A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, my boyfriend (34) and I (32) have been seeing each other for 4 months, but we are finding it really hard to communicate with each other. We love each other dearly but find we are already losing our way and don't know what to do to stop it. He is very much the strong silent male and I am very quiet anyway, although I do make an effort. I am finding it very difficult to get to know him as a consequence. I think I am fearful of making myself vulnerable to getting hurt again - my ex, who I had been good friends with for a long time prior to getting together, basically held out to have sex with me and then was very cruel to me afterwards. I was so hurt by the things my ex said I contemplated suicide and after 6 months I felt ready to date again which is when I met my current partner. My current partner knows little of what I have been through. He also had a bad relationship in which the girl basically humiliated him, lied to him and took some of his stuff. My partner seems totally lacking in enthusiasm for anything. I wonder if he is depressed. He has only paid me a compliment once and I so wish he would say a heart-felt compliment to me more often because I try so hard for him. I wonder if his background has anything to do with it. His mum is very domineering and his brother always teases him; between they never have anything nice to say about him, only negative things, so I wonder if my boyfriend even knows what a compliment is!!! So, how do I get him to open up more?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): Just like my ex. His mother the domineering type and the rest of his family humilliating him always. Hence I ended up having an emotionally unavailable man. Right now I'm trying to read on the subject and trying to order some books about the topic on amazon.com because I cannot commit the same mistake again. Unavailable people attract each other and I think you are one of those too. And it seems you have some kind of radar to find them and get into relationships with him. I read this website a month ago and turns out I'm also unavailable emotionally:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/does-emotionally-unavailable-equal-hes-just-not-that-into-you
Maybe you don't have much of these problems with him just yet, but they likely to develop with time. You'll try to change him and end up frustrated.
The only way I understand this could be changed for the both of you is trying to work out your emotional baggage separately. This could be done in therapy (chances are he'll be reluctant to do this) or on your own reading a lot about the subject and becoming aware of what's normal behavior within a relationship and what's not.
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (27 October 2007):
 "Lets sit down and talk" that's a good way to start.
Here is what I want BOTH of you to do. I want you to write down the hurt and pain others have caused you. List each word you "still" feel hurt by. You have some issues left to be resolved as well. When your done writing them down, I then want you to write down a couple of sentences regarding each item. How did it make you feel, and (THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT) How the statement or action is not truthful. Such as:
Cheating: This made me feel bad because _____, This action lowered my self esteem, it also made me fearful of others treating me the same way. I have to understand that cheating is an action, not intending to hurt me but was done by another wanting to fulfill their selfish needs. I'm not a bad person, and I realize this action, all though it hurt, I will not allow it to affect who I am now or my new relationships.
That's just an example. You can set it up the way you want, but I think as you both come to terms with the past, the communication will begin. Yes I think he may be suffering from depression.
I wish you both the best.
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