A
female
age
41-50,
*rrow
writes:Betrayed hurt confused and angry was my last question. It's been a couple of months since I asked that question. And I'm realising that as much as I want to forgive I'm still at stage 2 anger! And she's taking control!It's killing our relationship. He is hurting, he begs for forgiveness, it's drowning him. I take a lot of the anger out on him. I guess that's because I'm angry at him and have trouble accepting what he did. But I want us so much to be like what it was without this betrayal and I know I can't have that. I don't understand why if he found something so beautiful he ruined it for a gross F*ck with someone he didn't even like. And what hurts in a way was that she didn't even care about him as a friend. That here was this guy saying how much he was in love and how he was going to marry me and she didn't go "hey your drunk, you need to think about what your doing" Then when she contacted me she tried to defend herself and made sure to mention that it was him not just her. That she was "sorry", but really only because he told me because she was quite happy to say "it never happened" and he said "no I have to tell her, i cant lie to her". She didn't care about what he would be facing with his terrible action. It was like she wanted me to pity her because she was vulnerable???? Yet in her voice messages there was no remorse in her half hearted apologies and why when told by him to have no contact she tried calling, even when she knew I was there, pretty gutsy. She said if he hadn't of told me she would have, but she doesn't even know me. She wouldn't know how to contact me. She's only saying these things because I know. What I hate is I believe she did this just to see if she still had some sort of power over him. Because she wanted him as a boyfriend and he never gave her what he was giving me. Women can be spiteful, jealous cows. She also said "with them it was never love" Am I meant to feel sorry for her? She wasn't drunk. I play the night through my head, he answers the questions I ask, he doesn't lie but he can't handle it. I see huge remorse in him, I know he is sorry yet I can't give him empathy and support him, I'm switched off. He needs my support but I'm stuck in my hurt and anger so much that I wont give it to him. I want a life and future with him. He wants me to be happy. How do you find that again? How do you forgive? People tell me what to do but they don't tell me how.
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female
reader, Arrow +, writes (28 October 2008):
Arrow is verified as being by the original poster of the question People in general only feel remorseful for a limited period of time and then they start feeling angry about being questioned and having to justify themselves and will turn it in their own mind into finding reasons as to why they did it.
He does sometimes say things now that relate to exactly that. At other times like a few days ago he begged me for forgiveness and said it kills him and all this anger and unhappiness in me and our relationship suffering is all because of him, it's his fault and that hurts him deeply. He is very strong in looking at the future instead of living in the past and expects that from me. I find that unfair. He uses the usual line that it didn't matter and it didn't mean anything. It was just a physical thing (I do believe that from his point but to me it was a big betrayel of his promises and he said he knew what it was like and that he would never do that, It disrespected me and our relationship, In that moment I didn't matter and that hurts) He says we're stronger then this. Im not very strong at the moment. If I don't choose to get past this then it will be me that drives him away. We are planning on going away soon. He tries very hard and does the right thing for our future. He's trying and I'm not. But I lived my life with certain morals and one was that I would never stay with a cheater. I'm also fighting that. I believed in him so much.
A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (28 October 2008):
 Dear Arrow,
There is no easy fix for this because anger is such an intense emotion. My husband had an affair and we got divorced and even two years on I still feel such intense anger, not all the time but at times. The only thing that helps at all is the passing of time because it makes the emotion weaker. You and your partner are talking which is the main thing and he is at least answering all your questions and going over the entire night for you which may help eventually. Ask every little thing that you want to know going over each bit time and time again so you are truly satisfied then when you have exhausted all your questions stop asking. People in general only feel remorseful for a limited period of time and then they start feeling angry about being questioned and having to justify themselves and will turn it in their own mind into finding reasons as to why they did it. I do understand how angry you feel but clinging onto this is not healthy for you as a person. I promise you being consumed with bitterness and anger is not nice and is incredibly self destructive. This woman obviously wanted him and made a play for him and then didn't care about being brazen and hurting you. She was obviously jealous of the relationship you have and wanted to spoil it. Your boyfriend is sorry, he is still with you and he made a mistake. If you want him and love him and want your future to be together you are going to have to put this behind you. This will also prove you have won over this other woman. I suggest if you have the time and money go on a holiday together. Sometimes being in a different place can make you feel differently about things and make you feel stronger when you return. Also going out together showing everyone you are a couple and that you have got through it can help as it makes you feel more powerful, confident and secure in your relationship. Be calm and dignified through this and you will be fine. Good Luck!
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