A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I'm in bed today feeling pretty down. I'm in my 20's, engaged and feeling very stressed right now. I'm a medical professional, just decided to change employers from a stable community hospital to a prestigious teaching institution.I moved across the planet to be with my fiance, everything was wonderful. I held to my end of the bargain, found a job and relocated to the state his family lives in. He relocated shortly after - however since March, 2010 he has not been able to find a job (despite having gone to an ivy league school and graduate school). He's doing a class or two online right now for a certificate program and will be looking for employment again next week (after a 4 month break because of these two classes).I'm at the point where I'm just feeling paralyzed with fear. All my life decisions are being made based on what we can afford and not. I'm tired of him being unemployed, I'm tired of some of the excuses and I'm tired of feeling guilty if I ask him to pay for things. I've bought him clothes/shoes (without him asking), I pay the rent and the majority of the bills...I've paid for two of his trips with me.I'm just tired of supporting two people. Its so difficult. Now that I have to relocate to a more expensive area (where this prestigious hospital is) I'm freaking out about the prospect of having to pay $1600-$2000 for a decent apartment. That doesn't even include bills.I've mentioned to him that perhaps its better if we live apart for a while (he move in with his parents who are 3 hours away) and I find housemates to share an apartment ($800 per month). I'd feel so much happier if he just would agree to it, but he says living with his parents will depress him OR that he is willing to pay half for the next apartment (he has over $90,000 in his savings but has already spent so much money out of his savings in the last year). So I'm left feeling like the bad guy - don't want him unhappy at his parents far from me and don't want him spending his savings (which would potentially be ours once married).However, I'm doing all this at my own expense - I'm not saving money, I'm worrying and stressing (had a major panic attack a week ago where I couldn't breath) and I'm becoming desperately unhappy. I feel like I'm carrying a huge financial load. And, I'm getting mad and resentful - I can't believe that he won't sacrifice his comforts so that I can be less stressed. I just don't know what to do, I can't do anything right now as I'm focused on how hard I work, how all my money is being spent, how I don't have any savings and how much happier I would be not having him burden me like this...for so long. Its been over a year already and I'm emotionally fatigued!I've been good over the course of this year...but now its just all getting to me. I can't take more of this arrangement....
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2011): HE HAS NINETY GRAND and he's pleading poverty???
I don't know where to start with this guy. I hesitate to say 'dump him'. I would instantly say, don't let him screw another cent out of you, let the fridge go empty for a while, let the horrifying reality slowly sink in that he MIGHT once in a blue moon actually have to pay his own way (and he can certainly do so easily, with financial backup that most people on Planet Reality, or at least outside the sector of hugely wealthy Americans/Westerners whose riches are directly related to the rest of humanity's hardship, would see as beyond their wildest dreams - $90,000!!!!)
and, with luck, his behaviour might change. I don't think your relationship should boil down to pure financial considerations; I'm sure you have (or had) something really worthwhile going, although your statement
"I'm falling apart. Its been one year of hell - the pressure is just to much"
indicates that perhaps you're not exactly making one another happy, which I'd like to think is what a relationship should be about.
I don't mean to make him into the bad guy, either. I'm sure he has his good qualities, and he does sound a little depressive (which I wish him all the best with and means he needs extra love, support and understanding). And you say he's open about his finances with you, so there's no question of him 'ripping you off' as such. But - you have NO savings and he has NINETY GRAND?
Sorry, but there are few things in the world more sickening than the spectacle of rich people employing whatever mental gymnastics are required to convince themselves they're actually struggling financially. OK, I accept that one's background - especially if it's a little privileged - may have a huge impact on how people view the financial universe and what's acceptable for them vis-a-vis same. Perhaps he feels broke because, in comparison to his parents or peers or those people he's mingled with for most of his life, he isn't quite as well-provided as they are.
But - at some point, reality must intrude. 'I'm broke' = 'Actually my 90k isn't getting any bigger, I'm not making money this year, and if this keeps up at this rate, soon I'll only have 80k!!' (Panic stations. But it's still a lot better than 'I need $900 for this month's rent and I don't have it and don't know where I'm going to get it', a position many many people are in right now this minute, and let's not even start discussing the Third World.)
The equation should be: the more money people have, the less they need to worry about it. In practise, it's often: the more they have, the more they agonise over it and scrimp and look for short-cuts. This needs to stop somewhere. And you need to help him. Start by asking him to pay his way for one week, and see if he kicks up a fuss about it. If so, it doesn't seem a happy long-term prospectus for spending the rest of your life with him.
Right now, you're not happy living together. You sound at the point of emotional exhaustion, and if he's going for walks at 4am because he can't sleep for stress, he obviously isn't happy either. Bite the bullet: you need to NOT live together for a while in order to free both of you up to be happier, though he can't see it that way at the moment. You need to re-focus, and you should be able to discover ways of enjoying yourselves together that don't actually cost all that much. A walk in the park and a stroll at the seaside won't break the bank; in fact, it's free. And maybe you can find somewhere to live that you DON'T feel is unaffordable?
