A
female
age
41-50,
*tarlight7
writes:Hi everyone,I would really appreciate some constructive advice on my problem. I am a complete mess at the moment and I can't stop crying and worrying all the time.Background: I have been seeing my boyfriend on and off for 5 years. We dated for three years--I got fed up of him treating me badly (neglecting me, not inviting me out ever when he goes clubbing/drinking)so I dumped him. In the six months we weren't together I slept with another guy. We eventually got back together but I didn't tell him about this random guy. He eventually found out and we stopped dating again--He then found a new girlfriend and dated her for a year. However, we are back together now and I just don't trust him at all.He always lies about going with his friends (He tells me he is staying at home with his parents then switches his phone off all night or doesn't answer my calls), he lies to me about who he is seeing when he does go to clubs and he never asks me out with his friends (he says he prefers to spend quality time alone with me). He calls/texts other girls to join him and his friends to go to clubs/bars, where he spends ridiculous amounts of money buying drinks and doing cocaine til 7am with them. He says he lies about going out and who he sees because he knows that I get upset and he doesn't like it when I get angry with him/nag at him and call him 30 times in a night to find out where he is. Despite his 'playboy' behaviour I think I still love him--I enjoy spending time alone with him chilling out. But I cannot go on like this. I am losing sleep every night wondering who he is with and what lie he is going to tell me next. I cry every night he does this to me.I really want to confront him and gain back my respect--please help? I just don't know what to say/do anymore, and I just don't know what the right thing to do it.Please help,Starlight
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (25 April 2008):
 I think that if he says it isn't working out, and doesn't want any contact with you, then really you won't be able to salvage anything. Guys tend to make their decisions and then that's it, really. I know it would feel better if you were able to talk to him, though. Can't you text him and get him to meet up?
A
female
reader, starlight7 +, writes (25 April 2008):
starlight7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks very much for your helpful responses, I really appreciate this.
Since posting that message, he has sent me a short message simply saying that he doesn't "think this is working" and that I am starting to "annoy him very much" (he is refer to last night when I rang him non-stop because I knew he was lying to me about who he was seeing/where he was going).
I haven't replied to the message and I don't know what to say. I would like to sit down and talk through EVERYTHING to see if there is anything we can salvage, but he won't answer any of my calls and doesn't want to have any contact with me right now. I am so very frustrated.
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (25 April 2008):
 You don't trust him. He doesn't trust you. The relationship has broken up, then started again, then broken up, then re-started... You think he's lying. He doesn't seem to care what you think...
Look, seriously, if it is like you describe then it isn't going to work however hard you keep trying. It's not you; it's not altogether him, although from what you say he really isn't behaving towards you the way you deserve. Quite simply, the relationship isn't working, and assigning blame for it doesn't get either of you anywhere.
It is always worth the effort of sitting down together and going through everything that has happened and how you both feel - and at this stage I really do mean EVERYTHING, otherwise something will pop up later and you will be back to the start again. If you can have that conversation and move forward, then that would be wonderful. Otherwise, assuming you have told us all the relevant facts, I'm sorry to say that I think it's time you went your separate ways and found someone with whom you can have mutual trust, respect and love.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Clarey +, writes (25 April 2008):
 He is no good for you. These years are very important, if you waste your time on him you may not get the family and settled life that you want. The more he damages you the less you will be able to trust men and the harder it will be to settle down. He is hiding things and betraying you. You can't make your own self esteem all about changing him and making him see the light. He keeps you away from his friends in case one of them seees how great you are and tells you some of what he has been up to. Be brave and get out, love yourself.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (25 April 2008):
Starlight, I'm really sorry he's being like this ... it is really painful, and I totally understand, having been there myself. You want to keep him, but he is torturing you with what he does.
I'm afraid I don't think there's a really easy answer. Either you put up with it, or you leave him, because I suspect you aren't going to be able to stop him. It all depends how much he loves you, or, rather, how much he doesn't want to lose you. If you tell him he has to stop this or you'll leave him, what do you think he'll do? Maybe you should try that. And if he won't change, he can't make you happy.
You're right - it's a matter of respect. I imagine he thinks he is respecting you, because he's giving you the special treatment of being his girl and getting 'quality' time with him, but all this playboy stuff is total lack of respect, really. He sounds pretty bad news. You know what? There are a million sweet guys out there. I think you should try to break free of him, and find one of them : )
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