A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice on how to help my bf out. We've been seeing each other for quite some time and we've talked openly about him having depression. He's been to counseling and it's never been figured out. It's not like normal depression, he says he feels like he needs to cry, he gets a feeling behind his eyes, like pressure and he feels down. It makes it worse to bring it up and he gets defensive automatically when I ask him questions, then apologizes for being so edgy.So, it started when he was seeing his last gf, she controlled him a bunch and betrayed his true self to stay with her. She wanted him to stop talking to his first gf and he couldn't do it, so did so secretively. Now, he thinks it was mostly due to that situation and says it used to be a daily thing while with her, but now it's monthly. We've moved in together and he was great for a while, but now his job is getting stressful and I sometimes notice the symptoms of his depression. We've argued a bit about him talking to the first gf and even though she has mental problems and needs help, he tries to be kind to her and feels guilty when she's in a bad spot.They've stopped talking (or at least he tells me this) and this is what caused his depression before. I notice it once every couple of days and don't know what to do (we live together). His eyes get watery and he says nothing is the matter. I try not to ask, or give him his space or distract him, but nothing helps. I've asked him to just tell me when he's feeling down and what he needs and I'll do it, and he just becomes cold and distant, so I give him space and he comes to me and asks if I'm avoiding him, so I stay close and he seems quiet and in pain. I'm at a loss here: he doesn't even admit to me when he's feeling like this. He denies and his therapist agreed that it's not because of his ex, and it's not normal depression. But I'm beginning to wonder why he's depressed. There's been a few times in the past where he's denied feeling bad but then admitted he was but didn't want to tell me because he was thinking about his ex. He says he is so lucky to have me and wants to be with me and has been looking at wedding rings. I've been nothing but comforting, but I'm kind of worried that maybe I shouldn't listen to him, maybe he's lying, it just makes me suspicious. He had a great childhood and it only started a few years ago. Any suggestions? -- thanks!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): It sounds as if your boyfriend is the moth and his first ex is the candle.
In an ideal world, he should cease contacting/responding to her, feeling guilty about her, wanting to be kind to her and getting upset and depressed when he thinks about her. Basically he needs to find a way to stop loving her.
As he is unable to do any of that, even when a new relationship is under threat. It strongly suggests there is still love involved. I can't think of any other reason for him to want her in his life after however long they have been apart and despite protests from his following partners.
Even if his last partner was strong willed and manipulative, he is even more so! Because despite any misery it causes him. And worries his involvement with her causes other partners, he is still hanging on to her.
Unless you are sitting in on his sessions. You don't really know what his therapist thinks is the cause of his problems. But what you DO know is that he can lie and be sneaky. Because he behaved that way with his most recent ex when he agreed to stop contact with his first ex...and carried on with it anyway behind her back! So i would be slightly dubious about believing everything he tells you.
Has he been to his doctor for a proper diagnosis? Because i am wondering who has said he doesn't have 'normal' depression. That doesn't sound like any doctors diagnosis i have ever heard of before. So ask him to go to the doctor for a check up.
You might find you are enabling him slightly because it sounds as if you are over eager to help him and looking for signs all the time. When really you cant help him. He has to help himself and if he is not prepared to do that, then i am afraid he will never change and this woman will always be in his life and causing problems.
So i would suggest you encourage him to go to his doctor and even go along yourself if he will allow. If the doctor cant find much wrong with him. Then his mysterious emotional ailment is probably caused by keeping his ex in his life and not being able to move on properly.
I had similar problems with my partner. He had some dramas with his ex and got fed up sometimes but still kept up contact with her. A couple of years later he confessed that he was still been in love with her. Ouch! He said he hadn't wanted to tell me because he 'liked' me! Liked? He had said all along that he loved me and even wanted to get married. So be aware. Sometimes things are just said to 'secure' you.
A
male
reader, ironman777  +, writes (2 June 2011):
Hi - I didnt think I had depression but looking back now I definately was feeling not my normal self for ages. So I broke up with my partner of 14 years and I thought that would make me happy, but it didnt in fact it made the depression so much worse. I would start crying at the silliest things like sad movies on the tv, or a book I was reading or people telling a moving story. I was fully emotional and cried quite a few times in front of total strangers, my family even people at work. It was fully weird for me and I knew it was becuase of the huge pressure I was under after the split to sort things out. Finally someone said go to the doctor and I did and even though I was totally against taking anti depressants, they do work and I feel alot better now. So I'm planning to get myself into a normal routine and discover stuff that will make me happy as an individual and then come off them in spring. They do have side affects like taking longer to ejaculate whilst having sex and things but hey its better than the depression. Hope this helps. I personally dont think counselling helps that much - you may need to find a psycho therapist which does more intensive mind pattern breaking techniques.
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A
female
reader, sevrine  +, writes (2 June 2011):
he needs to see a doctor. asap. i dont know what you mean by normal depression? like "situational" depression?
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