A
female
age
51-59,
*hippy2
writes:Please Help! My BF of three years says he loves me but I think he loves the talents I have decorating and sex and such and he loves having me as a companion! He says he loves me but I just found out that he has been in touch with his ex-fiancee by text on the phone I am paying for! I counted 30 texts and 1 pix since January! I dont know that they have had phone calls because that can be done on multiple other numbers! What should I say to him? I am devastated! I have ask him before if he wanted to date others and he said no - I came across pics that he has kept of her while we were remodeling ( I do not live with him ) I have my own house. He knows I have seen the pics and still has them - nude ones too!He recently bought a ceiling fan just like the one he bought her for her house when they were engaged ( same style dif color) - He makes no excuse for letting everyone know this and says I am nuts to be offended by it. What should I do? How is best to handle it?My gut says ask him who the number belongs to then show him my list of dates of text messages. Ask him why he is now in contact with her - Advice PLEASE! Hurry gotta see him this morning and this is really eating at me!Thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): Okay, I have to say being angry over the similarities of a ceiling fan is a little odd, why does it matter. I think you should let that one go.
As for the calls, I would do what you said, highlight all the calls made to her and just ask whos the number is and why they are called so frequently (I would also want them paid for). Also, whether to worry about the messages would depend on their content. How recently were the nude pics sent? Put boundaries on that if nothing else.
I think the best way to a solution here would be to be honest, just come out with it....let us know how you get on, Im hoping that he has a very reasonable explanation but experience tells me he'll come out with a cracker. x
A
female
reader, Clarey  +, writes (25 April 2008):
 IT is a scary moment. What it means is it is time to lay down a boundary. You probably have more to say about what you will and won't accept but have not realised how important it is.
There are some issues that are contract breakers and you have to decide which they are for you. This is the list I wrote for myself which I showed my partner and I asked for one back from him.
What is betrayal to me:
People choosing to believe the worst in me
Anything someone did to hurt you
Things that would hurt wider family and friends
Feeling able to do things that you would not like your partner to do
Double standards
Avoiding saying or doing something difficult even though very important
Having an affair
Being unwilling to listen a point of view and unable to consider it
Being very sexist and seeing women as sex objects
Sharing personal emotional feelings with a female who is not family (except GP or counsellor)
Contacting ex girlfriends for no apparent reason, especially without saying so
Having female friendships that are not mutually accessible
Putting pornography ahead of a real shag with partner
Openly oggling women in a sexual way (as opposed to being politely subtle)
Using a separate bank account without saying so
Having email address/es with hidden password
Not doing something you say you will
Paying for any kind of sex, interacting in any way or even visiting places where prostitutes are (all are infidelity to me).
Going to Lapdancing clubs
Telling someone something very personal
Not keeping a secret
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (25 April 2008):
hi there,
I understand that you must feel worried, upset, jealous and even angry. I think it is VERY disrespectful that he keeps nude photos of her. I dont think you should accept that. Tell him that it upsets you and you think its disrespectful. Ask him WHY he has kept them. Hopefully he will get rid of them...if he doesnt I honestly think you would have to take another look at this relationship and ask if you want to be in one where you arent respected?
As for him contacting her, you need to talk about i too. Go with your gut, it is always right. I think you have a right to be upset. Tell him you have seen the text messages from her and so on...let him know all the evidence you found and then see how he justifies what he does. Explain that it makes you upset, but dont accuse him of cheating as this will jsut make him angry and you dont really know if he is or not.
Hopefully he will be able to understand how you feel and will be sensitive to your feelings and you two can solve this TOGETHER and find something that makes both of you happy.
Perhaps he will have to sarifice his friendship with his ex in order to save your relationship.
If he isnt willing to make any sacrifices then you really have to question what sort of partner he is.
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