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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been with my boyfriend for sixteen years. We have kids together. He has always been a heavy drinker, but i'm sick of this life. He has lost his driving licence three times due to this and still on a ban. We have just come back from a holiday which was meant to be about us as a family but it was ruined due to his drinking and the embarssement he caused me and the kids yet again. I have found porn in the house which he hides and when I confront him he says its better than straying. I found out years ago he tried it on with my sister when I was pregnant. He has also rang sex lines and he has hit me also many times in front of the children and called me terrible names in front of them .I have kicked him out of our lives so many times but always end up taking him back because he begs he is so sorry for everything he does but i never forget, so why do I keep doing it eveyone who knows me says what a lovely person i am and how pretty i am? I'm in debt for tweleve thousand pounds which is in my name and I feel i have no energy anymore and want to end it all but i love my kids more than anything...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2007): These men are not "monsters", they may besick and acting like monsters, but labelsare deceiving. Women stay with them forsome reason, maybe love, financial benefit,or just the drama they think is "normal"after living so long with the "monster"No abuse is acceptable in any relationship.Violence should not be minimized or excusedby taking blame for it.These men need help and it has to be themthat seek it and stick with it.No amount of love will "fix" these guys.They may be great when sober, but thatdoesn't change the situation. He willnot change until you stop accepting bad treatment, he may never change.Do what you need to do to make yourlife better, or quit complaining andlive with your sad choices.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2006): Thank you everyone who replied to my question, the answers i recieved were very welcome, although one was quite brutal, this person had never experienced this i hope they never do.I took a step back as one person advised me to do so and i just listened and watched, which gave me the strength to kick this worthless piece of scum out of mine and the childrens life, thank you all who gave your time to reply it meant at great deal to me, i will keep you informed of our progress but i feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders which i can now hold high because im not carrying a worthless scum bag on my shoulders.Thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2006): I dont feel sorry for you one bit. Women like you are such idiots. The guy hits you fifty million times and you always take him back expecting him to change. He'll stay like this for the rest of your pointless lives.
Since you cant seem to get rid of him permanently, I would recommend you get used to having the heck kicked out of you regularly so it wont hurt too much.
Also be prepared that your kids will be another drain on the overcrowded prison situation thanks to the fact that they're getting the message its okay to be like their scumbag dad.
Either leave him permanently or live with all that comes with your abuser and quit bitching
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A
female
reader, carebear  +, writes (15 June 2006):
 the only 2 things you can do are accept him as he is or leave that's it bottom line but remeber he won't change (why should he) you have put up with this for yrs? have you talked to your children about this are they happy do they want him gone? if so then you really need to consider all of this as they could end up blaming you for staying with him. i know i am being blunt but i have experianced this an ex i was with for 18yrs i had to leave as i ended up in a worse state than him now i am stronger and in control i am happier and so are my kids but at the end of the day it's your call and i think you already know what to do you just need folk to confirm this if you want someone to sound off to e-mail me and i will try to help if i can
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2006): I sympathise with you as I experienced this with my ex-husband, he drank, verbally abused me and used to beat me up in front of our son.I felt like rock bottom and that life had nothing for me and i was only 30. With the help of my family and friends I left him. Even though it was tough I started a new life for me and my son. Financially it's been hard, but at least at night I know when I close my door no drunken monster is going to come in and beat me up. By leaving him not only will you get your self respect back, you will be making a statement to your children that this behaviour is unacceptable.I was from a family that experienced domestic violence and had a marriage that was exactly the same. It is not right, set an example for your children.Ten years on, my ex hasn't changed he's still drinking and fighting, but not with me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2006): So sorry to read your posting, but I find myself in a similar situation. My partner is a self confessed alcholic, he has been both verbally and physically abusive when he has been drunk. Without alchol he is loving and caring. I dont understand much about alcholism, but I know it is an illness. I have watched my partner do and say some very stupid things which he would never do if sober. Because we love these men we are still with them, but we cannot change them. They have to do that themselves. Only when they are at rock bottom, and on the verge of losing everything, will they see sense and life as it really is. Please concentrate on You. You deserve respect and love and your children deserve to have a happy and secure home. Have you support in family and friends? Have you someone to talk to and who will be there if you need help?Have you got a protection order from the courts for you and the children?. If not, please do get one, its not complicated, there is help and understanding people out there who can advise you in the right directions. Its your life and you have to make it a safe place for you to live.
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female
reader, Angel ron +, writes (15 June 2006):
 sounds like this man is an alcoholic kick out leave him but GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP NOW BEFORE IUTS TOO LATE. you cannot help this guy he needs professional help you can't give him that fiondosemone you deserve.
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (15 June 2006):
 While this man maybe a beast, you are in charge of you at the end of the day - you cannot really lay all the blame at his door if you let him abuse you in front of the kids and take him back - it sends a clear message to him that he can do whatever he wants to you. Research shows that children raised in family homes affected by domestic violence repeat the abuse in their adult lives by becoming perpetrators or victims - they assume that it is a normal way of relating to other people. Forget if other people think you are pretty or lovely you are, if you don't feel pretty and lovely then others comments are useless. You need to address your self esteem issues related to why you think so badly of yourself that you need to stay with a monster. As for the debt, well lots of women escaping abusive relationships have problems with money - if you get in touch with women's aid, or similar community groups, then you can get advice on this problem. Specialist financial advisors can help you clear the debt. If this man is a heavy drinker he needs specialist help, but only he can decide to get help. He may only address his behaviour when you leave because he will be obliged to face up to his situation - at the moment you are only doing him harm (unintentionally) because you are his emotional blanket, and enabling his drinking behaviour by staying around him and looking after him. There are certain drugs that he can take to reduce his drinking (they basically make you sick when you drink), but many drunks need in-patient care to de-tox and address their addictions through counselling. Staying with this man does you no favours, your kids no favours or this man any favours. Pack your bags!
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female
reader, hannieseds  +, writes (15 June 2006):
 Hey!
This man has no respect for you or your children by the sounds of it. He hits you. That should be enough of a push you need to leave for not only your sake, but for your childrens future too.
I know you think you love this man but how can this be true love if he acts like this and treats you like absolute crap!?
You deserve a beautiful life so stop selling youself short! xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2006): If you need other people to tell you how pretty you are, or how lovely you are, then question others and yourself why you're still in this rather retarded relationship, then you probably and most likely do not love yourself very much. That, and possibly that you feel no one else will ever fall in love with you 'again'.
Step back a few hundred yards and look at yourself, get to the core of your thoughts and emotions, then imagine a twin of yourself staring back at you, except that this twin is stronger, more solid, has good amount of will power, successful (not necessarily career-wise), can stand up for herself, etc. What is she doing? Is she smiling back at you, or is she shaking her head in disappointment.
Ms. Anon, it's not whether you can do better or not. It is whether you are willing to strive to be better or not.
#1: Always think about your children.
#2: Everything else is trivial.
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