A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been together 10 years and have 3 kids. I want to leave him but I can't bring myself to do it. We constantly fight, he curses me and even calls our kids names, I hate him for how he acts. I've asked him to go to counseling about our problems but he says the only problem he has is me, I just can't live like this, I want to leave but can't seem to do it. I think about all the years I've spent on us and it just doesn't seen right with him not there we're a family. I look at my kids and think how much happier they would be and me but I don't no how to leave, I'm so scared of being alone. We met when we were 18 so it seems like he's always been there, I know things are never going to change unless I take that final step and leave, the problem is doing it but how? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (28 October 2008):
 When you got married you had planned on it being forever. One big reason you are having trouble leaving is because it is so hard to give up that dream, to admit that the marriage failed which also implies that you failed. There is a grief process with this just like with the death of a loved one. Right now the marriage is on life support, but it is really braindead and it is a matter of time. Use this time to get your life in order and prepare for the upcoming divorce/death of the marriage. If you dont already have your own finances set up, do so now, just as the other posters have suggested. If you have a trusted family member or friend that you can confide in that will support you so much the better. Start researching attorneys and pick one out. Go to the attorney to speak about what is going on and to get the ball rolling. If you can get a professional councelor involved it may help you to get through this better and I would certainly recommmed it for the kids. My kids came through an extremely bitter, tumultuous divorce with flying colors in a big part because I set them up with counceling right off the bat~ against the will of my ex. I do not suggest that you move out of your home as Emilyanswers suggests unless you do not want to go back to it. The chances are very high that once you leave you will never get back in and he will get the home in the divorce settlement. He will more likely refuse to leave.
Once you file for divorce be prepared for days when you will question if you are doing the right thing. You will suffer a lot of self doubt and fear. Be prepared to shed a lot of tears. You will need to mourn the death of the marriage. I cried a river of tears even though I was the one that initiated it, I no longer loved him and he had been abusive and mentally ill. It was the dream of what should have been that I had to mourn. With each step I took to break free, with each step in the process of divorce I cried a river. But it got easier and easier as time went on. Especially because in my situation he behaved VERY badly during the divorce process and it continues today. While I suffered doubts on and off and fears of being alone during the months leading up to filing and the first couple months after filing, I have never once regretted my decision to leave my husband. I could not be happier now that I am finally free of him. I only wish I had been strong enough to do it years earlier.
A
male
reader, Kawika +, writes (28 October 2008):
 I felt the same way about my ex-wife...and there isn't a day that goes by where I have regretted leaving her. It is like a great weight has been lifted off my soul...and I believe you will feel the same. However, you need to make a plan as Emilyanswers had indicated. Once that is in place... Just do it...and never look back. He may use suave words to try and get you back...but, reality is HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. A Real Man would never place you in that situation in the first place. A Real Man honors his wife...plain and simple. As for your loneliness...I would rather be alone in a desert than with a nagging wife. Besides, its your time to do what YOU want to do, not what HE thinks you should be doing. This may be your crossing road to a better life...a quality life. I am hoping that you will find that courage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): Best advice is to start putting things in place behind the scenes so that you can have more confidence to leave - with a 'leaving plan' arranged you are then more mentally ready to make that step. At the moment the step is too big. Get the practical things ready and the emotional side will become clearer. Yes - definitely a bank account try electronic banking so you can get statements sent to your email rather than postal address. Get a credit card in your name. Have a financial sum as your 'escape' fund. Keep a diary of your feelings to bolster your intent. Talk to a friend and tell her what you are considering. You may evenin consider hiring a storage facility to keep things in until you are ready.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (28 October 2008):
Go into town and open a bank account in your name.
Find somewhere to stay for a few weeks like a friend or family member's house.
Pack bags, tell the kids, pack their bags.
Go!
Then once you are out you can arrange for him to either get a place of his own so you can move back home, or you get a job and rent a place.
Good Luck!! xx
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