I hope it works out for both of you.
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (16 April 2011):
 What he's doing to help out (dinner, etc) is still not enough because he can afford to do more but chooses not to. that 500/mo should not be saved for the marriage, it should be used now to lighten your load. it seems obvious that you two need the money NOW, so why save it for later?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell,He has spent a great deal of his money in the last year on several things - $10,000 on an engagement ring (he surprised me with it), every month he adds $500 to a house he owns and is renting out in another city, since he is unemployed he pays $500 for health insurance, then little things - he'll pay for dinner here and there or buy groceries. He also has some student loan payments which are a couple hundred. So he is leaking about $2000 per month on all these things.He does study alot and he cooks for me almost daily. He cleans after himself. But as you can see, he spends a ton of his own money on basics (except the ring) which makes me feel guilty to charge him rent (especially since I make OK money...I'm just not able to save anything). And yes, he is very open with his finances with me so I have seen his account statements.Sigh - Last night I heard him leave the house at 4am for a walk. He can't sleep at night because of all the stress, so me asking him to start paying for rent will just make things so much worse. At the same time, I've had a panic attack and can't stop stressing either - he is so sensitive right now, its hard to talk to him about what is going on with me. But I'm falling apart. Its been one year of hell - the pressure is just to much. I feel bad no matter what I do - leave this alone or charge him rent.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): If he has spent a lot of his money in the last year but hes not supported himself, what has he spent the money on? You are being used by a slacker. As for spending the last 4 months unable to work because of online courses. Hmm. If he did well at his ivy league college ect, why do his job prospects hinge on a couple of online courses? Ive no doubt he is online a lot, but i suspect that has little to do with education. Hes making excuses and treading water because he doesnt want to work. Hes playing you and you should ask him to go live with his parents and mooch off them, while you house share near your new workplace. You dont need to struggle with a huge rent and bills, feed and put clothes on his back, while he bums around like an over grown child.
If he was going to share his savings with you, he would already be doing so by paying his own way in life and saving you a lot of worry. He seems to have issues, probably with depression. But i get the feeling he wont be half as depressed as his parents if he goes home again! They probably cant afford to keep him anymore than you can. Dont let him manipulate you into feeling bad and dont be scared of sending him home. Hes taking liberites and will continue to do so unless you make a stand.
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A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (15 April 2011):
 Are you 110% certain he has 90K in the bank that is his?
When he takes money out of his 90K do you see any of it.
Do you see the bank receipt?
I have to wonder about his behavior. Ivy league?
Have you seen the diploma?
If so and this man has money and you feel responsible for the two of you and you hate it. You should stop doing what you hate doing. Pay 1/2 the rent when the landlord comes looking let him talk to your fiance. Don't bring home grocery, eat out for a while, let the fridge go empty and cold, like his behavior has. It is in the action that you will get your truth. Watch his behavior and what he says when nothing is provided for him and be very aware that what he says will be most likely what he means. Men don't mince their truths when push comes to shove. Listen to what he says and believe it. As far as the 90K he is unwilling to share, you'll just have to accept that. If you think being selfish is not a trait you like, then you've got even more thinking to do.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (15 April 2011):
HOLD UP. He HAS the money, almost 6 figures, in his twenties. it's just that he's not spending it, pretending he's poor, making himself into a victim. It's UNFORTUNATE that he has to dip into his savings, but it's MORE unfortunate that he's making you do it instead!!! relationships are compromise, and how is it a compromise that you now are unable to have ANY savings, while he sits on his? I cannot believe that he's making, or expecting, you to make this rent just because you have a job. It also doesn't sound like he was applying for jobs in his field WHILE working towards this certificate..I mean, if I wanted to be an architect and needed a particular certificate, I'd still try to shadow one or intern for one, even if I haven't completed my qualifications (random hypothetical). Again, if this is a possibility, it shows a lack of effort and consideration of the impact this has on you financially, and then you as a couple!
I think it's very telling that you are not even sure at this point whether this nestegg he's creating as he sits on his butt is actually going to be geared towards the both of you or just him still. I don't really foresee it being for both of you. I mean, at least in my opinion, it seems like how you act before you get married is usually BETTER than when you get married, isn't that right to an extent? Although this might seem outdated, shouldn't he still be courting you to the point of showing, look I can and will provide for US?
First of all, cut him off from non-necessities. If he has terrible clothes, that's his own fault. Why are you taking vacations at all if you know his position is that he can't afford it. Cut those out too (although I think solo vacations are okay). Even if his classes were fulltime, he could probably figure out a part time position, but I'm wondering if he feels it's beneath him to work at a restaurant or something like that, like a waste of mind. I think the bottom line is that you need him to step up and contribute. You're not asking him to be The Breadwinner. You're not even asking that he get A breadwinner, but to get financially stable or shoulder the fiscal responsibilities you have been shouldering on your own. hopefully things will get better when this certificate program finishes (something you sound skeptical about, though).
I'm sorry if I've come across harshly, but that 90K/I can't afford it thing is too big of a contradiction to NOT be recognized as deeply flawed priorities.
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