her bf opposite, and i swear every 20 seconds his eyes were going back to check her out. I know he might find her attractive, think oh shes pretty when he first saw her, but then should be like but i have a gf, not keep looking at her throughout the match as well! I said I couldn't see where we would go if he's never going to get into me properly, because i do not want to be second best to someone, and i do not want him to be with me only because he can't be with his ex. While he says it's not like that, he does 'idealise the memory' to quote him. Why can't he be happy with me? I actually think it's really sad that after so long he can't be truly happy with the one he's with. He says he wants to be with me and likes me a lot (even that's a shock after him having said the opposite for months previously) and having missed spending time with me when separate (during which he didn't get with anyone else, which initially made me feel better when we got back together but now makes me wonder that if he had met someone else he probably would have gone out with her and forgotten all about me). I want it to work cos obviously i like him a lot, while i don't feel in love anymore i did and i know i still love him even if not 'in love'. But if i (how i don't know!) make myself not think about it and then we have good times and i feel happy and in love with him again i'll just be thinking oh but i can't say it, cos he doesn't feel the same, and feel silly and undervalued for feeling more than he does, when given that we have been together for a year it's not like i'm just feeling it 'too soon' or whatever. I really really don't like him thinking of other girls he knows when you know, it makes me think that every time he thinks someones attracted he'll be thinking of her at another time at some point. And if you like someone that much to remember them later when doing that...at that moment at least he wants to be with them and not me. It's like if only he could he'd get with other people too and I'm not enough for him - well since he still doesn't love me, obviously im not! And i really don't know what to do about his ex. When we started going out i still had a bit of a thing for the last guy i was with, but once i got into him that faded completely. To think he still feels like that, when i feel so much more and so much more deeply now than i did, is just...a horrible feeling. It's actually not jealously, just sadness. I feel like i'm not fun enough for him, even though some things about her make her seem like not that nice a person, tho i'm probably biased, and i can never look like that! I just wonder if if he meets someone like her who he could get with he would. And even though he says he's never cheated on me and i believe him, and even if he wouldn't in the future...even though i love the time we spend together most of the time, I just can't get past him, not just not feeling the same about me as I do for him, but everything with other girls mentally. I feel really betrayed by him thinking of them when he does that...he said he feels bad afterwards cos its not me, so i said well why do it again?! I asked him to promise me that if he does it again and starts thinking of someone else that he'll just stop, but what are the chances of that. I know from when we've had problems ie when he didnt want to be with me, how it feels to be attracted to someone else and consider how it would be to be with them (with me in a how we'd get on and have fun as opposed to how we'd do it really!) and how at that time your feelings for your partner aren't as strong. So knowing that's how he feels often...and surely it must therefore also be at times other than when he's doing that, ...it really hurts. As for still having this idealisation of his ex..just how he can I don't understand - the first month or so when i still kind of had feelings for my ex i felt so bad about it..i don't understand why he's in this place still, i said surely it means im not the right girl for you and he said no the only thing that makes you maybe not be is that we keep having problems like this, and i was like well when you go off me n dont want to be with me, and then when you say you dont think youd ever be with me then it will be difficult! I do really appreciate him finally being honest...but it doesnt eradicate the problems. Before you say i don't understand, that there's this supposed difference between girls and guys, i have acknowledged that you can think other people are attractive, although to be honest i rarely do unless theres a problem between us, and someone i did find attractive at such a time did pop into my head in a sexual way one time - and i felt so horrible and disgusting and guilty i would never do that again -i felt like i totally betrayed my bf and then to find he does it loads...woo.. if i ever fanatasise about anything its with him, sometimes comin up with ideas for things we could do eg (kinda jokey) roleplays perhaps, or else girls but imaginary ones not anyone ive ever known/seen (as im 'kinda' bi, n i can hardly imagine about him seeing as he's male!) so i wouldnt mind if it was imaginary people, admittedly it would bug me if it was always chinese girls as i cant be think and i feel inadequate for it which is really quite stupid really but thats how its made me feel, but people he knows...thats not nice and since he feels bad about it after surely he knows deep down its not right to be doing that...surely it shows that theres been that time where he would prefer to be with them. .Anyway, sorry this is so long...i know this is not something anyone can really answer but what should i do? i feel like my life is split in two parts, one is us splitting up and me not really moving on as life is pretty full with uni work and paid work at this point, and since i do like him just missing him...but then moving to a new place for a job and moving on. or else sticking with him but it eating me up but then hopefully somehow getting through it n him actually loving me, n us gettin a place together (as he's thought about, in a good way apart from if we have times like this) or havin a long distance rel...possible kiss of death there. But i don't know how to get through this, i feel like i will be feeling horrible when we do see each other cos its at back of my mind all the time, but then i admitetdly do miss him when i dont see him. he said he realises its bad tho which part(s) hes talking bout im not sure, but said he 's gonna sort himself out ...tho had no explanation of how...i guess it is a turning point but is he gonna get out of it? and will we cope since the last half a year ive been so into him he hasnt felt anythin but just liking me a bit back...What do you think about all this, and what should i do?
View related questions:
cheated on me, facebook, got back together, his ex, jealous, long distance, my ex, porn, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): Sounds just like my situation. I am 2 yrs and 2 mo. in... it does not get any better. I feel like it has killed my self esteem badly enough that i am actually afraid to leave. Afraid nobody will really love me.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (17 January 2008):
 I think you will find no man to love you if you follow all those things you don't like. You want him and you want to control what he thinks. He is not a man anymore if he don't look at girls or think of other girls.Better you castrate him and turn him into a girl.
Even when he masturbates , he has to think of you and not others !!!! Isn't that going too far? Can a man ever love such a woman? Goodness, you are asking the impossible. Any man in a relationship with you will have to tell plenty of lies to make you happy.
He is a man and he has testosterones.A man need to have his own identity and his own world. You cannot make him like a woman. That is the end of him. I am surprised he is still with you. Many men would have ran away from your impossible lifestyle.
...............................
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (17 January 2008):
 i only read half of this as it got VERY boring but the gist of it up until halfway was that i think he just was in a relationship with you as he didn't want to be alone. Also he might have found your need to analyse things (but never reach a conclusion) a bit much. Sorry to be rude but you come across as though you have low self esteem and no ability to either A have instincts or B trust them. this website works well as people tell how they feel and the situation and pose a direct or indirect question within a concise framework.
i just dont know what you want(you dont seem to either, which maybe why i cant figure it out) but my main advice is do what you want and trust your instincts, and make plans for actions when relationships are concerned that put your welfare and state of mind first in the long term-in other words care for yourself and be good to you. whatever course of action that YOUR WILL AND STRENGTH leads you to take so be it
good luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2008): I think you should dump him.The wondering eye leads to cheating.It happened to me.Trust me.Dump him and move on and don't look back.
...............................
|
