A
female
age
26-29,
*ust that girl
writes:I've been in a relationship with the love of my life, but with every relationship there is a problem, he kept me a secret for 3 years and always had time for his ex he would never contact me when she was around and told me that she was just really close to his dad. I was young and had listened to his every bullshit excuse, "love googles" He then got her pregnant, he told me it was through IVF because his dad was dying, it was so hard to handle because on the side I was still a secret and had watched the whole pregnancy till she had the baby was one, it broke me. But I loved him so I would have done anything to be with him. People told me he was a liar and a cheat but I was to naive to believe it. Till one day after valentines day a friend of his ex asks what's going on between me and him and I of course say we are together and happy, with disbelief when I read what she had wrote "I knew you were getting fucked over" and she organised me to meet up with the ex. We talked about everything turned out he had been sleeping with her behind my back the whole time and she had conceived naturally. We went to his house together and confronted him, he just went mental and told us to get out. After everything a week later he came crying to me saying he didn't know how to get rid of her and that he loved me and it had taken me a month but I took him back, through all the heart breaks all the lies I had taken him back. He is now being everything I had every wanted, its just I can't stop picturing him with her, and having to deal with the fact he has a kid its kills me every day, but I support him through everything! I just need to know how I can move forward to make this work ??? Help please!
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (18 April 2013):
I don't think realistically that it can work. This whole relationship has been built upon one huge lie, and after what he's done to you, it's worrying that you would want to take him back, as it suggests that you don't have all that much confidence in yourself.
I also think that you're still in some shock from this. The idea that he has a child hasn't yet really dawned on you, to be honest. You realize that he will be paying for her, seeing her, bringing her to the house etc? There will be arguments, lies etc.
And, of course, you have to deal with the fact that this guy cheated with an ex girlfriend for years, and will probably do it again when he gets the chance - which he will, because he will be seeing the child.
I don't see how this can work. I also don's see why you should put up with it.
A
female
reader, professor squirrel  +, writes (18 April 2013):
You poor girl. I hate to read this, because this was me - many years ago - except the other girl didn't have his baby. I was about your age and had my own baby from a previous relationship, but my then current BF was, for all intents and purposes, his dad. Long story short, my BF cheated, the girl's [former]best friend came to me and told me everything, we confronted my BF, he cried and cried about how sorry he was and I forgave him...but never completely trusted him again. I ended up moving out 3 years later, we tried working it out a couple of times, and finally called it quits a year after that. His new GF gave him the ultimatum of choosing her or my son (then 4). He chose her, and that was that. I warn you, this is going to be a lengthy answer! I have trouble with being concise, especially when I don't know which part is going to get through and actually help.The first thing I want to say is not something you want to hear, but 16 years later, having been through it myself as well as seeing friends deal with various situations, I have come to a conclusion: If a couple breaks up once, it is almost certainly not going to work out a second time. Even if things seem fine for a while, it is inevitably going to fall apart someday. Some people might get on here and tell me what I'm saying is rubbish, that they've been happily married with someone they'd split up with at some point 10 years ago...but I'd say to them, just wait. Sure, there's a 1% chance or so, but even then, there's a rift there that never goes away.Now, the second thing: You will *never* be able to trust him completely again. Never. You are so young, and I know this is not what you want to hear. Your post title says "can't get over it," and you won't..not as long as you stay where you are. I probably would have ignored this kind of advice when I was in your shoes because I so desperately wanted to be with this person that I thought I loved so much at the time and so desperately wanted him to love me back. But I have been there and implore you to rethink your situation. Your question is "how can I make this work?" - and while I assume you mean it= the relationship, I want to go in the direction of it= your life. Please, PLEASE, don't waste it! This guy, no matter how much you love him or how much he cries and tells you he's sorry, sounds truly pathetic, and quite frankly, rather weird. WTF is the deal with his ex and his father? That's some weird shit, if you ask me, no matter how they're connected. And the IVF story is outrageous. I'll at least give the guy credit for creativity. "But he cried and said he's sorry and wants to get rid of the other girl..." yeah, that's your typical cheater. Some facts:-People who cheat are needy. They *need* to have a homebase, a place where they feel safe knowing that it will always be there for them. It freaks them out when that safety net starts to unravel. (That 'place' would be you.) They also *need* certain things to fulfill their desires (that 'thing' would be the other girl), which leads us to...-People who cheat are selfish. They want what they don't have and try to keep what they already have at the same time. So they go out and take what they want so they can fill that empty spot and satisfy themselves, regardless of who gets hurt in the process. It thrills them. But remember the safety net? If it's not there, they'll say whatever they need to say to get it back where they need it - which is underneath the thrill ride, just in case they fall."...It kills me every day, but I support him through everything!"Stop. Think for a minute. It "*kills*" you every day. You're right, it really does. It kills your self-esteem, your self-worth, your pride, your sense of security. Tell me, do you get that terrible sensation like your head is trying to resist those thoughts but they get in anyway and your brain sends a kind of electric shock through your body that makes your heart beat faster for a second and you suddenly feel sick to your stomach? That's not going to stop. It's not just emotional pain you're feeling, it's your body trying to tell you that it can't take it, even physically. In short, as long as you stay with him, you are wasting your life away. You are so young and have so much potential. You have so much to offer someone else who is worthy of your loyalty and won't hurt you like this. He's not ever going to be "everything you had ever wanted," not after what he did. HE is causing the emotional and physical pain. He can say what he wants, and I'm pretty sure he's convinced that he's got you wrapped around his finger and won't leave him even when he fucks up again. And how do you know he isn't fucking up already? That's the thing - unless he is in your sight 24/7, you will never know and will always wonder if he's being faithful. It's a nervous breakdown just waiting to happen. (Believe me, I know!)So my advice is simple and a lot easier said than done: LEAVE HIM. You're infinitely better than him in every way. Yes, it's going to be extremely difficult and it's a huge jump, but I think you know in your heart that it's the right thing to do. If you have friends or family you can move in with, do it. It's important that you have moral support when you make such a difficult decision and surround yourself with people who truly love and care about you and your well-being. Yes, you will cry a lot and miss him and wish it had worked out. I hate being alone, I really do..and you probably do too. I know you probably don't believe me, but I promise with all my heart that, in time (sooner than you think), you'll (for lack of a better phrase) 'get over it' and realize how much of your life was wasted because of this. You'll have renewed pride and confidence in yourself. And when the time comes that you're ready for a new relationship, consider this:After I went through so much and ended up at the bottom of the well (please don't let yourself end up there..it's awful), I came out on the other side with a new lease on life. I resolved to not pursue any kind of relationship for the time being and focus on myself as.. well, myself. But guess what -- something fell into my lap when I least expected it. It was everything I'd ever wanted and more. I was hesitant at first, but it ended up being perfect. (And it still is, 13 years later.)Please keep us updated on your situation. Remember, there are a lot of people out here ready to listen and help. :)
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (18 April 2013):
 Why on earth would you take him back. You were for three years the other woman/mistress. He went as far as even had a child with her and continued o disregard your pain for the three years.I get it you love him and it hurts like hell, but can you honestly trust him with your heart. I dont think so, he was so cold and ruteless in respect of how he treated you! So did he come back because his baby's mum kicked him sorry a$$ out for being unfaithful and u are the fall back plan.Sorry i sound harsh but its true, I dont think you could ever trust someone that betrayed you for three years.
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